Regardless of how you think your interactions with H went today, remember that OW won't be very happy when she finds out he spent the afternoon at your house. She will be imagining what happened there....and even if she didn't know today that H was there, it will come out in the future. It always does.
Is it possible that H wanted to be at your home just because he misses being there?
I agree with the idea that since H spent money from your joint account, you should be able to spend from the joint account too, for lawn service......or even better, to treat yourself to some pampering. Is there something that you REALLY enjoy and that would bring a smile to your face? Bright blonde highlights or a fake tan for the summer? How about bleaching your teeth at home (you can order whitening gel at dentist.net----I use DayWhite gel (don't swallow the gel))?.....Some bright red toenails? ........or maybe some bright peep-toe sandals?
After my H left I lost a fair amount of weight and had more time to take care of myself. One added benefit of this for me was that I noticed men looking at me when I was out running errands. Even though I wasn't in the market for a new relationship, it was a very nice ego-booster.
Be kind to yourself.....and pace yourself. This is a long journey. Slow and steady wins the race.
SA, AJ, DG, Dudess, CW, Twink, SCH, Glam, Shelbel, GAG - thank you all, your input is much valued and appreciated
SA - this darn detachment part is so hard, I want to get better at it NOW
AJ - I was thinking about why do I still have the need to explain myself to him. Like the reasons for my actions. I think that it's because I don't want him to think that I'm angry with him or that I'm trying to control him by not talking to him. I should be in a place where I don't care what he thinks....and I'm not.
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Let him see the happy Mila
How do I do that when I'm dark? When I show him "happy" Mila that would mean that I'm friendly towards him. I don't know how to do both at the same time....Am I missing something?
DG Thanks for trying to make me feel better
Dudess - LOL....hmmmm "dream lawnman"
Twink - good points thank you...after a day like this I don't feel that I'm doing that good. By being "dark" I can't really DB and when I react the way I did today it seems that I counter-DB.
AJ -
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You barely know him right now. He looks like someone you knew, but he isn't right now.
I have to remeber that when I talk to him. I still expect the same reactions from him that I was used to for 36 years and obviously I'm not getting that now....and it hurts
CW - It's true they are going through their own rollercoaster, some days he looks so down and today he looked happy with himself.
SCH - Thanks I will repeat that to myself 100 times every day "I'm sane and he is not"
AJ - Thanks for the great quote...it's so true....I obviously need some of that healthy attitude.
Glam - I believe that he cares, he even tells me that he does and that he wants to see me happy and smiling and he even tells me that he loves me...accept not "that way". Yet at the same time he does all of these really hurtful and thoughtless things. Rationally I know it's due to MLC but emotionally I'm not handling it well. I have lots of work to do on myself.
Shell & SA - it's weird how he thinks that because he has moved out he legitimized his affair, they can find a way to justify everything.
GAG -
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Is it possible that H wanted to be at your home just because he misses being there?
It's possible, he will of course never admit it now. Maybe that's what he meant when he said "you don't know everything"
GAG - Thanks for your GAL suggestions. All done already...need more ideas Blond Highlights - Check Fake (and real)tan - Check Teeth whitening (in the process)- Check Red (Pink) Toenails - Check Peep toe sandals (black) - Check
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
OK WH called me at 10pm tonight asking when is D off work that he will pick her up and bring her home. I said I don't have the exact time that she usually calls me when to pick her up. He asked that I call him when I know and he will bring her. I said isn't it a bit too complicated? He said "I really want to do that". I said OK. When D arrived she told me that H wants to bring her home from work on regular bases from now on.
Couldn't get in through the garden gate so now he is trying something else to be part of the family?
D comment was "he wants to pick me up every time....accept when he is out of town with OW I guess"
Another thing he did tonight...yet again he commented on one of my posts on facebook...why does he keep doing that I wonder? Especially after today's exchange.
He wants me to let him go, yet he just keeps pulling me back in...so weird
Last edited by Mila; 05/31/1008:20 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, One thing I have noticed about my H is that he still wants to control things. I think it's a way of trying to be part of our lives. A suggestion would be to stop posting on FB for a while if you can. He's keeping track of you there.
When you're dark, I believe the impression you want to give your H when you have to see him is polite, friendly, upbeat, but nothing about you personally. No R talk.
