MLC - standing by my man

[SecondChance]

Mila,

Your H is acting a lot like my H has been over the past 6 months. Our sitchs run similar timelines, even though the specifics differ slightly.

For most of the last year, I didn't want to loose my WH so I puzzled, questioned, let him come, reset barriers, went dark, dim, talked, and so on. Nothing changed overall, when I did this.

In THEIR mind, they are already gone.

That's not to say that when the affair ends, or whatever it is that is driving the crisis, that they won't consider coming back. Which is why if you're standing you may not want to change the whole landscape (house, business, etc). But right now, HE thinks of himself as gone.

Can you remember back to when you were dating, or even people that may have crushed on you over the years, that you were NOT interested in? Do you remember how much thought YOU gave them? That's where WH's are at.

He wants to come by to keep an eye on things. When he pushes buttons it makes you behave in an undesirable way versus OW who is currently only desirable (uncomplicated). Which drives him.

I am slowly learning what they say on these boards, which is that you have to detach, you have to drop the rope. It is the only way. The only way you can keep your sanity, the only way you can stop him and OW from hurting you, the only way to re-establish equilibrium in your life, the only way to figure out what to do next. Keep him out of your life, don't let him know what is going on, don't let him see you react, try to get back to being a happy, healthy, cheery Mila. I know how hard it is.

He will only come back, if it happens, when this phase is over. You have to somehow end this phase!!

OK, going bike riding, read my thread later, K?

((hugs))

- SCh

[Mila]

CW, Ilike - thanks for your opinions. About H trying to relieve his guilt by offering garden work. I emailed him that we have plans on Saturday, which we do and he emailed back saying "You really don’t want my help?" so I replied that it's easier for me if I don't see him but if he wants to come and work outside on Sunday, he can, I will be busy inside....

SCH - thank you so much...our sitches are similar, It's good to compare notes as to their behavior and also to our own progress. What you say is very insightful and I know that you are right that I need to detach more.

I still have a long way to go. My stumbling blocks along the way have been the frequent flip-flopping on H's part that's been pretty much happening every few months. It always puts be back to square one. Another difficulty is the continues interaction we have to maintain to run our business.

I was so upset yesterday with the bills that forced me to "re-live" his weekend with OW, that I was ready to confront him. Today I'm thinking who cares...let it ride.....

I'm very inconsistent with my detachment, he still gets to me. I do see slow progress...but it's painfully slow.

[seeking answers]

Mila, I think detachment is a process that takes time, at least for most of us. It's a hard thing to do when you've been M as long as we have and cruisin down the highway of life and then all the sudden have to spike the brakes and do a 180. It's no wonder we hit a brick wall sometimes.

There are times my H still gets to me although it is less frequent now and I seem to move past it a little faster than I did before.

It really is no wonder that piecing would be the hardest thing to do in this whole ordeal. After so long trying to block those feelings it would be very hard to get the walls down that have been built up to protect us.

Have a great weekend and good luck with whatever you decide about the yard work.

(((Hugs)))

[AJM]

Yep piecing is incredibly difficult for those reasons. That and the WAS is not "suddenly" done. It's a relearning and rebuilding process. They are not the same. They are in pain. They are more mature (with any luck?). You want it to be over. They want it to be over, but they have the addiction still. Still learning. But it can be done
Mila, can you post some of those websites? That fascinates me and I'd like to read more.

Can I make a suggestion? Stop letting him know about your pain. You tell him it is easier for you if you don't see him. While that is true, perhaps it would be more mysterious if you just let him know no thank you and let him worry about the reasons? My thinking is that as long as you tell him you are still in pain, that keeps him away and feeling like he is in control. Why? Because who wants to come back to pain? Guilt? etc. Not that he doesn't deserve those things, but he isn't likely to face them for a long time. Next time he asks, just let him know, no thanks, got it. Don't let him know it hurts right now. Let him wonder. Let him see the happy Mila, and when you aren't, don't let him know that. He will have to work to guess at your feelings. He will treat you differently and eventually it won't be so hurtful and you will be able to deal much better.

Smile till it hurts Mila. For you. Focus on you. For you. Do the work.

AJ

[DiamondGirl]

((((Mila))))

You are doing a wonderful job! It takes time when you've been married for as long as many of us have to stop relating to our WAS the way we always have. In the back of my mind I hear the loving voice of H and get shocked each time I hear him now.

You have demonstrated nothing but dignity and grace through all of this.

Hang in there... We'll make it through together.

[Dudess]

Now opinions please - H emailed me again to do some garden work this weekend...should I let him come and work and ignore him and be "unavailable". I'm kind of thinking, free labor...and I hate cutting grass.

If he can use joint funds to travel to see OW and dine on king crab and French wine, certainly you can use joint funds to hire a strong, handsome man to mow your lawn, - with his shirt off of course.

[courageous wife]

LOL!!!

[DiamondGirl]

LOVE THIS!

Hunting for my phone book to find grass cutting service providers... Hehehe

[seeking answers]

Sounds like a winner to me!!! lol

[Mila]

In this post I just need to unload, I will respond to your posts later.

This stupid garden work...H actually replied that he will come and that he can spend couple of hours to tell him what I want him to do. I said fine, come and do whatever you think needs it the most.

When he came he pressed me again to tell him what I would prefer he does....I just repeated do what needs it the most.

I didn't pay any attention to him, he went out and in 5 minutes he was back in going into D's room and talking with her for about 20 min. Then he did some work outside and then back into D's room again. Anyway I stayed out of his way and at the end he asked if he can talk to me.

I said OK and he said I think that I understand why you don't want to see me. From now on I can come and do yard work when you are not here, so you don't have to see me, just leave the gate open, I won't come into the house, I just want to help.

I said that (I know stupid) you don't have to come and do yard work to relieve your guilt, I can find someone to do it...and how can I trust that you won't come into my house when I'm not here. He said "Because I'm telling you that I wouldn't and I'm not doing yard work because of guilt, you don't know everything. I said what don't I know? He just walked away and went to D's room.

I lost it and tears were going down my face, so I went to hide in the living room. He found me there. I said "You see this is why I don't want you around, because I don't want to cry anymore". He said "Do you want to talk?" I said no, there is no point. He said "I asked you to go to counseling with me, so we can communicate better" I said "I replied to that request, but I don't see the point, you are still sleeping with another woman". To that he said "I'm not sleeping with anyone"(ugh????)I said "what do you mean that you don't, you are having an affair", he replied "I'm not having an affair, we are separated" (Ugh???)I said "we are married" and he said "we have to go through the process"...whatever that means

Then I told him that a conversation like this is exactly the reason why I don't want to see him. I get emotional, but I'm working on it and one day I'll catch up with him and just won't care" He replied "Do I look like I don't care?" I didn't say anything and he just left.....


Bad, bad, bad....conversation...got sucked in again

I'm doing pretty good when I don't see him, I'm stronger and ready to go on without him but every time there is a face to face interaction I have a hard time staying detached. Why can't I just stop caring, why do I react to him?

Today he actually looked sure of himself, like a man decided and happy with his decision...maybe that's what got me rattled