Newbie.Trying with faith and hope to save marriage

[gucci loafer]

Yes, you ARE in a panic mode.

We've been together since I was 18. Married only 2.5 years. Pregnancy is not "fake" if that is what you are implying. I have no idea why God decided to add this blessing at this time. He is free to demand DNA test or call my ob if he wants.

Yes, that is what I am implying. I guess you don't seem to see the reason that not only myself, but a man who wants out would see it that way huh? I have been doing this a long time and people lie to those on this site who are trying to help all the time. You don't see that a man in his situation would question this? Women have done this since the beginning of time when losing a man. You will get much further with him if you let him know that you can understand why he would question whether you are doing this just to get him back instead of acting angry at him for questioning you. This is why I brought up the rewriting history. You told him you weren't in love with him for quite some time and now you say you are sorry and was wrong. What about how HE feels? Your track record seems to me show that you change your mind and say things you do or don't mean quite often.

[Onthemountaintop]

Some people in al anon have told me that some spouses do feel very betrayed and do say things like what I said.

Sorry - what I meant was short, sweet, and accepting that your choices may have helped him choose his. A 9 page letter is an essay in love, not a directed apology and acceptance of his (poor?) decision to consider leaving.

[papayachic]

Yes, that is what I am implying. I guess you don't seem to see the reason that not only myself, but a man who wants out would see it that way huh? I have been doing this a long time and people lie to those on this site who are trying to help all the time. You don't see that a man in his situation would question this? Women have done this since the beginning of time when losing a man. You will get much further with him if you let him know that you can understand why he would question whether you are doing this just to get him back instead of acting angry at him for questioning you. This is why I brought up the rewriting history. You told him you weren't in love with him for quite some time and now you say you are sorry and was wrong. What about how HE feels? Your track record seems to me show that you change your mind and say things you do or don't mean quite often.

Yes I do see how you can think that or any other man can think that BUT I am having a baby. There is no lie about that. Whether some people choose to believe it or not on this site it is up to them. I did not tell him to trap him but he should know. I will not ask him for a dime. He has the choice to never see the baby and not recognize it. I am not begging for him to be the father.I did not act angry at all to him when he questioned my motives.

Yes, I made that mistake and told him that a few times. What does he feel? Well he feels that he doesn't love me anymore. So, because of what I said to him in times of despair and anger during his course of painkiller addiction, I should just give up? Do I have no chance to bust my divorce?

I would like your male perspective.

[MrBond]

You've got a chance, but I've got a feeling he's got to get over his addictions first.

If you don't he'll end up going on with someone else.

[timehealsall]

Yes, you ARE in a panic mode.

We've been together since I was 18. Married only 2.5 years. Pregnancy is not "fake" if that is what you are implying. I have no idea why God decided to add this blessing at this time. He is free to demand DNA test or call my ob if he wants.

Yes, that is what I am implying. I guess you don't seem to see the reason that not only myself, but a man who wants out would see it that way huh? I have been doing this a long time and people lie to those on this site who are trying to help all the time. You don't see that a man in his situation would question this? Women have done this since the beginning of time when losing a man. You will get much further with him if you let him know that you can understand why he would question whether you are doing this just to get him back instead of acting angry at him for questioning you. This is why I brought up the rewriting history. You told him you weren't in love with him for quite some time and now you say you are sorry and was wrong. What about how HE feels? Your track record seems to me show that you change your mind and say things you do or don't mean quite often.

This here ^^^ is a perfect reason why you should always take any advice you get with a grain of salt. No one knows your sitch but you. Leaving one piece to a story can derail the type of advice you'll get or you'll be called out a liar as in this case.

I feel horrible that PC should be told that she is faking this. I KNOW HER IN REAL LIFE and I told her about this site because it has been such a wonderful source of support for me that i hope It''d do the same for her.

I can tell you for a fact that she is pregnant. Gucci loafer, I appreciate your input on the thread and think you're right about some of the things you shed light on. But to imply that she is faking was hurtful.

[MrBond]

gucciloafer,

That was pretty cold assuming she's lying about the pregnancy. Sounds like you owe her an apology.

[papayachic]

Some people in al anon have told me that some spouses do feel very betrayed and do say things like what I said.

Sorry - what I meant was short, sweet, and accepting that your choices may have helped him choose his. A 9 page letter is an essay in love, not a directed apology and acceptance of his (poor?) decision to consider leaving.

ONMT you were correct about this! DB coach told me to do this

Last Thursday I spoke with DB Jody. She went through our dating and married life. She told me what he told me when we would fight. Told me he felt "controlled", "ashamed", "emasculated".....everything he would tell me. She told me I was the WAS for a long time. Also told me about the crying and pleading beforehand and 9 page letter was pursuing. Which I knew already. The short convos are good BUT I should be answering his calls.
He wants a divorce because he has and wants his "pride back". I need to show him the old me. Not the "bitch' that does not answer. I need to be friendly, ask him "ok...anything else, etc..."

