My WW of 16 years gave me the ILYBINILWY speech three months ago. A couple of days later through cell phone records I discovered that she was texting OM hundreds of texts daily, after everyone was asleep.
After asking WW to end contact with OM and her subsequent refusal, I exposed the A to: OM's wife, OM's family/friends, WW friends, My family, and WW's father. After two walkout separations on my part I'm back in our house and have been for over a month.
WW refuses to end contact with OM still maintaining that it is a "friendship". We are in MC and WW says she is committed to reconciling the M but she still refuses to NC with OM.
We have had many explosions/arguments over the last few months but now we are starting to get along quite nicely.
What should my next step be?
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
1. Stay put in the house. 2. Do some work and find out what is really going on with this man. Call me a pessimist, but I would bet that this thing is physical and is still ongoing. 3. You exposed the affair and now you need to start giving your wife a reason to choose you over the OM. Find out what her needs are and start meeting them. You must be consistent and clear that your marriage has no room for three. She must end contact with OM. 4. Stop arguing with your wife. 5. Cancel her cell phone.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
I know one of her needs is conversation but it seems that she turns to him for conversation instead of me. I pretty much meet her financial, domestics, and family support needs and that's pretty much it.
One of her complaints is that I don't communicate with her so I don't know if I should start a 180 or not.
Whenever I confront her about OM she accuses me of being controlling and that I'm "spying" on her.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/04/1009:50 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
1. Stay put in the house. 2. Do some work and find out what is really going on with this man. Call me a pessimist, but I would bet that this thing is physical and is still ongoing. 3. You exposed the affair and now you need to start giving your wife a reason to choose you over the OM. Find out what her needs are and start meeting them. You must be consistent and clear that your marriage has no room for three. She must end contact with OM. 4. Stop arguing with your wife. 5. Cancel her cell phone.
This. ^
Personally, I would go to only exactly ONE marriage counseling session if my wife were still in contact with OM with whom she's had an affair. And that would be to say -- in front of the MC -- that I had no intention of spending my family's finances (or my time) on MCing if she's still in contact with OM with whom she's had an affair.
Why did you go back home if she was still having contact with OM?
Well she had NC for about 4 days the beginning of the May.In MC the counselor asked me privately if I could concentrate on improving myself and not concentrating on the OM.I agreed but I'm finding it more difficult to carry out that plan with continued contact with OM. WW does suffer from depression/anxiety and has recently switched medications.
WW just wants to live in "peace" and can't we just "BE" and see where that takes us. WW also told me I have the ability to make her "love" me again. Whenever I bring up OM, WW tells me that the jealousy is unhealthy and will make her run away.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
WW just wants to live in "peace" and can't we just "BE" and see where that takes us. WW also told me I have the ability to make her "love" me again. Whenever I bring up OM, WW tells me that the jealousy is unhealthy and will make her run away.
Well, just yapping about OM is about pointless. You aren't going to invent a new argument that is so convincing that everybody else who has been where you are hasn't already tried and suddenly convince her to change her mind.
What she is doing reflects poor character (she is cake eating) and poor choices, and it is disrespectful to you, your marriage and your family.
Only you know how long or how much you are willing to tollerate, and I am not going to try to tell you what to do. Many of us have been there. It sucks.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Just looking for what my next step should be...do I start a 180 or LRT...
Also need to mention that we have 2 DD's 8 & 10.
Yes, WW is completely cake eating and I'm not willing to tolerate her lack of respect much longer. This has been going on for about 6 months although D-Day was three months ago.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/05/1002:26 AM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
