Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

[fisherman]

Contact your mortgage company and ask them to provide you with proof of exactly who holds the note on your home. You would be amazed at how long that can take since selling them to other companies is fairly common.


All you're saying is "ok you're forcing me to leave, then prove that you own it.

Google - produce the note - you might be surprised. It sounds like it's worked for others.

[AJM]

So, I am anxious to visit with them and see what they have to say about our new crisis and h avoiding me.

Uh oh. Hanging out with family won't be a pleasant thing in most cases. They can't do anything either. Nobody but your H can. Really.

I can tell you from experience that living with your spouse in the same house is no easier, having done both through this. Your spouse is the equivalent of a red rubber ball at this point. Everything bounces off of them and then ricochets all over the place. They actively try to hurt you. They say really mean and ugly things. In short, they try very hard to be 180 degrees out of phase with you. It tires them out, yet they continue to do so. It's part of the reason, in my opinion, why they try to distance themselves and yet don't let you go. The distance gives them rest. Hard to believe that one day they don't, and then the next they run as far away as they can. But it just is, right?

Saying all of that, how did your meeting with the family go?

AJ

[covenantkeeper]

My weekend went pretty well. My mil started being sugary sweet and faking everything with me. So sweet I was wanting to hurl! LOL!

Where they all live is a little unusual. Originally the grandparent's property consisted of about 5 lots. They gave each boy a lot to build a house on. His brothers built houses right next to each other. Our lot was on the other side of the grandparents, but we never took it. His parents live directly behind them. His grandparents died, but his aunt who never married still lives in the old house. You would think with everyone living so close, that they would be a close knit family, but they hardly ever talk.

So, the graduation party was in the backyard. His other brother was not there, so that alleviated a lot of tension. His step-father gave me a tight hug and told me he loved me. His aunt was only there for a few minutes and she never spoke to me. His other aunt and uncle simply said hi to me. She did ask my daughter how she was and d's reply was pretty good considering the circumstances. The aunt said well, it's their divorce, you'll be ok, to which my d replied, you have no idea what is really going on. It's not just a simple divorce.

When I saw my mil walking towards her house, I asked if I could speak with her. I talked to her for about 2 1/2-3 hours. Probably the longest anyone in her life has ever talked to her in depth about anything. She is the most shallow, superficial person I have ever met! All of a sudden, I realized where my h learned his behavior. She told me she knew nothing about our issues. I said, if you don't know anything, then why did you all dump me as soon as you heard? We are not divorced; we're still married, but you and most of the others act as if I'm already gone. Her reply was that h said he filed, so she figured I was out of the picture. I said, well you didn't bother to ask any questions, either.

She told me h never said a thing to her re details. He simply said he filed. I'm sorry, but I didn't and still don't believe her. She asked me how I would feel if it was my d who had done this and her husband had come to talk to me. I told her that while I would love my d forever, I would let her exactly how I felt. Whether or not she listened to me wouldn't matter, but as her mother I would still give her my advice. I told her that we continue to be parents even though our kids become adults. She said she didn't want to be involved. I said, no it sounds more like you just don't to be bothered. Because then you would have to face the facts that your kids aren't perfect. You can continue to hide your head in the sand and pretend your life is perfect. I said it's fairly obvious you have never taught them much about right and wrong. You're condoning his behavior and putting your stamp of approval on it.

I also shared with her everything my h had told me about his first 5 yrs. of life with his real father. Her version was really different from what my h has always told me. I told her that could possibly be because he saw it from a child's perspective or she was in denial of the facts. I also asked her what she did at that time, and she admitted to me for the first time that she drank heavily. To the point of it causing her problems at work. I said, so you really weren't paying much attention to how h was dealing with everything, were you? She just glared at me. I reminded her that my father was an alcoholic, but he quit drinking when I was 13. I don't have any of these issues because he taught me right from wrong and never abused me. She tried to tell me h is acting the way he is because he got married too young. (He was 19 and just finished his freshmen year in college, where I met him. I'm 4 yrs. older than him.)She then said everyone of her boys got married too young....the other 2 straight out of high school. I said maybe there's a reason for that.

Talking with his other brother was very helpful. He actually told me the same things everyone else has. But this time it was his brother telling me and it hit me differently. He told me to stop worrying about h; about how he will survive financially after the big d and how he is so depressed right now. He said you didn't file, he did. You didn't leave, he did. You aren't the one not following scripture, he is. He knows right from wrong, he knows the Bible and knows he is doing you wrong. After 33 years together, what betrayal you must feel. He said "I love my brother, but he's made bad decisions, and continues to hurt you and strike out at you." He told me to leave him alone and give him a taste of what it's like without me. He admitted that this was not a simple divorce and he says he knows h is out there in his own little world somewhere. He told me to let him crash. I asked him how he could even say things like that about his own brother. He told me because talking to him gets us nowhere. He has to learn this lesson the hard way.

He told me h had actually gone up there to visit another time I wasn't aware of, but he said he was only there for about 2 hours. He told me not to be upset about that because "our parents are shallow, selfish people who don't talk about anything substantial in anyone's life." He said h could come up there, be surrounded by family and get the fake support he's looking for without having to face reality. When I told him I thought that was the epitome of a dysfunctional family, he replied "YOU THINK?!!!"

So, it was a good thing for me to go there to at least see his one brother and his family. They treated us like they always have....with love. I appreciated their support more than they ever know. I'm sure my mil has written me off for life now, but again, not going to lose any sleep over that. When she started yelling at me, the only thought that went through my mind was I'm 56 yrs. old, been with this man for 33 years and I can stand up for myself and not let this woman intimidate me. I was not mean to her, but I finally stood up for myself. And that felt good.

Now as for the letting him go part, I will have to go back and re-read all of the resources again. This is the hardest part for me and I have to get it. I have to move on.

[AJM]

He told me because talking to him gets us nowhere. He has to learn this lesson the hard way.

Yep. This is his lesson. You may very well have done nothing wrong. Nothing that deserves this kind of "punishment". I call it that, but then again, it's too early to see if you are the lucky one or not. You'll see what I mean later in the process. You'll have to trust me on that for now.

Your BIL is correct. The rest of it? There will come a time when the reasons no longer matter except to help you gain perspective and understand this is not about you. For starters, try not to guess what H knows or doesn't know or what he thinks. His thoughts are likely so ambivalent and confused, that even he may not know at any given moment. Your BIL was right that you cannot talk to him. You can throw words at him, but they will bounce away in a perverted version of a ricochet that will not help.

Keep in mind that anger is not a bad thing. Even aimed at your husband or MIL. It helps you. And that is not a trivial thing. Just don't go over the top, and don't do it for the wrong reasons. And whatever you do, don't get stuck angry. Work through it.

God's plans are mysterious. His time is never imperfect. Our task is to be patient and faithful. The rest will take care of itself in ways we cannot see at this point in time. The time is always now, never tomorrow or yesterday. Focus on today and focus on you and Daughter. Let H worry about himself because that's the only way through this for anyone involved.

AJ