Yesterday was my birthday and WW was driving back from FIL's out of state. WW texted me "Happy Birthday" arrived home a few hours later...no birthday hug, NOTHING!
Family came up...I was busy cooking...had cake...exchanged presents...family went home. WW was upset because the house wasn't clean enough for her and why couldn't I clean because there were two adults here (My mom stayed to help while WW was out of town)...gee, I don't know maybe because I'm at work 8 hours a day and my mom volunteers at our DD's school. I digress.
Going upstairs I try to rub her shoulders...she shrugs me off.
I ask If I can sit down next to her on the bed and agrees as long as I don't touch her and WW reminded me that was a request in MC. This is the point I got my mojo...I replied and you haven't honored my request either (NC with OM). I informed her that it is either this family or OM. I then gave her a letter that I came across on this site which says:
"I love you very much but I can't in good conscience continue to permit what you are doing to me, our marriage & our family. You must choose between him or me, no more waiting, no more testing the waters, trying to determine what the better choice is. You make a choice and live with it. We're adults and we're responsible for our actions, our decisions, that's how we live life but holding on to me & him is disrespectful of me. If the OM is that important to you and you can't decide to choose him or me I will make the decision for you and let you go and move on with my life. I won't compete with the OM for your love. If you can't see that I was always and will always be the better choice, it is your loss not mine and I respect myself enough to let go of the people in my life that don't value me or the relationship they have with me. You are practically dating another man while still being married to me and even if you can rationalize that behavior as being ok and label it as trying to discover yourself I won't do the same because I respect myself to much to allow you to continue hurting me."
WW accused me of trying to control her and that she is "not a child" and I'm "not her father". I gave her a copy of an NC letter and told her It's either our family or OM.
Getting ready for bed she asked that I brush/floss in the other bathroom and I said "No, I'll floss in my bathroom" to which she stormed in and tried to physically push me out of the bathroom and threw a toothbrush down. She said "do I need to call the police" I shrugged and said "I'm just flossing my teeth" then she stormed downstairs with both DD's who were in our room at the time.
I told DD's that no matter what happens between mommy and daddy, we both love them very much. WW said that I scared one of my DD's so I asked DD what she was scared of and she said "I don't know" I asked are you scared that mommy and daddy my not be together anymore and she said "yes" and again I told her that mommy and daddy love her very much and that will never end.
Also noticed this morning that the shirt that WW got me for my birthday was not longer hanging in the closet...Last night I did thank WW for coming home early to celebrate my birthday and for the gift.
Just checked cell phone records and WW texted POSOM a few times yseterday...her husbands birthday...I guess waywards have no shame do they?
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/07/1001:53 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Nicely done. Good job sticking up for yourself, and calmly, too!
Not sure why you tried the "shoulder rub" thing though, with someone who is cheating on you and lying about it, but other than that, I thought you handled it all real well.
Go read Allen A's posts about how to present the choice. It's not you or OM; it's destroying your family vs. working to save your family.
Go read Allen A's posts about how to present the choice. It's not you or OM; it's destroying your family vs. working to save your family. Puppy
Thanks Puppy...I realized that the choice is between our family and OM...so towards the end of the evening I reiterated that fact many times "It's either our family or OM...your choice". Of course she viewed that as an ultimatum to which I reminded her that she is here of her free will and there is nothing stopping her from leaving...the door is open and the choice is hers.
When WW expressed her displeasure at my actions over the last two months (how awful of me to want her to commit to our marriage and end her EA..shame on me!) to which I replied "my actions are designed to save this family and keep it together"
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/07/1002:25 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Go read Allen A's posts about how to present the choice. It's not you or OM; it's destroying your family vs. working to save your family. Puppy
Thanks Puppy...I realized that the choice is between our family and OM...so towards the end of the evening I reiterated that fact many times "It's either our family or OM...your choice".
No, that's NOT how you want to position it -- that's my point. Allen explains it much better than I can, but if you make this "me or the OM," you will lose that bet every time.
Found it...the choice is to rebuild our family or destroy our family.
At one point last night I did tell WW that she can NC with OM and stay in MC to rebuild our family and marriage or she can destroy our family with continued contact with OM...your choice.
Both DD's slept in our bedroom with WW...don't know what to make of that.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/07/1002:39 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
