How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

So there is no DBing a marriage that has been hit with MLC?

My H will more than likely continue to "hate my guts" for a long time to come?

I've simply become nothing to him?

I have felt this was the case since the beginning... ::sigh::

What is the use in "standing" for my M then (if it is dead)?

I really do appreciate all the honest feedback I get. Of course it hurts to know my H is in so much pain and causing so much pain in me and my kids, but I do need to know what I am up against.

[Truegritter]

What is the use in "standing" for my M then (if it is dead)?

Only you can say.

Did you read my post that I referenced about standing?

There is an old saying "When the student is ready the teacher will appear"

You are not ready to see this yet because you haven't detached enough.

You are still focused on H and the pain he is causing you.

It is not HIS choice whether this M is dead it is YOURS!!

YOU decide what is going to happen by YOUR choice.

H cannot exert his will in the face of YOUR courage.

It is your choice Rlay. To stand or not. What are YOU about? What is YOUR character? Who do YOU want to be?

I know because I have made the mistake once in my life.

What will it take? What attrocity must be comitted for Rlay to lay down her integrity? Her courage? Her will? Her choice?

To give him that power is YOUR choice my dear.

What will you do?

[ericmsant2]

RLay

So there is no DBing a marriage that has been hit with MLC

I wanted as ask you what DBing is to you but decided not to. DBing is counterintuative is it not? DBing teaches us to stop doing things that do not work - right?

So my answer is you can DB an MLC. It takes a LONG TIME and IMO your chances are very slim. My question to you is this...

Would you be willing to.....give up worrying about your H and the OW..give up trying to change him and control him...commit to opening yourself up to yourself and commit to leaving things in gods hand for the slim chance that your H will return.

Are you willing? if you are - then please...please....listen to me. I and many others have endured great pain...have made ton of mistakes, which we are trying to help you avoid.

Rlay...you are sooooo close...yet soooo far right now.

Stop thing about OW...stop worrying about your H. Start really looking at yourself.

Can you do me a favor and reply back with the reason that your H fell in love with you to begin with. Take a few moments to thing about the positives. Search the threads for my old posts...learn from them.

You can only find the answer to all of your questions....why did he do this? WHy her? Why...WHY>...WHY? All of these answers are really inside of you. THe only way you will answer tehm is to step back from this....let go.
God Bless,
Eric

[Mach1]

RLay,

You have asked a lot of questions that you WANT the answers for.

That is good.

Everything that you NEED the answers for , is already inside of you.

That is better.

One point I want you to understand here, there are two sides to a marriage..

The legal side, and the emotional side.

Our MLC spouses have already checked out of the emotional side , and feel no particular connection to the legal side , most of the time.

I'm gonna use an analogy for you, cause that's what I do...

In the fall of the year, the leaves , on the trees, turn these glorious colors, then they begin to wither, and dry up. They eventually die and fall to the ground.

Will they ever be on a tree again ? Full of vibrant color and life?

No ,they will not be.

Will there be new growth , stemming from those same roots?

Most of the time there is.

However, IF you deny that tree the fertilizer, water, and the sunlight to promote those things.......it will die.

For everything RLay, there is a reason, a season...a time to be.


Does the pile of leaves at the base of your tree, mean the tree is dead ?

No it doesn't.....It means that the tree needs time to lie dormant. To heal, to grow....

To just be for a while.....

Most times, the old leaves serve as fertilizer for the new leaves growth...

But they have to die first...

Your next relationship will be a new one, regardless of who it is with ( even if it is with your current spouse)

And it deserves that time, from you, to grow, and heal properly.

Standing allows us that time to really take a hard look inside of ourselves, and allows that.

Standing is OUR time....for us.


So...

In the spring....

Do you want to be at the base of your tree with a water can?

Or an axe.....


This really is your choice, and your time to heal, and grow as well...

There is no guarantee that your marriage will be restored.

And if there was, there would be no real reason for challenges in our lives.

Nothing worth having is ever easy.

If YOU can use this time for you to become who you want to be,

NOTHING will be failed, and everything gained.

And I will guarantee that RLay will be a success...

[seeking answers]

Awesome post, Mach!

RLay, Those of us who find ourselves here on this site came for the same reason, for a way to save our marriage.

What we find here is the most important thing of all, a way to save ourselves.

You are getting excellent advice from some of our very best. Do yourself a favor, read them again and again, let it sink in and process, and through the dark you will begin to see the light.

(((Hugs)))

[Truegritter]

And I will guarantee that RLay will be a success...

That is the only thing any of us can guarantee for you if you go through this process...

Can't guarantee you'll save your M.

But you WILL save yourself.

Great post Mach...

[Upside]

Love the post Mach. Very true.

RLay, focus on your children and your own growth. We all want immediate answers and resolution when we are in a situation like this but when MLC is involved, you aren't going to get it. Your emotions are in over-drive while your H's emotions are in neutral or even reverse. Slow down and take the time to heal. You will have to do that before you can really sort anything out.

(((HUGS)))

[ericmsant2]

Great post Mach...just wondering are you and Oak or Maple ?

Rlay - please read Mach and True's post again...pay close attention to the use of the word "YOU". You may not be able to see it right now..why?
[quote]Your emotions are in over-drive[\quote]

If you...
[quote]Slow down and take the time to heal[\quote]

A lot of things will come to light...

