Yeah it was a though day. Overall if I look at the past 5 weeks of me being dark it only made our R more strained. I realize that I needed to do that, for me...but my screwed up H takes it personally and makes it sound like I'm the one that is unreasonable and that I make it difficult to communicate, he would like to be friendly...I'm the bad one.
I know that I probably appear cold (comparing to how he has known me for years), but that reserved exterior helped me to hold my emotions in.
And me appearing cold brings out the coldness in him...it's very strange...when I'm warm he is warm...
I have been dark for 5 weeks now and it has really deteriorated our R even further....I don't know what to do. Am I strong enough to be his "friend" again?...but modified "friend"...no more cake eating for him...don't know
Twink - I think that I will have a glass or two. Have this nice bottle of red wine that I'll open just for myself. Plans for the weekend hmmm. Tomorrow Rebuilding group meeting, Friday drinks or a movie with a friend, Saturday tennis....that's about it for now.
M&H - I wasn't expecting a ligtbulb moment but if I can see anything positive about that session is that it may make him realize how much damage he did to our R and our family....because it was very obvious today. And this C is good I was seeing her individually and with H before Xmas. I think that she said what she said because she saw the huge difference between how we were then comparing to now. And also H was so persuasive that he is done with me.
ILMN -Thanks for that story, I needed that today...I know that they will eventually break-up...but yeah who knows where I will be by then.
GAG - thank you so much for your touching post and for the nice words. I really, really appreciate that. Thanks for making me feel good about the person I'm, I do tend to doubt myself sometimes when the person whose opinion I valued the most doesn't like anything about me. BTW that's encouraging that your X is warming up to you
SCH & CW - thank you for being here for me
((((group hug))))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You know that I am so uncertain of my own sitch that I come on here and ask the simplest of questions because I doubt myself..
I wish HB was here! I will just say it and if I wrong then slap me around....your H is still blaming you...it is YOUR fault that your R is not good right now and that he does not know what is going on with his D. HE can call your D and talk to her...YOU have been more than accomadating to him. HE says he is done with you...what does HE expect?
Mila, he is trying to guilt you! He wants you to be the bad guy here...
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I agree with CW. If you continue to take the high road, at some point your H is going to look around and realize that no one is listening to his whining any more. Friends and family generally have a short attention span when it comes to this kind of drama. They want resolution. It won't be long before your H's friends will grow tired of hearing about his drama.
In my sitch, my XH told everyone that he left me because I worked too much. Well I did, I wasn't happy about it, but I did because I didn't have any choice (long story). My H whined about my work schedule but NEVER, EVER told me he was concerned that it was putting a wedge between us and could jeopardize our M. In his Adult Child of an Alcoholics brain he expected me to be able to read his mind. (Ughhhhh!!!!!!). Long story short, in a true miracle----an answer to prayer----3 months after my H dropped the bomb I was offered a very good full-time job, working almost 1/2 the hours and making ~70% more $$$. Two months later I accepted the job (big 180 for me). This meant that 5 months after H dropped the bomb, news started getting around that I had addressed H's reason for leaving in a very big way............and guess what? He had painted himself into such a corner that he proceeded with the D (no ow in my sitch).
I'd say that this demonstrated that my H didn't leave because of the reason he gave (my work schedule). That was just a smoke screen. My XH has inner demons from a childhood with an alcoholic mother..... but this turn of events made it obvious to everyone who knew the details, that my H's decision was not so rational after all. I continued to focus on "doing the right thing" and conducting myself with integrity. That goal became my North Star and guiding principle. When his mother (she has Alzheimers Disease) was moved out of her home I began visiting her with my faithful kitty cat every 2-3 weeks. (She had always been very nice to me.) I didn't badmouth my H/XH to any one. If I ever wanted to pass on information to mutual friends about my H, I would couch the information in the form of a question, rather than make a statement. For example, when my former MIL was hospitalized recently, XH's sister texted me to tell me. I replied "Thank you for letting me know. I wonder why XH didn't let me know?" You get your point across without making an accusatory remark. (My sister, a litigator, taught me this little gem. She uses this technique with juries.)
The point I am trying to make with this long post describing my sitch is that if you hold your head high and respond with firm but gentle kindness, those actions will speak louder to everyone around you than any words your H might say. .....and at some point in the future (this is where I am now), you will feel content and proud about the way in which you've conducted yourself.......and maybe, just maybe your H will be able to see the vestiges of a path home to you because you kept the door open, if only just a crack open.
Romans 12:20: "On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.'"
Loving detachment is the key.
My best to you,
GAG
Last edited by goodattitudegirl; 06/10/1004:44 AM.
CW - thank you - you are right he is blaming me, he is justifying and he wants to still be in control.
GAG - he is only in touch with one friend and he didn't tell his dad yet, his sister knows a listens to his drama, but she is a therapist so she can listen forever I guess. OW was cut off from her family and from most of her friends according to her H...they all disapprove. They only have each other pretty much...them against the whole world.
Like your X they all come up with "valid" reasons for what they are doing. I know that if it wasn't for the OW, H would still be here, all the reasons that he makes up for leaving are just justifications.
That's a good "lawyer" technique to get your point across. Thanks I'll start using that.
You know the old saying "You catch more flies with honey then with vinegar". It makes sense to be nice and friendly and gentle but firm as you point out. Once the infatuation with OW starts wearing off he will start comparing. Not that I'm trying to "catch him", but you get my point I hope.
As I mentioned in my post about C. H again brought up the issue on working around the house while I'm not here.
