Protect your assets. You did good in forwarding his bills to him.
You could send a message to the OW not necessarily to save your M but to speed him along faster to hit rock bottom. He's pretty much taken no responsibility for his own actions, preferring to blame everything on you.
Take care of yourself and your baby. If he tries to get into it as to how YOU are controlling, etc. again, just politely say that you have heard it from him already and that your focus is on you and your child and end it. Don't let him continue to use you as the scapegoat.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
He actually called me Saturday evening. Four times in a span of an hour and a half. But he didn't leave any message. VERY unlike him and very unlike what he's been doing this past month which has been calling once leaving message and then calling back next day and leaving message again.
I did not want to ruin my weekend so I didn't pick up the phone. It felt good
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
He called and left me a message a half hour ago. Apparently he heard that I was possibly going to the outlets this past Saturday and that's why he called me 4 times that evening.
His message:
Hey W. How are you? I wanted to call to see how you were doing. I know you were probably at the outlets on Saturday that's why I called you a few times. I don't know if you saw the missed calls or not.I was worried. There were torrential downpours and I wanted to make sure you were safe and if you couldnt drive back you could have come here to have a place to stay. I'll be up for a while so give me a call tonight if you're up if not tomorrow when you can. ok speak to you soon...
Then he called back fifteen minutes later but did not leave message.
WTH was that? He sounded like his old self. He actually sounded a little nervous in the message as well
I will not call back tonight. I won't call back actually. Next time he calls, I'll sound pleasant but get off the phone quickly and act busy.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
WTH was that? He sounded like his old self. He actually sounded a little nervous in the message as well
Don't you mean..."That's progress"!
A phone message doesn't guarantee anything, but being open to his care might let him rebuild his love for you. With a baby on the way, either way, his care should be nourished so he'll care for that little boy or girl that is going to have his smile, or ears, or hair.
Not answering doesn't show you're busy. He knows you better than that. If you are busy, why stop for his call? But playing coy only can work for so long until he feels you're cold.
Now if you don't want to talk to him at all, that is different.
I am way too cautious right now to see it as progress. The last two times he was so cruel on the phone. It is weird though.
I know I should see it as progress but my mind today was in anger mode. NOT once has he asked how far along I was. NOT once has he asked about the due date. I would never deny my baby of a father if he chose to be in his or her life. A baby deserves to know his parents. BUT the cruel words he has said, the fact that he has told me didn't know if he wanted to even recognize the baby as his....I am just in heavy anger today. What a roller coaster of emotions we all on this site go through!!!
If he calls me during work, I will not answer bc I am usually busy and he knows this as well. If he calls in the evening, I will pick up. I do need to tell him about his bills. But I will not stay on the phone for any more harrasment. As soon as that starts, I'll politely end the phone call.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
I will not call back tonight. I won't call back actually. Next time he calls, I'll sound pleasant but get off the phone quickly and act busy.
Now you're getting the hang of it...
I would change it to..."I'll sound busy but get off the phone quickly, but be cordial"
No reason to sound happy to hear from someone who says they want out and who is with someone else. More like "happy, but happy to hurry up and get off the phone, no time to chit chat" (big difference)
That makes sense. It is 'a baby step' at best, and the cruel calls are much tougher to detach from. But that is what we need, isn't it? To detach from the hate and anger of the other so we can see where truth may lay, what responsibilities we may need to own up to, and decide what to do next.
I AM NOT defending his ignorance on being a father, but when my W had her first pregnancy I asked about things that mattered to me. Those were not the same as what my W felt mattered. I also didn't feel the baby was alive yet. Remember, the baby lives on your life, not on the person outside of you. We can't feel the power of small movements, so it affects our hearts less.
A lot of movies show dads as all that, but let's face it, aside from us learning how to behave from others, we don't really get it. Having him come to the hospital, see his son or daughter's first breath...those are the goals. Those will make him either be absent or care.
His calls show a lot of anger, too. Anger at your lack of support (as he preceives it) and more. If I recall, his addiction wasn't street drugs, it was medications. They put a warning on the package for a reason...it happens to all sorts of people. That doesn't make it right, but I'm sure there's a whisper in his ear to blame you.
Makes sense about the work calls. Why not tell him / text him.
My suggestion would be to have ZERO expectations when it comes to your H and the pregnancy.
I also agree that one decent phone (message) call is not a baby step. Not even close. When somebody is verbally abusive on a constant basis the "nice call" is usually out of guilt or more likely he needs something and is paving the way for a smooth request. Verbally abusive people don't change in a matter of days. He will need to prove over many phone calls he can mind his manners and speak to you with civility and respect.
And I don't mean your H will never feel differently about your pregnancy (he might or might not). I just mean right now keep your expectations very, very low.
