New Year, New Thread, NEW ME!

[mza8]

CityGirl, very strange indeed. I know it must still hurt but you are strong. Don't let him bring you down.

It doesn't appear that he wants anything specific...or at least he hasn't mentioned anything yet. I said it before and I'll say it again, perhaps he is finding out the grass is not greener now that they moved into together. Is it possible that he might finally start to feel regret and realize his mistake? Perhpas it's his way or seeing if you might still be there and be interested. Him texting you is one thing but using your codeword, "something", might be his way of trying to reach out, maybe? Testing the waters so to speak? I don't know?

This is the second time within a week he has tried to contact you. Hmmm... Maybe just lay low and see what he does next before you send him that text about NC, unless of course you truly don't want it. Just curious CG, what would you do if one day he decides to drop OW, realizes his mistake and wants you back?

[james217]

I could use a little advice.

As I mentioned my H contacted me out of the blue last week asking if he could come over for dinner. Odd. Very odd.

This weekend I received my spousal maintenance check and must admit I got the "gut punch feeling" when I looked at the return address and it was his home address (for 2 yrs he has been using a PO Box) and it was the address he shares with OW. Fine.

I also noticed the postmark was from out of town and it came from the town that he and OW used to sneak off to the first summer of their affair. I am not sure how tacky one person can be to mail his W her spousal maintenance check while on vacation with your mistress in from the town you got caught in having an affair but whatever.

Tonight my H started texting me. He is someplace (at an event) that he thought I would probably be at. I didn't end up going. I am sure the reason he thought I was there was it was something he and I did every year for a decade.

The first text said the word "something". That is the word he and I used to use for "I love you" when he was at work and couldn't say it. At least 10 texts followed this, all chatting like we were best buds (note, he and I have virtually NO CONTACT). I ignored it for a few hours then finally texted him back and told him I was not there and stop texting me. I find it odd he is there with his live in mistress/GF and is texting me all this BS. After I told him to stop he texted me a few more times (by now the event was over) and I timed it out in my head and about the time him and GF would be going home is when he finally stopped.

99.9% of the time I ignore him. I just can't deal with him. I don't trust him farther than I could throw him and every few months he does this to see if "I am still mad and are we buddies yet". It makes me sick.

I am thinking of putting together a short e-mail to him (not now but soon) and letting him no in no uncertain terms his random invites and texts are not appreciated and I would like them to stop. He chose and while I accept that, there is no more "me" available to him.

What do you all think?

I admit I did cry because it does still hurt. I am pretty detached and I know I won't understand why he does this but it's just not good for me.

im sorry this happened C.G. it does seem like H is playing a game but he could be having regrets too. Who knows.

Don't let it get to you. (i know i'm one to talk huh?)

how are you feeling? Has the lung infection gone away?

[CityGirl]

You know, I don't know what I would do. Both my friend and attny asked me that last week and I don't know. My attny was helping me with a business contract and he said to me a while back he bets H and I don't get divorced. Seeing how he handled my separation I think he must have been drunk to say such a thing as he knows the facts.

It won't ever happen so I don't put much thought into it. It's just now who my H is. Once he decides something it is how it is no matter what. He has told so many lies to so many people and he works with OW. It just won't happen.

I know my H lives with guilt and I often wonder if this is his way of telling himself "well, I am trying to be nice and look how mean she is".

I don't think my H stays up at night thinking of ways to hurt me but he is so insensitive with his comments and actions. I think he is just *that* dumb.

What would be our 11yr anniversary is in a few weeks. I am sure H was just feeling nostalgic tonight but too bad. I think it stinks he only contacts me when he can sneak at work or when his GF is not looking. And to mail me spousal maint. check from their "secret affair" destination. So rude.

I shouldn't be but I am very annoyed.

[CityGirl]

Hi James,

I am feeling okay, thanks for asking. My infection is gone but I am still using this horrible inhaler. I don't know what it is but it makes me so nauseous!

Anyhow, I am still standing, lol!

[mza8]

I hear you CG. Interesting that your attny said that. I wonder why he feels that way?

You know I've read so many stories here, read so many R books, talked to so many friends who have gone through the same thing and one thing I have learned is that you never say never. Friends of mine have told me their stories, some of which were pretty bad. It amazed me to hear how things changed for them and how some of them got back together. You just never know I guess.

Maybe it's just me but I'm not so sure that your H is just trying to be nice here. Maybe it's something more? Emotions are powerful, wow have I learned this. For you it's keeping your H from hurting you again. For him it might be him missing you.

Do you think he will try to do anything in recognition of your anniversary? Yes, he has done his share of dumb things lately, no doubt. Would there be any harm to just lay low for now and see what he does next?

You're a good person CG. You do so much for people here. You helped me get through a few tough days this past weekend. You deserve to be happy and it is for you to decide what will make you happy in life. Could you be happy if your H was back in your life again one day? If your answer is yes then what would you be willing to do? I understand not wanting to wait and continue living the hurt. It's not easy but then what is easy in life?

[CityGirl]

(pardon me if I sound nuts, I am hopped up on coffee way too late!)

ALL and I do mean ALL my H ever had to do was look me in the eye and say I am sorry.

