ughhhh just do down and sad and angry and disgusted and everything right now.
Because he fell into a painkiller addiction almost 2 years ago,our lives went upside down. But I never divorced him. I always believed "for better or for worse". We were still in love just in a really bad rollercoaster.
I really thought me telling him to go up there to get away from temptation, to clear his head and then start couseling so he can get better and then so we can get better together was the best idea. It was my idea
I never thought by me telling him to go up there, I pushed him to another woman. I am just feel so hopeless right now. So empty. Just trying to get strong to reach second trimester.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
yep that's why in DB it mentions to not get family involved. I still see it as a powerplay. I would go after the OW's family if you know for sure they are involved.
He's going to deny through the nose. But you want her to break it off from him because of the heat.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Actually, as you know, addicts will usually switch one addiction with another. She is that substitute and in his moment of "weakness" she's the sympathetic ear. He's escaping plain and simple.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I wonder if she realizes that by being with him, she'd have a step-child? Getting her to leave him sounds great...I wonder if he might see that as controlling, vindictive, or whatever negative thought consumes him.
Making sure he knows your position on your M is good. Harping on it is bad. The baby does change things, though. He may have said mean things, and will probably do more. Remember, you have both been rough enough to each other that he is hurt, and you are too. Who plans a baby in the middle of a D? He's confused and angry that his plan to simply 'get away' is gone, and he might be realizing there's a social and moral obligation, too that he didn't have two weeks ago.
This doesn't excuse his behaviour, but I hope those ideas help you understand why your anger/hurt/resentment/(embarrassment?) isn't coming through to affect him. He loved(s) you. But now, he doesn't think he does or wants to.
I would highly suggest reading, getting busy learning about being a mom, and doing 180s to be the best wife you could be for him if he returns, or for another gentleman who deserves your love if he does not. Getting angry about his reactions will just give you wrinkles!!
Because he fell into a painkiller addiction almost 2 years ago,our lives went upside down. But I never divorced him. I always believed "for better or for worse". We were still in love just in a really bad rollercoaster.
You seem to be rewriting history here. You say you always believed in for better or worse and you never divorced him. However your original post says something quite different. You admit you weren't in love with him. You admit the marriage was over FROM the beginning. You seem to follow whatever emiotion you have for the day.
Now you are saying something quite different,but that isn't what your first post communicated. Seems to me you were communicating it was over and you were NOT in love at some point or points.
Quote:
January 09. He did not look for a job. I would catch him sleeping till 5-6pm. I stayed out even more bc I was angry. Marriage counseling did nothing for us. I KNEW he was still somehow on drugs. We emotionally separated. 2009 was a horrible year. He spent it denying it and falling more depressed. . I spent it being angry and cold and never being home with him. I yelled, I screamed.I told myself I was not in love with him because if I said it to my family, to the world that we were crumbling out loud, then it would be true. I tried to convince myself I only loved him but was not in love with him because I was TERRIFIED he would die. The Sunday of Labor Day weekend, he just left one night saying he was going to get coffee. 10 minutes passed; half an hour passed. An hour passed. I finally got in contact with him and told him if he did not come back right away to not come back at all. He did not come home. We were separated and barely talking for 2.5 months.
Thanksgiving week. I find out his car was repo’d. I had come to the conclusion that I am not in love with him anymore but I knew I was the only one that could save him. After a million phone calls I find out where he is and go to him. I tell him to come home and I would help him as a friend. We would do this together. But the marriage was over and it was from the very beginning.
Yes I did admit in my original post because I want all posters to know the whole sitch that I told him a few times, "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you" and "I'll help you as a friend" etc...
As I am currently in therapy, in MC and seeing a priest, I have discovered I said this to emotionally detach myself a bit because I was terrified he was going to die. I was terrified of losing him. I am not saying I was right. I have expressed this to him right before he went up there to recover and in my 9 page letter which I know is a no no a week after the bomb.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
"I know we may not be able to salvage...but I hope...either way, I want to say in writing that I was very hard on you...in therapy I realized that I was afraid of losing you....pushed you away...can get why you don't want to come back...hope you do for us, not just for your son or daughter...but if you don't...I want to make my sincere apology for not being there when you needed...and hurting you deeply because of my own hurt and fear...
"I know we may not be able to salvage...but I hope...either way, I want to say in writing that I was very hard on you...in therapy I realized that I was afraid of losing you....pushed you away...can get why you don't want to come back...hope you do for us, not just for your son or daughter...but if you don't...I want to make my sincere apology for not being there when you needed...and hurting you deeply because of my own hurt and fear...
YES I did. 9 page letter I mailed him the week after the bomb. He received it. The last convo we had when I told him I was pregnant, I asked him if he ever received it. He said he did and that was the end of that. Some people in al anon have told me that some spouses do feel very betrayed and do say things like what I said.
Last edited by papayachic; 06/03/1002:43 AM.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
You seem to be in a state of "panic." At least that is how you are coming across to me. When a person in these situations is in a panic state they tend to make many mistakes. Calling and talking to most every member of his family, wanting to drive up and confront him, confronting the OW, writing letters, etc. etc.
Before making any moves or decisions you really should get a hold of your emotions. You can't make wise decisions if you make them depending on the emotion of the day.
He says he wants out. He is going to feel that you trapped him because of the baby Don't you see that? That is a huge hurdle. It does seem coincidental that you are pregnant for the first time in nine years just at the time he wants out.
You seem to be in a state of "panic." At least that is how you are coming across to me. When a person in these situations is in a panic state they tend to make many mistakes. Calling and talking to most every member of his family, wanting to drive up and confront him, confronting the OW, writing letters, etc. etc.
Before making any moves or decisions you really should get a hold of your emotions. You can't make wise decisions if you make them depending on the emotion of the day.
He says he wants out. He is going to feel that you trapped him because of the baby Don't you see that? That is a huge hurdle. It does seem coincidental that you are pregnant for the first time in nine years just at the time he wants out.
I guess I am in panic mode. After the day he dropped the bomb, I cried and pleaded and sent up the letter that week.
The very few times after I have spoken to him since being on this site I have been calm and collected on the phone bc of the suggestions on here.
I am finding out more and more about the OW and feeling more and more hopeless and that is why I have a roller coaster of feelings. I post on here to get advice and see things in other ways.
We've been together since I was 18. Married only 2.5 years. Pregnancy is not "fake" if that is what you are implying. I have no idea why God decided to add this blessing at this time. He is free to demand DNA test or call my ob if he wants.
Last edited by papayachic; 06/03/1003:08 AM.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