Basically I have three steps for Stage 1
1)Let him know that I "get it" I understand what he was trying to tell me. I acknowledge what I was. She told me word for word what to write to him in a short 3 paragraph letter and to mail it to him. Not pursuing but acknowledging , dropping the rope, and letting him know he'll be a great father because he has "a lot to contribute"

2) Give him space. He has OW. There is nothing I can do about it. I have to show him how attractive I can be through our phone calls.

3) Work on own happiness. Continue therapy, going to church, GAL'ing, etc....


Because I sent him text Tuesday and found resume on cd and emailed him, she told me to call him back. I did. I don't know how it went. I don't know.


This was Thursday
Him- Hey
Me- Hey how are you?
Him- Good
Me- Good. Just calling to let you know I emailed you your resume. I know you don't check your email that often.
Him-It's alright. Spoke to friend. He emailed me his
Me- o ok. Just letting you know I did as well. You also have mail here I will mail up
Him- ok..I still didn't get credit card (effin credit card drama won't go away) How did you send it
Me- no? I sent it certified like everything else. Let me see if I can find receipt and I'll let you know.
Him- k
Me- How's work up there
Him- still looking
Me- I know..how's farm work though? Horses?
him- it ok
Me- its so hot here. It must be beautiful up there
him- it was cloudy but sun came out 2 hours ago
me- nice well again ok...I'm gonna run
then he interrupted me and said
him- Why are you going around telling people you're pregnant
me- Family have called me. They've known already. You told them and they called me, I told both sides of mine. You know I won't keep secrets. I just want many prayers for baby.
him- what are your motives
me- no motives H. i truly want as many prayers for baby as possible
him- and why are you going around telling you I was "going around with a blonde" who told you that?
me- Well i don't want to fight about that. quite a few people up there told me that
him- That's right. I'm done. I;m done with fighting (meaning done w me. said this angrily)
me- that's great....he interrupted and said
him- that's great? trying to imply i was being sarcastic
me- Yes that's great. We should not fight. Worry about your recovery.Congrats on 100t days of sobriety.
him- thanks
me Well Im going to go.I'll let you know about certified mail. Have a beautiful day.

[papayachic]

He called later that evening and left me a message that "He didn't want to fight but we REALLY needed to talk. To call him as soon as I can bc we need to speak"


I called him the following day and he sensed I was stressed. I told him I was at work but go ahead let's talk. He told me its ok, to go home and rest and to call him back.

I did on Saturday and he called me today. We spoke for an hour. It was painful but I got through it.

[MrBond]

What did he talk to you about? He's looking at placing blame for his unhappiness on you. It's seen in your phone convo. the other day.

[papayachic]

Today's convo where I dropped the rope:


Me- Hello
H- Hey How are you. Can you talk?
Me- Yup I'm good. I can talk

H- Well the fact that I called you on Friday and heard you were stressed and I didn't pursue the convo bc it would have been stressful for you even though I needed to get things out, even though I needed to vent, even though the convo needed to happen, shows me how much I have grown. Shows me how much of a good person I am.

Me- Well thank you. I appreciate that. I was stressed and tired.

H- Did you find certified mail receipt for credit card

Me- No I looked and do not have it. The statement you have should have number for you to call and order new card.

H- eh maybe its there. I haven't stayed there(at farm) since Thursday (that's the day he left me message to call him back and I saw he called his mom and bf for hours). I am somewhere else now till I find out what I'm going to do. Until i wear off my welcome. For having such a large family here, I feel I have nowhere to go. Some places might not want to me to visit there anymore.

Then H went off for about 20 minutes straight. I had to let him talk.(this was jist of it)
He said he has to get this off his chest. Whatever people perceive of him, whatever people are talking or saying or what their beliefs are about him, he can't change their minds. He was up there for 3 months doing well. He was getting happier. He was turning his life around. He found happiness (this killed me bc i know he was referring to whore).And then bomb hit. PEople are now questioning his every move. People are questioning his actions. They are questioning his beliefs. But he has feelings. He can't control his feelings. He had feelings and they were right. He feesl they were right because they were his feelings(talking about loving whore). He was talking to his mom for months and he was telling her he was happy. He was telling her how he wasmoving on and she was happy for him. Now she is questioning him if he's ok. She is questioning him if he's trading addictions(his cousin at the farm must have called her). She is questioning him on everything. That broke his heart. He broke down to her but afterwards he picked himself up and told himself he will NEVER let anyone control him. He will never let anyone hurt him. He won't go back to drug addicted H. He won't go back to that life ( I assume meaning w me). He was going to buy a car. He was contacting dealerships and was going to mail my resume. Unemployment gave him a few problems but he was able to take care of it. He now doesn't have a computer to send out his resume since he's not at cousin's anymore. He is back to square one like 3 months ago. It angers him how he found out how I told people I was pregnant and he had to find out through a text. It angers him the control I have.He was happy and now because of bomb one that I didnt start the divorce and now with pregnancy, he is heartbroken. He had something special and he needs to get it back. He will pick myself up

I let him speak and it killed me.