Be mysterious. Start carrying on with your life as if he will never come back. The more he wonders what you are doing,means the more time he spends thinking about you. Be the one your H has to chase after. Be the challenge. Give him as little about yourself as you possibly can. It doesn't seem to be in your H's case that outta sight, outta mind. It appears to draw him more to you as he can't stand it.
No way around this and I'm saying it for myself, too. It's going to be a long haul. We have the gift of time in this for ourselves though, too. Give the new tactics some time, be consistent, and then reevaluate. If it's not working you can always adjust to fit your sitch.
You have it harder because you're in business with him. Concentrate on that he is your business partner and keep it as separate from this as you can. It's difficult, but its been done before and I have no doubt that you can pull it off.
How do I do that when I'm dark? When I show him "happy" Mila that would mean that I'm friendly towards him. I don't know how to do both at the same time....Am I missing something?
I think that is why you have to go dark. Your WH "see's" you a certain way right now, and that way is not helping yours and his relationship. By going dark you put time and distance between that view he has of you, and the real you. And during that time you become stronger. So that when a little time has passed, he will come back to seeing the actual Mila that he knows and loved. Does that make sense?
The control thing that people talk about... it's really common... in their rule book. The first family L I ever saw told me they do this (and I thought, at the time, not my H!!!!). Said he's seen it a million times. I think we have to accept the control issue exists, and work from that premise.
Re: fb - I "unfriended" WH early on, and thought form time-to-time that I shouldn't have, however, I am mostly glad I did because he has to wonder what I am doing now. And as I get stronger I am happier, and if he hears reportss back from any common friends (not many there!) he will only hear how great I am doing. Just my experience though.
I was thinking about why do I still have the need to explain myself to him.
IMO - you still do this because it is what you did for 36 years - it feels normal. So please be gentle on yourself.
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I want to get better at it NOW
True detachment takes time. Your natural instinct is to hold on. So again be gentle on yourself. For me - I had to get to the point where I realized that nothing, nothing that I would do could turn my W around. The only thing I could do was make myself be as happy as I could. IMO - detachment is a process that we the LBS's grow into. I do not think it just "happens".
In terms of getting him to "see" things while you t dark. Well that to me sounds like u r still focused on doing something with the EXPECTATION that he will notice. Many have said it and is so true - you go dark for YOU. You go dark because you finally are at a point where ur interactions r not healthy for YOU. When you r dark - u take that time to heal, to grow, to CHANGE - not for him but change for YOU. IMO - the more you wonder..."Will he notice this" or "did he see that"..."Maybe if I do this he will feel like..". All of these type thoughts keep us the LBS stuck. Stuck from our true goals. Stuck from our potential. Stuck from making the lasting changes that we need to make for US.
It is a hard realization that we cannot change another. We can only change ourselves. It is even a HARDER realization that we really must let go.
Mila - stop looking at ur H. Stop being in the middle of the R between your D and H ans start giving Mila a break. A break from all of this ...give MIla sometime to really heal. To do this YOU need to stay dark.
God Bless, Eric
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I should be in a place where I don't care what he thinks....and I'm not.
I would think of it as a place not where you "don't care" rather a place where his reactions to your interaction do not change how u feel. U can care about what he says and thinks - it just should not change what u r doing.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
EA and True both said exactly what I would have said. It's true, Mila. You have to do things for you. Nobody else will right now. Accept that. Break the old habits and do things for you. Don't worry about what he does or does not see. He'll see what he wants to see anyway and is watching. He is curious. As for your D's relationship with him. Step back and think about that for a minute. You may want to encourage the relationship at this point. Deep down inside yourself. You don't need to say anything to D or H. But think about it - if you were in that position wouldn't you want to have a relationship with your father at some point? Maybe not right now, but at some point you would. If he wants to have a relationship with her, that's a good thing for them both. Don't rob your D of that relationship if it is possible to have.
Mila, you are doing exceptionally well and asking all the right questions. Pat yourself on the back.
EA put it well - going dark is for you. To get away from the craziness. The sooner you can do that, the better. You will see things very differently "as you move away from the tress to see the forest"
You will be in a much better position when you are no longer concerned with H seeing what you are doing. Seems counter to what you know, but then again... so is everything that is happening right now, right? Trust those that tell you to detach that you need to. Things won't change before then. You have to go through to get to the other side of this. Take the plunge and go through....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
