New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

No OM. I've been doing my best to be a good dad, even with 900 miles separating me from the family. I may be a part time dad, but regular phone calls, texts, and emails are the best I can do til we link up again.

WAS left because I was battling PTSD after returning from Iraq. Too many anger outbursts, passive-aggressive behaviors. I am not like that anymore. After 2 years alone and weekly counseling sessions, I can say with surety that I have changed for the best. I'm sure W knows it, and my Boys sure have told me numerous times how much I have changed. W just doesn't trust it will last. Then again, that's how I see it.

JR

[MrBond]

Can you go out to where they are and spend more time with them? Maybe she needs to feel "safe" around you once more. This involves trust issues.

[JR09]

I've driven the 900 miles 3 times in 2 years to be in their area. We 'd usually find a hotel and spend time there together. My W doesn't want me to come near her parents' home where she's been living for the past 2 years. Other times, my W and I would link up half way and exchange the kids.

I agree it is a "safety" issue. My W probably has her own PTSD symptoms after enduring so much garbage from me. I admit I was to blame for everything. I was glad she had enough courage to leave, and I told her that in her voicemail. Hadn't she had left, I probably would not have made my serious changes.

Now I really try to regain her trust, but I don't know how to do it other than not react to her venom when she used to spew it over the phone. I don't argue anymore on the phone. Little things that used to set me off don't phase me anymore. And if it does, I have learned to control myself and keep my mouth shut.

I always invite my W to come join us with the boys. She never comes. All I can do is invite and not be upset because she declined my offer. No more need to be upset or angry. anger is what drove my W away. I don't, I refuse to be angry. That's how I am today.

My W filed for divorce a year ago but didn't pursue it, so the proceedings were dismissed by the judge. She threatened to refile right after Christmas. It's now JUN and still no refiling. So I try to keep hope alive. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions don't match her words...

JR

[MrBond]

I think you need to somehow spend time with her. Can you swing a transfer? I think you need to be physically by her so that she can see the changes. 2 years is a long time to be so far physically separated from each other. Plus your boys need you.

[JR09]

You are right. You are right. But if W doesn't want to be around me, I don't see how I can do it. I always invite her to join the boys and I when we link up. But she always declines.
The only way she probably gets some info about my changes are thru my boys and what they tell her AND thru my phone contacts with her.

I used to call her every THU, but decided to back off and detach. For some reason, for the past month, she's actually called me twice even if she could have easily contacted me by email or text. So far, she did it twice. I remain silent, then she calls. It sounds positive doesn't it?

I don't know anymore. I am quite amazed that I've held on for 2 full years. It's hard. But I am still holding on. Numerous people have told me to move on, but I don't feel that way. I really don't. I believe my W hasn't been challenged in her own thoughts so she is STUCK. Whereas I was forced to change because of the circumstances I suddenly had to face, being alone,with kids and W away.

JR

[MrBond]

Two phone calls in the past month is way too long. You need some face time with her.

How about starting off with a video conference call between you and the boys. Then you can see if you can actually talk to her eye to eye.

When you call her, ask how her day was. When she answers, respond favorably to her as if you were talking to someone you were interested in dating. Act as if you were still together.

[JR09]

When I talk with W on the phone, I always ask her how she is doing, how her parents are doing. Lately she doesn't mind answering at all. She even volunteers information! Our phone interactions have changed quite a bit from her spewing venom to us having very decent albeit short phone chats. I do follow Michelle Weiner-Davis' advice to "Act as If". I keep doing it even if my W doesn't respond favorably.

Anyway, I know I'd love actual face time with W. That would be the pinnacle. One day, maybe...

THANKS so much MrBond for taking the time this evening. Usually Michelle and Healthy Dad respond regularly to my posts for the past year. Thanks for your input.

JR

[MrBond]

Try the video phone calls. I think your boys would love to see you even if it is on a computer screen.

[JR09]

OK, I will try it. I hope the W won't have any objection to this idea...

JR

[MrBond]

Don't be afraid and just do it. Say it's for the boys. Tell her you need to connect with them. It's not about her.