Mila, you are actually doing very well! I'm about 9 months more post-B than you, and I had these slip-ups until about 6 months ago. Give yourself a break, girl! This is hard.
It may be time to see/talk to your H as little as you can possibly manage. No backsliding. Hire someone to do what he wants to do for you. Communicate via text/email only if you must. Make some distance for you. It helps, a lot sometimes.
Don't let his demeanor fool you. Find your path and walk it.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I totally agree with Twink. Give yourself a break Mila. He wanted to see that you cared. He wanted to talk to D. He is using any manipulative behavior he can to come over. Hence the yard work. When he told you that you don't know everything, he's right. You don't. What I hear there is that you are not listening - yet. I would think that's because it hurts too much to listen to anything he says right now. You barely know him right now. He looks like someone you knew, but he isn't right now. Twink - took 9 months huh? Good on ya! It's been years for me and she still sometimes gets to me. But it does get easier and distance helps a tremendous amount. It provides breathing space. Time to think.
Hang in there Mila. One day. Now dust yourself off when you are ready, and take your next step - refocus on you. You must be able to get yourself back in balance. Find that balance. Then you can help D. We'll go from there.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Don't beat yourself up about the convo with H...he got to you...it's ok...it is not going to make or break your situation but don't let it break you!
There was a time a few weeks ago when my H looked like he was all pleased with himself too and I had said "you don't have to look so happy to be divorcing me"...the next time I saw him, he looked not so good.
Mila...you can do this...you are so close...I can really feel that...keep hanging in there...detach, detach, detach!!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
During our attempted reconciliation, WH was telling me about his epiphany... how while he was dating 2 different girls he realized that he could have just had the life he was looking for with me... so he came back to tell me. And I was really upset. DATING? In 2 weeks of moving out, while we were married and I was trying to figure out which way was up... he was serious dating??????? I got so upset, which of course was the wrong response, he wanted me to be happy!!??!!
You have every right to be angry, sad, and everything else you're feeling. It's the normal reaction to what he just did. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, you are sane, he is acting insane at the moment.
Take your time, and keep him AWAY, find any reason you need to, even if it's just for a few days.... until 1) you feel stronger, and 2) he gets a slightly better emotional grip!
Hey Mila. Saw something for you. Thought it would come in handy at some point:
Quote:
The formula for happiness is simple. We don't need material wealth, a perfect job, or an exceptional relationship. In fact, it's possible to know happiness with no job, very little money, and no significant other. Happiness is a by-product of a healthy attitude. And a healthy attitude is one that takes the normal turmoil of life and mixes it with a belief in God's presence. The result is an acceptance of God's will and a certainty that, in spite of appearances, all is well.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mila we all get sucked in at some point or another. This is exactly why you can't have him over if you don't control the emotions.
You need to be happy and going about your business when he comes over. I know easier said than done. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I wept in front of my h.
We can't always assume we know what is going on with them. That has been one hard lesson for me to learn. I am one to jump to conclusions when I don't know the truth. It seems like that might be some of what you are experiencing too.
I don't believe your h is releaving guilt. It does seem that he cares too. Don't assume he doesn't. He wouldn't be around if he didn't care. Now the caring might not be in what you expect or want right now, but he does care in his own MLC way.
Stay clear and keep focused on you and D. You can do it.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
If you can find a way to stop reacting, please let me know. I think it hurts so much just because we keep hoping and hoping and they come in every once in awhile & crush it. Just for fun.
Can you make a point of not being there if he's going to come over?
And I have to say, I REALLY like the thought of hiring someone to do it.
ftr--separated is still married. I'm totally with you on that one.
<3
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
They, like us, probably have some days that are better than others. Your H was probably on a good day because you actually let him come back to do yard work. This is more than you've given him in a while and he even got D to talk with him. He may be thinking that he has assurance that you're still where he left you. It may have been a form of cake eating for him.
It's script for them to believe that once they leave us that they are no longer M'd, and what they're doing is not classified as cheating or an affair. My H, not long after he left, told me that he never cheated on me during our M. He felt it was not cheating because we were no longer together. He acted like I should give him a medal for that. I didn't bother pointing out to him that we're still M.
All we can do is detach further and try not to get sucked in. I know how hard that is to do. Pick yourself up, dust off and continue to move forward. We WILL get through this my friend!
Thank you all for the outpour of support...I love you all, you are giving me a big lift.
I'm reading your responses and I will reply when I "Pick myself up & Dust off". I'm just reflecting tonight and processing what the heck happened again and why I keep doing this to myself...getting sucked in....I should know better by now
((((group hug))))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
But it does get easier and distance helps a tremendous amount. It provides breathing space. Time to think.