Deep down Mila it sounds like your h still cares. How could he not after 37 years. That time just doesn't evaporate.
You sounds like you are handling things well. None of this is easy Mila and so hard to understand. Maybe that is the problem, trying too hard to make sense or understand anything a MLC says and does. We try so hard to grasp at anything they say or do and try to read into it and what it all means.
Stay focused on you and D. That is all that matters at this time. You sound strong, now keep that going!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Good for you that you have taken steps to implement Plan B!!!!!!!!!
I remember that every time I took one more step toward taking care of myself I felt as though I was taking another step away from my H. That made me sad at the time. I grieved what I thought were steps toward the eventual loss of my relationship with my H.
What I see now, is that given my H/XH's depression, the path I chose, was the only one available at the time that gave us a chance of reuniting one day.....and over the past couple months I have begun to see signs of my XH peeking out of his tunnel. Moving toward Plan B moves you toward the possibility of reconciliation. The universe will teach your H the lessons he needs to learn but this will take time. You are doing a very wise and loving thing by providing for your family's future.
Glam - I too believe that on some subconscious level he still cares...and no it's not easy as you all know
GAG - Until now I was kind of in a state of suspended animation...waiting...but now I know that this has to go all the way, that I have to move forward and live my life, not to wait for him to finish his MLC and pick up where we left off...it ain't gonna happen that way. So I wholeheartedly agree with you.
Jack - good observation A & B does indeed leads to C...his brain must be short circuiting if he doesn't see that.
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Your husband is ...basically in charge of the company
He is the "talent" and I'm the "brains" lol
Another observation - for the past I would say 3 years H started going to bed between 10 & 10:30pm...he was always tired and didn't sleep well. Now I observed that he is often up past midnight...he sends emails that late and texts D...strange.
I found out that he didn't go and see OW, instead she came here for the weekend. So he couldn't pick up his D from work because OW is here? He couldn't leave he alone in his apartment for the 15min it would take him to give D a ride home?...just shaking my head.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, My H didn't sleep either and now I believes he sleeps even less. He appears very old and very tired. One explanation I was either told or read about is that depression disturbs hormone levels including serotonin.
Another reason your H may not be sleeping is what he doesn't deal with during the day, the night brings the monsters out to play and the sitch will not be denied. If they do sleep, their dreams haunt them.
They will do anything to try and outrun the pain. The thing they need to do is stop and deal with the issues that are causing it. Unfortunately, they have to figure that out on their own...
FTR, I don''t believe your H is 'done' with you either. Your connection runs deep. It is buried for him right now, but it's still there. If he ever deals with his issues, and starts to peel back the layers, that connection will be revealed to him as well. It's what keeps him returning. When he is strong enough to embrace it instead of trying to outrun it, that's when he'll come back for good. That is, if you'll let him...
You are doing so well! Stay the path, it will work out exactly as it is supposed to.
My XH didn't sleep well either. SA your explanations for this make sense.
Found this post on the MLC archives yesterday. You've probably seen it before, but this seems like a good time to resurrect it because it addresses several of the issues that have been discussed here recently. I know that you are moving forward for yourself --- not to manipulate your H --- but this perspective from a former MCL H (DB name: favoriteweirdo) gives some insight into what they are thinking when they do what they do. (BTW, the writer references BFM=butterflymom. BFM is his W.) GAG
What did the OW mean to you at the beginning, middle, and end of your MLC.
Beginning - FUN, EXCITING, SEXY, NEW, UNCHARTERED TERRITORY that I was caught up in. Living in the moment not giving much of a damn about anything else was what I was all about.
Middle - Hmmm... Maybe OW is not the peach (coincidentally, she is from Georgia) I thought she was. The newness was wearing off. Who she was and what she was like to live with was beginning to set in. I started comparing BFM and what I had with her to OW... Reality check starting...
End (not sure that this is the end, although I pray it is) - OW is not my "soulmate". She does have a lot of redeeming qualities, but our relationship was built on the back of lies, lies and more lies coupled with shame, betrayal, hurt and disgust. I realized she and I would be much better people if we broke all contact and never looked back at each other again. I needed to rebuild my marriage with BFM and she needs to move on and find a man that treats her with respect, who loves her like no other, but is not married...
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I guess what Im asking is were you ever worried that BFM was mad at you and it so why?
Yes. I worried all the time. Sometimes, I wanted her to show anger so I could argue my side (warped as it was). I am a master at manipulating any argument to go my way. At times, I wanted validation that what I was doing hurt and that our M meant enough to show it. Don't know why, but there you go... My thinking was not always rational.
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If he doesnt want to be with me, why would me being in a hurry or acting like something is more important than him bother him? Just wondering if you had these thoughts.....and maybe why
I did. B/c I wanted to maintain some knowledge of what she was doing b/c we were still married. Double standard? Absolutely. Another twisted scenario of wanting to be the playboy while BFM was the good wife and Mom. I was not sure if I wanted to be with her or not, but I damn sure wanted her to miss me. I was diefinitely scared out of my gourd about her moving on. I knew I could not blame her, but I had to let her know in a crazy way that I cared/was jealous about anything that may take precedence over what little attention or time I gave her.
Last edited by goodattitudegirl; 06/12/1003:12 PM.
Oh boy! Thanks for posting that. I'm going to read that ASAP. My H definitely has that double standard thing going on with him. He wants to know where I get my flowers from, where I'm going, who with, but he asks in a very gentle, "I don't care" kind of way that says "I want to know but I still don't want you to get the idea that you can turn around and ask me the same questions."
M&H, that double standardness runs deep in my husband too - in everything from me to our son not having and a Facebook profile because he is too young and rules are rules!!
Mila, you are doing so very well. You've taken back some control for you and your daughter. As J3B says 'life is all about how you handle plan B'!! Your husband is singing loudly from the MLC hymn sheet and you could track it. He is lost and hurting and still wanting to be with in your life. His actions show this.
The REALITY that you have to deal with is KNOWING that unless his MLC has ran it's course you and your daughetr will redo this time and time again. I think you know in your heart of hearts that your strategy is the right one - set him free to chart his course, live your life for you in the meantime (grow through the whole sitch) and then see how the land lies on the other side (whenever that maybe).
Keep choices there for when you need to make them. Dont burn bridges all are within your gift.
((hugs))
lalxx
Last edited by lalxx; 06/13/1012:00 AM.
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
SA & GAG - Interesting that your Hs also had hard time sleeping....mine became a light sleeper when D was born, but in the past few years it got to a point that it was a pretty big problem for him...IMO it has to do something with MLC/depression/andropause.
GAG - good find in the archives, thanks for posting that. It's really fascinating to hear the MLC's take on things after they wake up. It gives you a peek into what may be going on in H's mind. I will definitely read the whole tread.
M&H - mine doesn't ask at all about my life or where I'm going, occasionally I've noticed that he really wants to know and he dances around it to see if I will volunteer, but he holds his tongue and doesn't ask a direct question.
lalxx - thank you...I really think that I have finally let him go, I feel strong and positive...more so if I don't see him. I 'm actually enjoying my life for the past week, lots of GALs, new plans for the future...I'm sick and tired of being down...I want to be happy again...I'm moving in the right direction
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
