"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Listen, listen & listen Validate, validate & validate Don't blame Don't make him feel guilty Don't inserts your famous sarcastic one-liners Don't cry Don't try to solve R Don't let him suck you in Don't reason...it's a no win
Great list, the last one is so true!!!
Good Luck!!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Listen, listen & listen Validate, validate & validate Don't blame Don't make him feel guilty Don't inserts your famous sarcastic one-liners Don't cry Don't try to solve R Don't let him suck you in Don't reason...it's a no win
Those are so good I'm putting them on a cue card for when I'm dealing with H!!!
Thanks Mila!!
Good luck with the C session...
(((Hugs)))
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
It was not a positive session. H brought up divorce 2x and wants to start on separation agreement.
I was quiet and listened for him to present his issues...
He felt that I'm not communicating with him about D. Doesn't like that I don't call him and tell him what she is up to.
I said that D is old enough that he can call her and ask her about her day.
He thinks that I'm not accepting the reality of the situation...and still hope that this is just an affair and will blow over and he will come back. It is not and they love each other and want to be together and want to divorce to do that.
I said that I understand how he feels and that I have accepted the reality after the last false R.
Doesn't like that I told OW's H that he is in MLC. Because it's not true.
I said that I'm sorry, I only told him my opinion.
He resents that I don't want him to come to the house and work on the yard when I'm not there, I'm not being reasonable about it. That it's crazy that I would not trust him in that, he would never go into my office or my bedroom.
I said that he is welcome to come while I'm there, but I would like to keep it that way.
He wants me to communicate with him (text) while he is with OW, because that's how it's going to be, she will be here or he will be there. And we can't do business otherwise.
I said that I will reply to what is necessary as I did all along, so business doesn't suffer.
I only looked at and addressed the counselor, it was easier for me to keep it together that way. I don't think we looked at each other once.
He was cold, determined, no emotion in sight.
The councilor asked him what he imagines our relationship to be like now, he said "I guess I understand that we can't be friends" I said that it's really sad that after a lifetime together we ended up like this. H said yes it's sad.
I said that only 5 weeks ago he wanted to R and we didn't have problems communicating then. The C asked "Is that true, did you want to come back?" H was scrambling for answer and came up with "Only for few days"
Oh yes and he kept using OW's name (trying to legitimize her), after taking it for a while I finally said not to please use her name...
There was more back and forth, I don't recall everything now. At the end the councilor said that it looks like the bond in our relationship is broken, and it would be best if we didn't talk about emotional issues for now and only communicated via e-mail.
As we were leaving I was walking first and got all the way to the elevator and was assuming that he was right behind me, he wasn't. So we didn't even say bye to each other.
Was the session helpful? IMO it wasn't, the opposite....
Tomorrow business meeting with H at Starbucks....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, I'm sorry. That must have been so hard. It sounds like you handled yourself really well, though, and you should be very proud of that. Have a glass of wine, a nice dinner, and relax and recharge tonight. Do you have plans for the weekend yet?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
So sorry Mila....I have followed a D/B'er and just to let you know the SOULMATE that her husband left her for lasted a couple of yrs......and the SOULMATES are no longer together OMG they loved each other so much but in the end it all died a slow death.....karma baby karma....one day this will be your husband and mine.....but WE might not be there for them. maybe this might just help your pain.......
I agree that you should do something VERY nice for yourself right now. You acted with integrity. Hold your head high. You are doing a very courageous thing ---- you are not walking away from your H now, in his MLC, any more than you would walk away from him if he had a terminal illness, or dementia. Your D is watching. You are setting a WONDERFUL example for her.
Clearly, things are not rosy in ow's world. Step aside for now and let H get his fill of her depression and mood swings. I can tell from your posts that you have a gift for making people feel special. Whenever you respond to posts, you direct your comments specifically to each individual's comment and make us all feel special. I imagine that you did that for your H for more than 36 years. I doubt very much that ow does that.....or even has the ability go do that over the long term. H will figure that out at some point, and when he does, he will regret his actions. In my case, I think that my XH is FINALLY realizing, 6 months post-divorce, that I am not the source of unhappiness he imagined me to be (XH and I played table tennis for 2 hours tonight and he accepted my invitation to go kayaking sometime soon). Continue to conduct yourself with the integrity and class that you have always shown. Your H will see the light at some point and you will have peace that you conducted yourself with grace and integrity. This will be a more powerful lesson for your daughter than words could convey.
I know that you feel down after this session today. Many of us have been there and understand......but there is a BIG positive coming from today's C session. That is that there were no BIG surprises. When H asked for a counseling session, we all wondered if he had some kind of bomb to drop in the session. It sounds like he did not. So that is a BIG positive.
Onward Mila. We are all here for you sending positive thoughts your way.
Mila, wow, tough day. I agree with GAG that you really handled yourself with integrity and class, and you did great. He is in MLC, because people normally do not act this way!!! Don't know what else to add, just ((hugs)). - SCh.
You can do it!