You are all giving me very good advice and I see what I need to do...I just have to do it.
I recognize that I definitely have some co-dependency issues...after 36 years together it's probably normal, we were always together, doing everything together, even when we were with friends we were together...hardly ever did we go on to do things without each other. So yes it feels like I'm missing half of me.
H was very possessive of me, I the early years very jealous, all throughout our marriage he would call me many times a day just to see if I'm OK, or telling me to be careful driving, "call me when you get there" etc. So this switch is really hard to comprehend for me. Ever since the affair started it just stopped, he doesn't care what I do, where I go, If I'm OK. He just replaced me with OW, that's where his loyalties are now.
It's very hard for me to let go probably because I still can't believe inside that he could switch like that and I'm fighting it....so my inability to detach is also about acceptance....I haven't fully accepted it.
Yesterday I was looking at H through the window as he was cutting grass. I was looking at him with new eyes, kind of detached as I would look at a stranger. The thoughts that went through my mind were that he is a good looking man (I always though that), he looks great for his age (he could pass for 40) but the other surprising thoughts were that I realized that I don't like this man I see...he looks like the man I love, but he is not him anymore, he is this cold, arrogant, selfish, self absorbed person that I wouldn't even want to be friends with right now.
I'm still in love with the "old H" but I don't really care much for this new version of him. Just that realization should help me to detach. I've been doing lots of thinking, reading what you all had to say...and I know it will all come "together" for me one of these days....hopefully soon.
I sense a change in him in the past week. He has gained confidence and resolve. It feels like he's reached some kind of internal decision. The depression is gone as far as I can see and he is content and proactive in trying to be involved in D's life and in mine. It's like he is happy with his choices and getting into a routine.
I attribute this to OW leaving her H 3 weeks ago...according to her it's her final decision. So now for the first time they finally have what they both fought for for a year. The drama is over and they won. OW's H told me that OW told him yesterday...that she is happy.
Just received an email from H announcing that he is taking D away this weekend. Didn't ask if it's OK with me, didn't say where they are going...just an announcement
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
They aren't really recognizable while they are in MLC. It's scarry to even think about how much they change. I think that is so dissappointing to the LBS. It's really hard to accept this new h and the decisions that they have made. Hard to process.
Wow, 36 yrs. It will take some time getting beyond your h. He has been a huge part of your life and you in his.
Did your h really say that about the credit card mileage to see ow or is that your assumption? They are hard to recognize at this stage of the journey.
Keep focused on you and D.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Glam - thank you...yes it is devastating to see how a person you think you know as well as yourself can become someone else
About the credit card - no he didn't say "I need travel miles to see OW". He said "I want to get travel miles"...but of course it will be for that...it's very expensive for him and her to fly to see each other and so far she has been paying for it...unless you get a seat sale it's about $500 and they have been doing it about once a month and this month 2x - 1x him there and 1x her here. How long can you go spending money like that?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
This 'happiness' is all down to the infatuation they feel. Now they are together reality will hit much sooner. Realism is much harder than fantasy.
They will be happy for a short while as that is what they think they want but as they settle into their routine the rose coloured glasses will slip. Then stand by for fireworks.
Hey Libby - thanks That's what I'm thinking also. But who knows, maybe they are perfect for each other and they will live happily forever after...I don't really care today...I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow LOL
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Libby has made some excellent points. Things I have seen myself since H and ow live together.
The sooner you can let go so that ow has to fulfill all your H's needs the sooner reality hits for both of them and when/if they wake up, they'll realize there was no place like home.
This is your time, Mila. Your time to find yourself again. You can't control another person only yourself. That will be a hard reality for your H. It's obvious he likes calling the shots. You get to call the shots now concerning your own life.
Libby is so right. Buckle up, the drama isn't anywhere near over yet.
Mila, I so understand about looking at your H & just not liking him anymore. It's so hard to remember that they are just...gone.
Replaced by this *thing* that sort of looks like him...kinda. The proverbial evil twin. I'm trying not to take things so personally, it's not easy. But seeing this new person as opposed to my old H helps. These men are strangers to us now, we have to take away their power to hurt us anymore. It's not easy.
Libby is right on when she said it ain't over. When they find that the new R they thought they wanted is going to be just like the old R because the problem was with THEM and not their spouses...oh, buddy. Look out. And I love SA's comment about letting go & giving OW the time and room to fail at giving h his perfect life. You bring the popcorn, I'll bring the beer, we'll watch the show together.
I can't imagine what it's going to be like after 36 years to finally be on your own, but I think you have a wonderful opportunity here. I loved my time alone before I got married, I got to figure out who the *real* me was. Of course I promptly forgot about her after the babies arrived...but that's another post.
You get the chance to figure out what it is you want to do with your life, even if your just starting out with figuring out what to do with your days.
Before I was married, I had NO problem going out to eat or to a movie by myself. Granted, I don't think I went on a Saturday night, but I did go. I really enjoyed those times.
What are some of the things you are looking forward to doing now? Just on your own? Even start small--trying out the new bistro, trying out that new blues club, take a class in *anything* you find interesting. Our local adult ed programs offer everything from tech classes for careers, to cake decorating to belly dancing. (I took a belly dancing class like 20 years ago, with my mom!! It was more fun than you can imagine! lol)
Look deep down and think of one thing, just ONE, that you've always wanted to try. Tell me what it is.
I'll tell you mine...
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
The way he is now...she can have him, I only want the old version of H back It will be interesting to observe what happens with those two Midlifers
shell - I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours???? LOL BTW - I love going to the movies alone, I've never done it before, I only started since the bomb. You can sit wherever you want, get the candy you want....I like it
My yoga studio is offering belly dancing...I though about it but I chickened out.
What else do I do to GAL. Go to the gym, synergy class, girly stuff like hair & mani & pedi and last but not least shopping.
I'm a volunteer blood donor, donate every 5 weeks...I consider it a GAL because it makes me feel good.
Going to a wine & cheese party this weekend Meeting with my support group for coffee Checking out some art shows downtown I love reading And would like to plan another little weekend getaway with D Actually there are plenty of things that I would like to do and I'm slowly filling up the big empty space in my life that H left.
I also don't mind being alone, some people can't stand it, but I'm OK with it...to a point.
OK shelbel - now tell me yours
I'm really good today, kind of thinking of him in different way, more like "who is this stranger that used to be my H"....I think that I'm ready to do this "detachment" thing....I hope that I don't fall of the wagon again.
H sent me 3 emails today, all 3 came in the early afternoon. I didn't reply right away and tonight I receive another email from H
"I sent you 2 emails today. Could you please try to communicate with me at least in emails and reply to me when I send you something... Thank you!"
There was nothing urgent to reply to, so this must be about control again...
I just replied "OK" to the emails from earlier...that's all that was necessary if anything and I'd sent him one saying "sorry that I didn't reply fast enough for you"....
I wish that he would just leave me alone already. But you know what, it's just annoying, I'm not upset or emotional about it....I guess that's progress
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
That's what I'm thinking also. But who knows, maybe they are perfect for each other and they will live happily forever after...I don't really care today...I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow LOL