Mila your h is not going to put the thought into if I give Mila these reciepts with these purchases how is she going to be affected. He is NOT thinking like that nor does he care what your reaction is.
He is living his life doing what HE wants. Plain and simple. In his mind business is business.
Jack I clicked on a t-shirt ad that popped up on a website and it had all these phrases for t-shirts you could order. Some crude, some hilarious and I just couldn't resist.
I could see a couple having a heated argument and then one of them saying that to the other when emotions run high.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
do you really think that he is that devious? I'm more inclined to believe that it just "doesn't compute" and that he has no clue why I should be upset about it...
Do you know the person he is right now? I think even he does not. Don't kid yourself based on history; look at the current behavior. It is what it is, but you need to be honest with yourself. It's important that you be loving and faithful as much as you can, but it's equally important that you are honest. You choose how to act and react, but do not choose to lie to yourself. You cannot know for sure why he did this, but yes he can be that devious.
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If he is trying to get back at me for being "dark" what is he going to gain? Me reacting to it and setting new boundaries? Like asking him to pay cash from now so I don't have to see his private expenditures?
What would a teenager gain from telling you anything? Nothing. Does that stop them? Do they feel like they need to do it anyway? I don't think it's a bad idea for you to ask him to budget and pay out of that budget vs. you doing things for him. I agree there may be no reason to separate the accounts. I've done the same in my own situation, but it is one more avenue he can try to hurt you. Don't let him. The sooner you stop letting him hurt you, the sooner he'll stop. He will likely look for more ways to get your attention (i.e. it will hurt you but not always what he will intend directly - youre feelings are understandably raw and him breathing may hurt you at times . Let it roll off when you can. Take steps to stop the behavior that is aimed directly at you. You don't need him to have access to you to hurt you. You need to heal yourself and if he is constantly picking at you, that will take far longer and do a LOT more damage. Take steps to set and enforce those boundaries. That should take more energy than you want to put into it, but its OK and necessary for you to set those boundaries.
I'm not suggesting you cut ties. I'm not suggesting anything other than getting him out of your day to day vision so you can focus on what you need to focus on - you and your daughter.
Something to consider. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm reading your opinions and lots of you think that he is trying to hurt me on purpose...when I was thinking about that possibilty I remebered something that I've read recently:
- dark side -- a part of your psyche that snarls and bites, that's unconscious and irrational, that is motivated by ill will or twisted passions or instinctual fears. It's your own personal portion of the world's sickness: a mess of repressed longings, enervating wounds, ignorant delusions, and unripe powers. You'd prefer to ignore it because it's unflattering or uncomfortable or very different from what you imagine yourself to be. If you acknowledge its existence at all, you might call it the devil, your evil twin, your inner monster, or your personal demon. Psychologist Carl Jung referred to it as the shadow.
Doesn't that make sense? - in their MLC transformation the shadow has the upper hand right now
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Exactly--and coming to terms with one's shadow side is an important part of finally growing up. Somewhere in the resources are some articles by Newman (who runs a different MLC website) which apply Jung's theories to the MLC. I found them quite fascinating and useful.
I'm not sure how "deliberately" the MLCer hurts the LBS. I believe they really are in a space where they can't understand how other people perceive them (or even how they would "normally" have perceived situations). An extreme crisis reaction is to think, "I'll kill myself and that will make life better for everyone who loves me." Or, the opposite child-like thought, "I'll kill myself, and that will make them sorry!" Yet both thoughts are totally internally based--neither begins to capture the reality of what loved ones will feel once the suicide is completed. I think the MLCer, in his depression, is equally incapable of understanding what a "normal" reaction to his actions would be.
CW - I agree that it's very helpful to hear opinions from the guys here...we (girls) are just not wired the same way and seeing things from the male perspective is great.
Cyrena - I did some reading on the "shadow" and some of Jung's theories on other sites...I find it extremely fascinating
I'm not sure if hurting us with their thoughtless actions is deliberate...maybe it comes from their subconscious....
Now opinions please - H emailed me again to do some garden work this weekend...should I let him come and work and ignore him and be "unavailable". I'm kind of thinking, free labor...and I hate cutting grass. Or should I again say that I'm busy and that I can take care of it myself...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