Not "I am sorry BUT..... not "I am sorry <insert cliech, BS or crazy justification here>

Just one plain old "I'm sorry".

That doesn't mean we would be friends or anything else but for ME it would really go a long way.

I could almost get over the affair. What I am not sure I could ever get over was how he treated me when I got sick. I didn't expect him to come running back or take care of me but to take all the money and the car is still unthinkable to me.

My H has never shown me an ounce of remorse. He has allowed me for almost three years to go through the debilitating pain of putting all the pieces together on my own. He still very much behaves like a "new WAS" telling me we can't be married (um, yeah, I gathered that) and all the usual BS you hear from a spouse when they first walk away.

I won't say he has done zero work on himself but I will say I don't see it if he has. Honestly, to see him makes me feel ill when I think of what has gone down. It's not hate or sadness really, just disgust.

The past two anniversaries (while he was with OW no less) he has contacted me to say *something* and how this day will always mean everything to him and he never thought things would turn out this way. Pure crap!

Ugh, I need this day to be over.

[mza8]

LOL, no you don't sound nuts CG.

Can I ask you a question? Did you ever tell your H that all you ever wanted was a sincere apology from him? Does he know that's what it would have taken for you to begin to forgive him?

I completely understand what you're saying about your H doing such unimaginable things. The WAS does seem to have a mind of their own don't they? You know my sitch. My W has done several things that make me think she is on another planet sometimes. It's hurtful to have the one you love do these things to you.

Has your H ever been the kind of person to say he was sorry for anything? Maybe he has trouble expressing himself? You mentioned your H causing you pain for three years. Yes, I can relate. Unfortunately I didn't realize the pain I caused my W for two years until the day she walked out the door. The hardest part is not knowing what to do to make it right. How does the one who caused so much pain try to reestablish contact without pushing them away again? I guess that's the answer so many of us are looking for here. Maybe your H is trying to find a way to get to you?

The support and advice we all get from this board is great but in the end we all need to make decisions and do what is best for us. I've observed so much in my sitch and from others as well. It seems like such a game that couples play with each other. I believe they play these games as a way to deflect the hurt they feel. Seems like such a waste to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you still have feelings for your H then maybe give yourself more time and see what happens. If he continues to try to contact you ask him why he's doing it? You said you think it was because he wants something. Maybe use the direct approach and simply ask him. I think I'm going to start a similar process with my W. Just be honest and direct with her, no more games. If she's at a place that she can be honest and communicate with me then great but if not then I'll need to decide whether or not to give more time to the sitch or move on.

I've read a lot on here lately about forgiveness. One thing that stuck with me is that forgiveness is not just about forgiving some things. True forgiveness is about forgiving all things.

I hope you do what makes you happy CG.

Now, no more coffee and get some sleep.

[LSG]

CG,

Tell us how you really feel .

I am so sorry that you are having such a bad day. I feel for you so much. It is just awful that he will not give you so much as a sorry that you deserve. I guess WAS just do not see the hurt and pain that they cause. I hate the justification for their poor decisions.

The things that your H did to you are just plain wrong. You are such a great person the way you are with me and everyone else here. He will be losing you for someone that seems to care more about herself than anyone.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope it is much better for you. You certainly deserve so much happiness.

[mindfull]

CG -

Hiya, Girlfriend!

This is going to initially sound... Coarse, but not meant to be. Stick w/me...

Do you think the reason you haven't heard an apology might be because he's just plain, not sorry!? I ask this because you mention him still hurling comments typical of new WAS's. He's just not sorry, yet.

So... You need to continue on your path, without detour, based on anyone else's input or affect. And, it appears you do that magnificently!

I just plain, don't think, he is sorry.

Isn't that gross?

Love ya!

[james217]

(pardon me if I sound nuts, I am hopped up on coffee way too late!)

ALL and I do mean ALL my H ever had to do was look me in the eye and say I am sorry.

Not "I am sorry BUT..... not "I am sorry <insert cliech, BS or crazy justification here>

Just one plain old "I'm sorry".

That doesn't mean we would be friends or anything else but for ME it would really go a long way.

I could almost get over the affair. What I am not sure I could ever get over was how he treated me when I got sick. I didn't expect him to come running back or take care of me but to take all the money and the car is still unthinkable to me.

My H has never shown me an ounce of remorse. He has allowed me for almost three years to go through the debilitating pain of putting all the pieces together on my own. He still very much behaves like a "new WAS" telling me we can't be married (um, yeah, I gathered that) and all the usual BS you hear from a spouse when they first walk away.

I won't say he has done zero work on himself but I will say I don't see it if he has. Honestly, to see him makes me feel ill when I think of what has gone down. It's not hate or sadness really, just disgust.

The past two anniversaries (while he was with OW no less) he has contacted me to say *something* and how this day will always mean everything to him and he never thought things would turn out this way. Pure crap!

Ugh, I need this day to be over.

Yea C.G. I can definitely understand this entire post right here.

I guess that's what hurts the most with me. When I get really sick you just walk out and leave me.

You needed my help and then totally stop speaking to me.

I'm really really sorry you're going through this. You have helped me and countless others with our sitches and I just want you to be happy.