you are a person of strong faith so keep turning to it. remember that God is watching...you and your H both. focus on you since and keep up your good character since it's between you and God anyways. all you said was good about moving forward...pick yourself up, stay strong and really believe that God has something better for you. we have darkness to see the light...trials so we can cherish the joy...there will be good days to come, God-willing.
Amen pandora! CK, I sometimes wondered if my stbx was checking to see where things stood. It came across that way sometimes. Like a child that wants to leave home but not go so far that they can't be home by dinner. Odd I know, but it came across that way. Even this last week she did that. Who knows why? But started texting me where she was going to be. Weird.
Anyway, keep up the good PMA. You can't make it go any faster, so hang in there and remember to do things for you.
How's the job front? Speaking of which.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I understand how painful this all is for you. As I read through your situation, I wanted to offer some perspective to you from someone on the outside looking in.
Your recent incident where you decided to take the mail and books over to your H is something to learn from. He told you not to come over and you found a way to do it anyway. You also said in your post that it would be a bonus if he talked to you. It may sound like I'm being hard on you, but you set yourself up emotionally for that and you just can't do that to YOURSELF.
I have the same faith perspective you do. You are saying that God is teaching you patience. Exercise a little more of it. Don't look for a reason to go over there and hope for the "bonus" of an interaction with him. It won't (and didn't) turn out well.
Actually I said all of this to myself on my drive home that day. I had convinced myself that I was only giving him his books, but I had to admit that I wanted to see him and I was hoping to be able to talk to him. No, it didn't turn out well, But, perhaps it was exactly what I needed.
This is the first time since bomb drop that I have felt so low. In months past, h talked to me and I got to see him and we went out together. Now, he's in a stage where I know I have to stay away and have no contact whatsoever. And, that's pretty depressing. I know every stage h goes through is another one I have to go through as an LBS. So, I guess I need to brush up on those stages again and learn some more for myself. I know I'll get better, but right now I'm pretty depressed about the whole situation. I'm just weary.
I talked to one of my sons on Monday and told him what had happened and I also asked him if he's heard from his dad. He said h sent him a text message that morning just asking him how he was doing. I asked him if he would be willing to go see him and he said no, he didn't want to get involved. Which is just as well I guess, since I that would be me manipulating h into seeking counseling. I know he has to make that decision for himself.
I feel like I'm standing on a bank where railroad tracks are on a curve. I can see my h lying down on the tracks and I can also see a train speeding towards him from the other direction. I yell out to him, but he ignores me. I turn around and there are family members and friends standing behind me. I plead with them to help him! Some tell me h needs to make his own decisions and if he can't listen, so be it. And the others tell me they don't even see the train. I am helpless standing there watching the train speed closer and closer. It's a nightmare and I am petrified at the outcome.
I know this must be how all LBSers feel at some point in this MLC journey we're on. Most days I can suppress the panic and anxiety that rises up in me. But, I confess I've had a hard time the last few days. And, yes I take the blame for all of that happening. I am my own worst enemy.
The job search isn't going very well. I've had a couple of leads that didn't pan out at all. That also contributes to me feeling low. But, I'll just keep looking and praying that God will open up a door for me. I've always felt in the past that every job I had God put me there for a reason. I want this next one to be the same. Yes, I need a job where I can make enough money to support myself and get benefits, but it's more important to me to be in a position where God can use me.
CK, I think you are right - you are going through exactly what a lot have gone through. Doesn't make it better, but know you are not alone. Try to stay away from getting other family members involved. It will not work out well. I've had the same dream in the past. Very similar. But I have come to realize its because I have a ringside seat to the train wreck. What comes across to me in your posts is that your H has a lot of fixing of himself to do. That will take a lot of time. Him reaching out to the kids is not a bad thing. They need that and so does he. If you get them involved, that will short-circuit the relationship he has with them - that would not be fair to the kids.
About you - Some believe that depression is the result of repressed anger. Ya think? I can see some of that being true. Find a way to safely let that anger out. Laughter is a great medicine. Exercise. Yelling at pillows. Etc. Try them and see what works. Make new friends. Get out even if for inexpensive walks in the local park. Explore.
The future - try to imagine it being really good. Do so without imagining H impacting it. If he is there later, it will be a delightful surprise. But imagine YOU happy. Practice that and your attitude will change drastically. Really. This is a long journey and it will take much time and you may be so wound up with anger by the time it starts to wind down that you can't take advantage of that. I've seen that happen many times in similar situations. Be careful it doesn't happen to you by taking care of you. You deserve to be the focus of your attention. And if you do focus on the positives, you will begin to change everything....
Keep at it. It'll seem awkward for a little while but it gets to be more realistic. And don't be surprised if H gets in your head from time to time. Just keep focus on you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I understand the near paralyzing depression, which will include some feeling sorry for yourself (at least mine does).
I want to offer a challenge to you in your thought about the importance of being in a job where God can use you. There are VERY few jobs where he can't use you. You see, one of our purposes here is to be in fellowship with others to have an influence on them. Sometimes this influence is unspoken, it's in our actions and our character.
Regarding looking for a job, if you are a Bible reader, read Exodus 35:31-35. It will give you encouragement that all different kinds of jobs are pleasing to God.
The way you are feeling is absolutely NORMAL. In fact, I'd say you are doing pretty well.
Actually I said all of this to myself on my drive home that day. I had convinced myself that I was only giving him his books, but I had to admit that I wanted to see him and I was hoping to be able to talk to him. No, it didn't turn out well, But, perhaps it was exactly what I needed.
Remember this and don't make the same mistake again. This is exactly what I was thinking.
What if you don't send him the electric bill? Can you set it up to automatically deduct from his account?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My sister called me today and mentioned that she saw in the newspaper on Friday that my house was listed in the foreclosure section. They have to list it for 3 weeks and then the sheriff's auction is July 8th. To say that I am devastated is an understatement! I am still on unemployment so any hope that I could even find a place to live is pretty much out the window. I've been applying online for jobs, but I've never heard back from anyone. Plus, my car is still broken down. I don't even have the money to get it fixed. You need a working car to find a job.
I'm feeling pretty low and depressed right now. And I'm fighting to not let the old me rise up in anger towards my husband. Although, right now I think he deserves a major thrashing!!
Losing the home that we had built brand new is more than I can take. We have lived here for 11 years. And I have 2 pet dogs buried in the backyard. They are underneath the trees and I have worked for years to get ivy to cover the area. This is the first year it's finally doing that. The grass that I have planted, fertilized and fussed over looks better than it ever has before! My rose bushes are blooming, the lilies look wonderful. My lavender plants are full and smell great. I love working in the my yard and garden. And I'm going to lose it all if a miracle doesn't happen.
The funny thing is that I was invited to graduation parties for my 2 nieces on my husband's side of the family. The family that wasn't even speaking to me before has now all of a sudden been concerned about me and has invited me to their home next weekend. Of course, if I can't get the car fixed, it won't matter.
I have always been a person that has hope until the last minute, so I am going to hang on to that. Besides, I can't be asking God for a miracle if I don't believe He can do it!
So, I'd appreciate all of your prayers. I need all the help I can get.
Consider the prayers a done deal. What kind of work are you looking for? What part of the country are you in?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