So couple of hours after the therapy session H was already testing if he got anywhere with me on that subject. I get an email that he would like to come tomorrow afternoon and work on the garden. I said that I have to leave about that time. He replied:
As far as I am concerned, you can leave as I work outside. I will not go inside. If you can’t believe this statement, after me reassuring you so many times... then I don’t know how will we continue functioning and even working together in business... I hope you’ll reconsider.
So he keeps pushing this...it's seems really childish. It seems to be very important to him, I think that he really wants me to trust him. I replied:
I would like to trust you...The gate will be open. I did cut the grass yesterday and shocked the pool as well.
He answered
I am glad, thank you.
I wonder how will he feel, slaving on a garden while nobody is home. Garden that is his and it's not and can't go into the house that is his but it's not. This is all too weird.....
Last edited by Mila; 06/10/1007:05 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I am going to come from a different angle that CW or GAG regarding your current situation.
You say that the relationship after 5 weeks dark has deteriorated. That H has become more cold.But you feel more strong and I think that comes through on your posts. Have you met the outcome you wanted for yourself?
If you have what about going dim but setting yourself some rules to protect yourself so as you don't get pulled into his game?
Keep the mystery going. The longer you are dark the more the gulf may increase between you. I think by coming to help in the garden is him trying to keep the door open. He is currently confused and his fantasy land will if not already be falling around his ears. He can see you are strong and moving forward. If he thinks you have moved ahead to quickly he may decide he has burnt his bridge.
Just a thought and another angle to look at. It is possible to stay detached and not pursue while being dim as opposed to dark.
Hope this hasn't put you in a terrible dilemma. Trust your instinct.
I could be way off base here but my take on your sitch is still that your H is really bothered by your dimness.
Let me ask you this. Do you feel better when you are dim with your H? Being dark/dim is a form of communication with our S. It tells them that ow/om interfering with our M is not acceptable. It is also a form of protection for ourselves. It allows us not to have all that they're doing shoved in our face constantly. By imposing his will on you your H is still cake eating. You're right, he still wants to be in control. He proved that in the counseling session. He didn't want that session to improve communications between you, he wanted a place to let you know how PO he was that you weren't doing things his way. I believe he can't stand the fact that he feels loss of control. He's using the business and divorce as threats. He is not thinking clearly in the fact that if you're not in business together he will still be responsible for supporting you and D.
I believe when we are friendly with them they think that what they are doing is OK with us. That they can have the best of both worlds. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How do you believe your H would act toward you if you were the one carrying on an affair? Do you think he would say, it's OK honey, we can still be friends?
I am not advocating being nasty, mean or vindictive to our S. That gets no one anywhere. I am advocating doing what you feel is best for you. Ask yourself what you can live with because you are the only one with your best interests in mind at this time.
He wants you where he left you, and ow too. If by giving your H what he wants will make YOU feel better, then by all means do it. If you feel it may make you resentful in the long run, don't. This is because if/when your H returns resentment will be one more hurdle you have to get over on your way to healing and a new R and M.
As for myself, when I know what my H is doing it allows the monsters to come out and play in my head. I lose precious living time for me, dealing with that. This is my time and I would rather not spend it thinking about things I have no control over. I'm far more productive doing for me, something I do have control over. I don't know about you, but being dim sure has helped me with loving detachment. When I do see H I am polite, act as if I'm doing fine (really am now for the most part) and try to avoid having much interaction with him. I only want him back if he truly wants us, and for that I feel he needs to miss what we had. Maybe some would view that as a tactic or strategy, for me it is the only thing I can accept.
Mila, I know that the C session was tough on you. The very nature of what our H's are doing is going to deteriorate and destroy our R's with them. Accept that that R is dead and in order to have a new one with your H, it has to be built from the ground up. It will all have to hit bottom before the climbing out can begin. Your changes have to be incorporated into that new R as well.
Give a lot of thought here to doing what is best for you, my friend, and go with it with no regrets.
I agree that your H is driven nuts by the dim/dark thing, he wants to control you. Don’t expect anything now, he’s angry at you for not being the Mila he knows, but he’s also infatuated with OW and by the way, they now feel responsible for each other also.
As much advice as we can give from what we’ve seen and read and done ourselves, only you can decide if being dark with him will finally push him to the point of no return.
You use your intuition. You have a lot of loving, caring and wise people advising you. You clearly have something special about you – just look at the traffic you get on your thread. People are drawn to you. Your H can’t help but be drawn back towards you when the infatuation is over. However, I must say that I see you taking the advice you get and filtering it and distilling it and choosing what you will do, but I am afraid that you will get too dependent on these boards because you do get so much traffic.
How well developed is your intuition? Do you find yourself facing a situation and saying “I have to post that to the board and see what everyone thinks?” BTDT.  Even got a t-shirt. OK, no I didn’t, but how cool would that be, DB t-shirts. LOL – we’d have to keep it stealth and just put on screen names and code words. Sorry, not much sleep last night, I’m being silly. (H used to love that about me, that I’d get silly when I was tired)
You get what I mean. Dark, dim, friendly, cake eating, firm, nice, boundaries, it gets confusing after a while.
Just be Mila. We don’t even know you and we love Mila. Imagine how much more that draw is for H. Even in the fog he can’t stop wanting to be around you. His conscious mind is telling him OW but his subconscious is telling him YOU.
Mila...Im sorry your meeting with the counselor didnt go better. Im sure it was hard. I hope you are doing ok today. I remember a meeting that me and my H had with the Counselor once....when he was still claiming the OW as his "soulmate". It was awful....I remember leaving that session and falling to the ground in tears and my H trying to pick me up off the ground Such a sad memory for me....
Sending ((hugs)) your way.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Such a sad memory for me....