Tell her she's already given you her answer, as far as you're concerned, and that you have some things you need to take care of, and you'll be back in touch. If she presses you for details, tell her "Frankly, I don't think you're really in a position to be making demands of me . . . do you?"
After reading some of Allen's well-thought-out stuff (much of it from Penny Tupy), I don't necessarily have a problem with a betrayed spouse moving out SO LONG AS IT'S NOT AT THE REQUEST (OR DEMAND) OF THE CHEATING SPOUSE. He's written some good posts about the strong emotional statement that can be made by removing yourself, your kids, and both yours and your kids's belongings from the marital home, and leaving the cheating spous there in a quiet, half-empty house, all to themselves.
But other than that very specific tactic, I would advise against it.
MC tells me that by me showing WW the NC letter that I'm pushing WW away instead of pulling WW back to me.
Here's the thing: The time to ask a wayward spouse to write a no-contact letter is one of two situations:
1) They are contrite, and seemingly sincere, and asking YOU what it's going to take for you to take them back to work on the marriage; or
2) When they are CLAIMING that they are ending all contact, and you suspect they are being less than truthful, OR, you think they're sincere but might be WEAK, due to the highly addictive nature of the affair.
When it's categorically NOT used, is as a weapon to GIVE them a task to do. They have to be ready to come back.
WW also told me I have the ability to make her "love" me again.
I don't know if you find that encouraging or not, but what she told you is a lot more than most LBH's get. Most WAW's feel "done" and that they will never feel in-love with H again.
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Whenever I bring up OM, WW tells me that the jealousy is unhealthy and will make her run away.
You must stop talking about OM. That is not to imply that you accept things as they are now. That is where boundaries come into play (more about that in a moment).
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I'm the sole source of steady income...WW is self employed and in the process of launching a business.
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then again I look like the bad guy for her not being able to get her business off the ground.
First, you must not worry about people seeing you as a bad guy. B/c you must apply tough love to your M and to heck with what others think of you. Your WAW has to suffer something to shake her awake. You can start with cutting off all finances that enable her A with OM. If "she" wants to fork it over, then you find another way that she has to finance her own stuff.
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Again, she always tries to put at back on me as "do what you need to do"...
She is bluffing you b/c she doesn't think you have the b@lls to do what you need to do.
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All right...sent WW a couple of texts this morning and got "you are smothering me"...but that's my way of letting her know that I'm here so she knows that she can come to me rather than go to OM.
Will you please take what I say, as a former WAW? This technique that you are doing does not work with her. It has the very opposite affect. It is the biggest turn-off to her. I will be even more blunt and say that she does not want you there for her. She "had rather" go to OM any day of the week before going to you. You are smothering her. So, rule #1......back off. No contact with W unless it is an emergency....okay?
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I need to find balance and consistency between letting her know that I'm here but not being clingy
I don't believe this is about "balance",but rather "protection". Being a leader of your family is what you should do.....that is honorable. But, while she is in this A with OM, you have to allow her to suffer the consequences and don't shield her from it. I think that is a lot of what you're doing.
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Perhaps go dark (detach/GAL) until tomorrow?
Well, I don't think a person can go dark unless they never see their S, but you can detach emotionally & remove yourself as much as possible while you GAL. You can detach even while living in the same house.
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I'm consistent in letting WW know that NC with OM is a boundary that I have set for our M.
By "consistent" do you mean that you consistently remind her? Don't you think telling her one time, then applying the consequences if necessary, should be enough? That's MHO.
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Look up Coach's old thread about Boundaries.
Here is the thread about boundaries, in case you couldn't find it:
So the consequence for continued contact with OM should be she moves out of the house or I move out and go dark?
That is what some would do, but you need to know what you can live with and what you can't. What consequences could you enforce if she did not respect those boundaries? Are you willing to live in an open M? Do you have what it takes to pack her things up and move her out--while you and the kids stay in the home? It's things like that you have to consider. Just make sure you can stick to your decision b/c if you don't, then nothing you say will ever have impact again.
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Yesterday was my birthday and WW was driving back from FIL's out of state. WW texted me "Happy Birthday" arrived home a few hours later...no birthday hug, NOTHING! [i](You were expecting it???)[/i]
Family came up...I was busy cooking...had cake...exchanged presents...family went home. WW was upset because the house wasn't clean enough for her and why couldn't I clean because there were two adults here (My mom stayed to help while WW was out of town)...gee, I don't know maybe because I'm at work 8 hours a day and my mom volunteers at our DD's school. I digress.
Going upstairs I try to rub her shoulders...she shrugs me off.
I ask If I can sit down next to her on the bed and agrees as long as I don't touch her
Dear Lord! To a WAW (or even a normal woman) this would be enough to want to run and never look back! Do you see a strong, sexy man in this picture? I sure don't.....and neither did she! Clingy,needy, milky, desparate,weak....weak.....weak. How can she respect you when you don't even respect yourself? If you don't understand what I'm talking about, I'll be glad to point it out.
I don't agree with handing her a letter when you need to be man enough to tell your W how the cow ate the cabbage!
But later, when you were brushing your teeth.....well maybe you started showing a little hair on your chest.
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...Last night I did thank WW for coming home early to celebrate my birthday and for the gift.
Oh Please! I hope that wasn't after the flossing. Besides, do you really think she gave a donkey's tail flip about your birthday?
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Just checked cell phone records and WW texted POSOM a few times yseterday...her husbands birthday...I guess waywards have no shame do they?
No they don't!
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Both DD's slept in our bedroom with WW...don't know what to make of that.
Honestly?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