So take some time....don't rush....think and feel...

God Bless,
Eric

[RLay1100]

(I'm venting.)

Today is a day I have been avoiding and stressing about for weeks now- the day I go with a big moving truck and take all my stuff from OUR home to move it into MY home.
I have known I was going to be doing that this weekend for over a week, but didn't get the courage to call my H to talk about it until yesterday morning. I have become so afraid of his responses and the awful spewing. I had not talked to H in days.

I started out by telling him I had found a place to rent, that it was a nice place for the kids and me. He seemed glad about that.

A couple of SECONDS later, though, he gets a nasty tone and accuses me of turning our 10 YO son against him because he finally admitted to his dad that he wants to live with me, not him. I assured H that that wasn't the case- I always let my boys know it is their decision and their parents will love them regardless of who they are living with. H just grunted and mumbled, "sure". (H has been pressuring 10 YO to stay with him because he knows he cant win over our 9 YO "mommy's boy". Which is puzzling because to ME H talks like he can't WAIT for me to take the boys to live with me so he can have more freedom to do what he wants.)

I then began discussing with him me coming up Saturday to get my stuff to move into my place. I ask if he will be there, that I assume he will not want to be there at the same time I am there. He jumps at the chance to be mean- "Oh, I definately don't want to be here with YOU". I simply replied, "I understand, so can you be away from the house on Saturday so that I can get my stuff?" It agitated him that he didn't get a response out of me with his little stab.

H says he'll be gone but then starts questioning me about who is coming with me to help me move. I tell him just my sister and her bf. H doesn't believe me, keeps repeating the question (I keep repeating the answer). (He was trying to find out if I was going to have a man with me.)

Then I pulled the conversation to what he wanted to keep, what I wanted to take. Of course, H didn't seem to want to give up anything. He got angry and said I was leaving him with nothing but a floor to sit on. I tried compromising on some things, but he just didn't seem to want to make anything easy. ::sigh:: Although our boys will continue to live with H for a couple of more weeks (until the school year ends), I told him I needed to take their beds and furniture while I had the big moving truck. I assured him I would buy a big airbed for them to use in the meantime, but he STILL tried to accuse me of not caring if the boys had to sleep on the floor! (The boys told me that later he told them that "mom" was taking their beds so now they would have to get use to sleeping on the floor. UGH)

I tried to make him realize I was TRYING to be fair, that I was taking the things we needed. Didn't he want his kids to have comfort? He started the, "What about ME?!!"

I responded, "I didn't choose to be in this situation, to have to separate and move everything away. This is the consequence of YOUR choices, not mine. I am just respecting your choice and doing what I have to do. The kids and I have had a hard time with all this, and I just want the transition to be as easy as possible." H immediately got defensive and asserted that he was struggling, too, and he has suffered just by having to put up with me all these years (???). (Yes, that hurt since I always tried to be a good, loving wife.) I just let it go.

Then H wanted to go back to the subject of my new place. He asked where it was located, I answered. He asked if it was nice and big enough, I said it was. He asked how much the rent was, and I didn't answer with the specific cost, just that I could afford it. I did that because I just didn't feel it was any of his business how much MY rent was, but I did think it was important for him to know I could afford it.

H found that suspicious, though, and asked if I was moving in with another man. I said no. He said he didn't believe me and asked if it was "T" (a specific man he has been obsessed with because he has suspected me of having an affair with him for MONTHS now even though that is definately not the case). I ignored him. He persisted in questioning me about "T" and who was I dating then. I just kept quiet, which frustrated him. (Why does he even CARE if I'm dating...? He doesn't want me, and he is dating OW.)

Finally, I was just tired of arguing and going in circles with him so I told him I had to go and hung up before I even got a response.

About 10 mins. later H texts me saying he's decided to move into a trailor his mother owns and he'll start packing on Saturday- the day I had JUST told him I'll be in the house packing! UGH. "But I thought you didn't want to be there when I am there?" His response: "No why? You don't need to bring any guys up here..."

About an hour later, he texts me, "I know you love our boys and are just trying to do good by them. I'll try to help u when i can i'm trying to sell my racecar". I didn't respond again, and he didn't text me further.

::sigh:: I feel so sad after contact with H because it always reminds me that he is not the same man I was with for 11 years. He seems so sad, angry, lost. I know that right after I told him (over and over) I would be fair and not take anything of his or that I didn't need for me and the kids, he posted on his Facebook page that I was taking everything he owned. Of course, he got sympathetic responses and he complained that I was being so mean and unfair. (He already has his friends and family thinking I am the bad guy because he tells everyone all I ever wanted to do was control and fight with him and that I was having an affair.) This really really bothers me that he feels the need to vilify me to everyone, when it's HIM being the jerk. :-(

Today will be a hard day. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you all SO MUCH.

[RLay1100]

I love my husband so much, but I do feel myself detaching from him. The pain has just become too much.

I am beginning to feel stronger, more optimistic about my future. I am very excited about my new place, a little nervous about raising three boys primarily on my own.

For now, I will continue to stand and have hope for my marriage. I do not want a divorce. I will work on myself and care for my children in the meantime.