So much of your story sounds similar to mine. One minute, you have a loving, compassionate mate, and the next, it's "Who is this person?" And weekends are the worst. I went out and found work rather quickly, and that keeps me busy during the week. The key is KEEPING BUSY. I know that is so much easier said than done; it has taken me weeks to be able to pick back up by sewing or watch an entire movie. You will have good moments and bad, but there are plenty of wise people here to get you through it. I, unfortunately, and not one of them. I'm just one of the wanderers through the night that is called MLC'ville. Keep swimmin ( Finding Nemo)
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive: Why is the door shut? Why do birds sing?
conj.
1. The reason, cause, or purpose for which:
2. Usage Problem. On account of which; for which: "The reason why [regular verbs] are called regular is that we can predict what all the other three forms are" (Randolph Quirk).
n., pl., whys.
1. The cause or intention underlying a given action or situation: studying the whys of antisocial behavior. 2. A difficult problem or question.
interj. Used to express mild surprise, indignation, or impatience.
After a week of absense from the gym, I went tonight and worked out for an hour and a half. It felt so good!.
I'm feeling less sad today, more anxious to get started on my NEW life. I'm not sure what I want or how to go about making things happen for ME, though. The stronger I get, the easier it will come to me, I'm sure.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
Well, it has been three months since my H and I separated. I AM doing a lot better emotionally in dealing with our marriage separation than I was in the beginning. I do still think of H and what he has done (and IS doing) too much, but I'm crying and feeling broken less. Contact with my H is VERY minimal- we communicate through text messages more than anything. He doesn't seem that bothered that I'm not talking to him, though. :-( I wish he did, but I guess he is just so wrapped up in the young girl he's having an affair with he doesn't notice anything else. I have had the kids living with me for a month now and he has only taken them for ONE weekend, which is so disappointing. H was always a good father...::sigh:: My boys tried to talk to H about how they feel sad that he doesn't pay attention or even seem to care about them when they are with him, but they said he just argued with them that that wasn't true. My 10 yo actually told him he didn't like it when nephew and his fiance (the 19 yo H is having an affair with) hangs out with them all the time because he doesn't like HER. (I had NO IDEA my son felt that way about her until he told me what he had discussed with his dad!) Of course, that didn't stop H from continuing to inviting them to do things with him and the boys the ONE weekend he spent with our kids. ugh I am still "the enemy" to him. He still lies to me, doesn't trust me. Although he is actually nice to me SOMETIMES, he still prefers to be difficult and start arguments and yell. Everything is at a standstill. H seems content living his life without me and our marriage and the kids. I am sad about that, but I have resigned myself to the fact that all I can do is stand and wait. The sadness has begun to hamper my efforts to heal and improve myself, though, so I am going to use some time off from work this week to get my butt in gear and back on track.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
I am three months into this. I feel like everything is at a standstill. Is this normal at this point? Should I be doing anything more or less as far as DBing goes?
I don't initiate any contact with H- he texts me first, but that happens only maybe once every couple of weeks. I have noticed that if quite a bit of time goes by without me contacting him, he'll text me out of nowhere... "Just wanted to remind u your cell phone bill is over due." (This text puzzled me because I had paid the overdue amount a couple of days before, AND how did he know anything about my cell phone bill?)
Another one that was out of the blue and didn't make sense read, "I got your tax papers is [my sister] or [her boyfriend] at home? I'm [close-by]." Why was he carrying around my tax papers (of all things) when I had just mentioned to him I need more of their clothes and toys dropped off? Why didn't he have THAT to bring by? lol
He texted me the day after Father's Day with: "Thanks for having the boys wish me a happy fathers day really apprec. that. I'll be there to get them friday evening." lol (He was apparently upset/hurt that he DIDN'T get a call from our boys on Father's Day, but I worked a 12-hr. shift that day and assumed the boys would call if they wanted to. It's not MY responsibility to MAKE them wish their dad a good day, right?)
Two weeks ago, we did talk on the phone with each other, but that ended badly. I called him to ask if he could give me some money to help with groceries (since he is STILL not voluntarily offering to pay me any kind of child support). He said he really couldn't, he was struggling financially, too. I then brought up how I REALLY needed him to make our kids a priority (instead of spending his money first on purchasing a boat, admission to the local race track a couple of times a week, beer...). H agreed, but then quickly got defensive and said he was a darn good dad doing the best he can. I never said he wasn't, and agreed with him. He then tried to say he was the BETTER parent and the boys would rather live with him. I told him that that wasn't neccesarily true, that if he'd actually take time for his boys and talk with them he'd find out how they REALLY feel. "What is that suppose to mean? What do they say?" I told him I would not reveal what they told me in confidence. When I told him that they were in counseling (something I kept from him because he wouldn't have allowed it), H became furious. H began to threaten me, the counselor, the school staff, etc. if the counseling continued. I tried to calm him and tell him about how much they liked their counselor and how much better they are handling everything, but he was speaking irrationally. He yelled that if the boys were so miserable when they are with him (that was NEVER said), then they could just stay away from him. That totally shocked me coming from him and I felt like my heart had just been ripped out. I yelled back then and told him, "Don't you do that! Don't you take out your anger and guilt on our boys! They LOVE you even when you're unloveable, and they would be devastated to hear you say such a thing!" He said he didn't have any guilt, that I was the guilty party. "You can thank that b*st**d [male friend he thinks I've been having an affair with] for breaking apart your marriage! When I realized you were cheating on me I was done with you." Then he hung up on me. ::sigh:: The next day he came to pick the boys up for the weekend and acted completely different, as if the conversation the day before had not even happened. He smiled at me, stood and talked with me, and let me know he thought I was doing a good job with the boys more than once. He seemed sincere, but he also sounded (and looked) defeated.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
What your h is doing is typical mlc behavior. He's still monitoring the bills from afar and doesn't have an issue w/reminding you when things are overdue. It's a control issue w/him. Just as the tax papers are a thread to his former life.
I would do everything possible to protect your assets. Make sure that your name isn't on any of the credit cards and set up your own accounts. Most people who post here, at first, think that their spouses will not screw them over, but they do begin to spend and withhold funds as they move deeper into th crisis.
As for the children, your h knows that they love him....try not to guilt him into spending time w/them. The less you raise this issue, but the better off things will be. He needs to feel safe in your presence and in your home. If you attempt to point out the things he's not doing, he'll stay away and only texted or call you.
The best thing you can do right now is keep the focus on you and your children. Give your spouse to greatest gifts of all..time and space. You want to give them all of that you can so that they can work on themselves and also begin to miss you and the children.
Learn to live your life as if he were never coming back. Keep your expectations at zero at all times.
I do hope that you have plans for today. If not, think about making some and get out to watch the fireworks this evening. It's time for you to have a little bit of fun and live your life to the fullest.