Then since I knew he didn't get the letter I sent him I needed to drop the rope over the phone.

I apoligized for overstepping my boundary but did tell him that they all knew about pg already. That they called me. But I understand and see where he is coming from. The only ones I told were his parents.
Told him Ive been soul searching, told him Im no longer held by fear and anger, told him I was a complete bitch throughout marriage and told him I understand why he wants to end it. How it was wrong to put my expectations and my thought on happiness on his shoulders (DB coach told me that). I told him Im sorry. I told him I "get it". I told him all I want is for him to be happy. For me to be happy.

Then he asked so you're moving out of "town I live in"? You are still going through with transfer.
I said yeah well I put the transfer back in April that you know of. We knew it was a posibility for a long time since last year remember? but I finally did it in April bc I thought we would be together. But there might not be any stopping of it. I have to see with work when next city tranfer is. At first I was terrified but I realized that no matter where I live, NY, Florida, China, I wont be happy unless I myself am happy. And Im happy now. I know with faith and God and my determination, I can do anything.

He said but now, After all these years I wanted to move out of effin "town we lived in", NOW you realize it even though I begged for years .

I said yes, I apoligize for being asleep while married. But now Im awake. Im sorry I didnt see it. But I took a step back and realized that now Im done with this chapter of my life and now I can move on. I am happy to move on.

Then he went off about baby.
He was doing fine and accused me of witholding pg news for a month. And that he knows it took two, but I took all control and decided on my own. That I couldn;t even call him. Not that it would have changed anything but I took the issue all on my own like I always do. That he was angry when he found out. That the choice of words were wrong but that is what he felt at the time. That now no matter what he is bound financially to baby since its NYS. Im stuck.

Then I told him I can only imagine how he must feel. I apoligized how he found out but I was scared. That I only found out only a few days prior not a month. That the only person I wanted to tell at that point was him, my friend but I was nervous bc I did not want to bind him.

Then he went off that he wants a job bc he needs to support baby financially bc he has to by law and bc its the right thing to do. But he doesnt know if he wants to be recognized as father. Doesnt know if its right for child. He grew up with absent father and always wanted to be fulltime dad and I ruined that. That he thinks what might be best is that he has no ties to baby so that I can find someone nice and get married and that guy be fulltime dad.

I told him I understand and he should do whatever makes him happy. I told him my opinion is that I think he is a wonderful person and would have a lot to contribute to child but its up to him.

He then went off about how he contacted lawyer and its the hardest thing to get divorced in NY. That there is no such thing as legal separation in NY that we would have to be separated for a year and that kills him with moving on.
He asked me if I would lie and backtrack and claim we've been separated for a year.

I said I am living a good life. I will not be a liar. I do not want to disgrace the marriage since I married him loving him.

He said what we did in our marriage these past 2 years, that's enough disgrace in the marriage.

Then i said, Well we both did wrong in the marriage. I understand your frustration. But we were both unhappy w ourselves. We were both asleep and knew no better. We both did hurtful things in the marriage. But now as we're both getting better, as I'm getting better, I will not disgrace the marriage by knowingly being awake and lying.
I did say that i thought there was legal separation in NY

He said he didn't think so but called 2 others lawyers but they havent contacted him back. He might contemplate annulment and say he was on drugs but he didnt want that on paper but if he has to then he might go that route. (I dont think he knows that I can file fraud under that bc I didnt know but I think he can't since he's the culprit)

He went off again on how he's starting all over again
I said, well I know you're a strong person and I know you'll find a way. Is there anything I can do to help you?
He snorted and said about heart, no its broken but he hopes I find happiness like he had.

Then he asked if I thought we would get back together since divorce might take a while. If i had false hope.

I said. No, not at all. I understand your feelings. I know I can't change your feelings. I know if anything in time we might be friends. THat there are questions that I needed to ask him as a friend and we dont even have that.

He asked what?

I asked him about what car i should trade my car for (I have IS250 and it will be too small for baby). Then he went back to the old H. Started talking about different cars. I asked about my brakes. He went off on a tangent on that. on 4wd,to get my inspection done, etc....
I thanked him and told him I appreciate it since he knows I know nothing about cars.

I then told him about my weight loss but my arms are still very jiggly. He started talking about dips and stuff.
I asked him about his weight. and he told me hes been working out and is shredding fat for weight.
He told me to eat, keep healthy, to let doc know about my morning sickness and told me to stop running.

Then like he realized we were talking like friends for about 10 minutes and he changed again to divorce topic. That by me not backtracking separation date it puts us on hold to explore options. It makes it harder to be happy separate. THat I should think about it. It should be food for thought.

I told him well, I have to get back to work. I guess we'll speak soon. Have a beautiful day.