Mila, I so feel for you. I’ve been out GALing and just caught up.
I also watch my H and think he’s just not attractive to me anymore. If I really look hard, he’s got very handsome features, but somehow they just aren’t pulled together in an attractive way anymore. He used to have a sparkle in his eye, dimples that were adorable. One woman at work once called him wholesome. He was boyishly good looking and just looked like a nice, sweet man. No more. He just looks different, older, harder, more like he’s been carved from stone. It’s hard, isn’t it? I was also with H everywhere we went, we were best friends and did everything together. It helps to detach a little when they are not that attractive, but the flip side is that it’s so hard to look and see the love and feel the compassion when you feel mild disgust when looking at them. It’s so hard to balance it and separate the person from the actions.
I feel the same way you do. Sometimes I think perhaps they will just stay together and live happily ever after. It doesn’t help, does it, that the statistics say it’s highly unlikely that the affair will last? Or that if it does last, that the marriage that results from it will last? I think to myself on average 2% of affairs make it to marriages and of those 75% end in divorce… but how long do those marriages last? They never say that, do they? Will these affairs end but it takes 10 years?
It just hurts and we’re all hurting and we are all here for you also.
It’s also not fair about the yardwork on top of all the rest of what you’re holding together. We as LBS’s have to take care of maintenance on our houses, keep the home clean, shop for groceries, take care of the children’s needs (if there are children), in some cases, take care of a business or rental house, pets, work full time, deal with depression, keep up a front, learn about MLC, read books, go to counseling, GAL, etc. It’s so much and some days you just want to curl up and scream. And add detachment to that list… AHHHHHH!!!! There, I feel better now. Give it a try.
Remember one of the most important lessons I learned… detachment (AND forgiveness, btw) comes in fits and starts. Do not be down on yourself when you think you are detached and then something drags you back in. NOR should you think your detachment wasn’t working. Detachment and forgiveness both have to be practiced. They do not happen like one day you wake up and say hey, I think I’ll be detached today. I know you know about detachment, I’m not lecturing you, I’m just reminding you that you may feel it today, and tomorrow he does something to drag you back. It does NOT mean you were a failure at detaching, it just means that it was not complete. And to be honest, I don’t think we ever want complete detachment.
I say this because I remember several times feeling detached and in my situation it seems to always come right before H does something to really kick me while I’m thinking I’m down. Not saying a bomb is coming in your life, but please be ready for anything. It’s almost like in my life, my H wants me right where he left me and if I move an inch, he kicks me a mile. Your H has the same tendencies.
And Jack you’re so right about tricks. I personally love the pink stiletto idea, but only because I think they’d be cute. I have a filter that I use for everything, every idea I come up with to do. It’s this… will I be comfortable maintaining this xyz for the rest of my life? Is it something I’d do if I had never met H. I find that this way, I do away with the tricks and truly am working on fulfilling myself. And I wind up happier for it.
And as for the dude ranch, my H does similar things to that. When I do something fun for the kids, he has to respond with doing something for them also. It’s like he has to prove that he can also be a fun dad and he doesn’t need me. Of course, what he’s missing is how much more fun and security the kids would have if we all did it together rather than doing it twice.
Glamgirl, another rule I recently came up with re: dressing up when going out is this… I took all my “comfy” clothes (read: ugly) and gave them to charity. Then I bought only nice clothing. That way I have no choice but to always look good. Some of those things are comfortable also, but just dressier looking comfy. Not grey sweats, but cute life guard sweats, that sort of thing. No t-shirts with words and print on them, but I do have t-shirts with lace and cute buttons, etc.
Mila...don't have much to add except I think you are doing great and am happy to hear that your friend is moving back! It sure picked me up the other day to talk with my good friend that I hadn't talked to in quite sometime!
Have a good day!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Wow! That sounds like fun to have your friend come back and stay with you for a while. That should definitely help you keep your mind off of things!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Detachment and forgiveness both have to be practiced
I think it needs to be done one at the time...I'm doing well on detachment this week, but if I had to think about forgiveness right now I would have to go back to the emotional mishmash stored in my brain that I had wrapped and put in a box for the moment . So I think it will all come in time...all the issues have to be dealt with eventually so you can close those boxes permanently and move on.
Received a reply from H Re: Our Vacation Club. He said that yes he wanted to take D. So I gave him the passwords. By questioning this I hope that I've set a boundary that it's OK to use the Club as long as it's for him & D. This is a family asset after all. I will be able to check the account, so he can't hide it from me.
I'm doing great, I'm kind of in moving forward, energetic mood. Getting lots of stuff done that I was procrastinating about. Starting to have some goals and dreams for the future (that don't include H).
My girlfriend coming to live with us gave me a boost and a little bit of a kick in the but, because now I want to do few things in the house before she comes in couple of months.
I'm also moving forward with my Plan B - getting my license back and starting in my old profession again. It's back to school for me...actually I think that these days I can do most of it on line accept for the final exam.
Have a great day everyone
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You sound upbeat and raring to go and change the world. It is so good to hear you so happy at the moment. Your friend was an injection of hope.
Lets hope your H understood about not taking OW to the holiday apartment.
My H is off to a place at the weekend where we spent many years on holiday and even went there for our honeymoon 23 years ago now! H probably hasn't even given it a thought.
Had a business meeting with H at Starbucks. I had another meeting downtown after, so I came dressed in a classy business/sexy outfit, high heel pumps and all. As I was getting my coffee I've noticed that H was checking me out...ha.
Anyway the meeting went really well, I was all business but upbeat and optimistic. I'm so detached it's almost scary. I really truly didn't feel any emotions towards him....just related to him as to my business partner.
He on the other hand looked down and unhappy again, as the meeting went on he got little bit more animated....but overall didn't look that good. But again he may be like that just when I'm around....who knows.
OW's H told me that his W has been on antidepressants since February and apparently they are not working. She sleeps all the time...during the day, is always tired and spends hours on the couch "resting". So all is not well with her.
I'm just journaling and observing...like watching a show and reporting on it.
Love being detached...very empowering when you feel that you are in control
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
. So I think it will all come in time...all the issues have to be dealt with eventually so you can close those boxes permanently and move on.