What do you think will make you want to have sex with your S again? Just curious. After my H admitted his A it had the effect of making me want to have sex with him, (after checking he had taken precautions with OW). I believe this was for lots of primeval reasons - showing him what he might be losing, putting my scent/mark back on him, wanting to let OW know she hadn't got herself a faithful cheater, (lol) etc.......
I don't think my feelings about this are unusual so I am surprised by what you posted. No offence meant by my question.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Allen-subconsciously he may be feeling violated, but this has been an issue for a long time. Before I had the affairs he didn't want to have sex. I had to go on fertility drugs just to up the chances because of that fact. And, I shouldn't just say sex....but the intimate times were non existent. No touching of my back, no hugs out of nowhere, no kissing, no hand holding, no verbal flirting or "I love yous". So, there are some more needs I have. I just gave one example as to how I was totally disregarded and how that made me feel.
To be honest, your statement that my H is at a sense of loss how to please is probably correct. After this year has passed, I'm not sure there is. It's more than a list of things now......flowers wouldn't even touch it.....it is a feeling of complete disconnectiveness, in every way possible. My mind, my body, my heart, everything. How DO you get that back? My mantra used to be feelings follow actions and this past year I've been doing actions, but my feelings have not followed.
Hi Saffie! So good to hear from you. Yes, there was no initial lust/infactuation phase in my marriage. He and I liken it to an arranged marriage. We both were looking for a certain type of person based on our pasts and we were it. Great on paper, all our friends were marrying at the same time, and we did, too.
Retrouvaille helped us leave the past in the past and forgave each other of the past. He also had gone to a counselor on his own to work on his issues and it made me feel that maybe something would change.
I wanted to believe that we would connect more this time, that things would be different. I don't know how to "fix" us.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
1. To be with a partner that has his own personality and thoughts and feelings and interests and friends.
2. To feel sexually desired by my husband and to feel sexual desire toward him.
3. To feel desire to be around my husband.
4. To laugh with my husband.
5. To not feel sad when I'm with my husband.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
I am so with you on the perked up desire when I discovered that my husband had strayed! I wanted my chance to compete, and compete I did! I'd like to see OW charm him with a personal bellydance! And how he responds to that, wow! That competition in the bedroom actually did us a world of good.
Ok, 4 is specific, the rest aren't actions... this is right out of MWD...
What will he be DOING to bring this out in you?
What do you need HIM to DO?
You see, if you express your needs to him like you are above, he can't meet them... they just aren't specific... this is right out of DR... you have to measure by specific action... Right?
This is such a change for you! I remember you used to say how much you loved your husband. It shows how frustration can change your perception of your spouse. I know when we were having trouble, I thought my H was the most boring human being on earth. I can't say exactly what changed that for me, I know that it wasn't just one thing. I think if there is no sex, then it isn't a full reconciliation. I don't see how you can reconcile without that full intimacy.
Did your H come from an affectionate, touchy feely family? It sounds like he has never learned these skills or their importance. That's what I think he needs to bring up with a C.
I agree with Lotus that in your unhappiness you seem to be rewriting history re your feelings slightly.
Allen, I look forward to reading your reply to my question re intimacy with your W.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yup, I will address your question... But right now I want to work on whatami's list a bit more...
Quote:
1. To be with a partner that has his own personality and thoughts and feelings and interests and friends.
Ok, this isn't specific
At the end of each work day, tell me how your day went : what you were feeling during different times of the day and what happened to make you feel that way.
That is specific and something he can ACT ON
Quote:
2. To feel sexually desired by my husband and to feel sexual desire toward him.
OK, this is clearly needing some work, I won't touch that one...
Quote:
3. To feel desire to be around my husband.
What will your husband be doing when you feel this way?
---------------------
I want you to understand I am not trying to frustrate you or dissappoint you here, but you very likley will feel that right now... So does your HUSBAND
If the sample list you offered is the direction he's getting... He is going to be confused and frustrated....
There is hope here, but it needs to be specifically phrased...
I think you should work on your list more...
Originally Posted By: whatamigoingtodo
Our very first counselor said that I can't assume my H can read my mind. That I need to tell him what I need/want.
I am thinking this is the problem.
You said you asked him to buy red roses on v-day.
1. Did you tell him or did you write it down for him to read? 2. How was he feeling when he was given the info? 3. How does he feel about buying flowers? 4. How was he feeling on v-day and a few days earlier?
You're telling us you have told him about your needs and he hasn't met them... but I am asking you now for a list of specific meetable needs your husband can act on, and you don't seem to have a list ready...
Can you see the problem from where I am?
I could very well be missing something, but...
I dunno... The flowers thing, that reads more like a set up... And I get the impression your husband has issues with buying flowers to begin with...
If you put a BIG DETAILED LIST together, and I am willing to help you do that, and your husband did HALF of it ... would that statisfy you?
The problem I am seeing here is
1. Not communicating your needs clearly to him 2. Isolated direction that's intimidating
The second one is a bit awkward, but let me explain :
If you give him a specific thing to do, nothing else, and he misses the mark, he may have some feeling in him that intimidates him ... So he just avoids the flowers instead of buying them. He may not be comfortable expressing or feeling emotions. He may know you getting the flowers will bring that out so he's avoiding it to avoid his own discomfort by avoiding the flowers.
Does that make any sense?
The solution in that case isn't to leave him, or to feel hopeless or to turn away from him. The solution is to help him learn how to access his emotions in a way that he's comfortable doing so and eventually looks forward to it.
You feeling your emotions, accessing them, understanding them, expressing them, this may be easy for you, but it may not be easy for him.
