Yeah it was a though day. Overall if I look at the past 5 weeks of me being dark it only made our R more strained. I realize that I needed to do that, for me...but my screwed up H takes it personally and makes it sound like I'm the one that is unreasonable and that I make it difficult to communicate, he would like to be friendly...I'm the bad one.
Mila,
How are YOU doing?
I hope well. Enjoying the summer?
I am going to caution you about you KNOWING or anyone saying that they KNOW or tell you what your husband is THINKING or why he is DOING something.
This is MLC, right?
It is one of the most illogical things in the world. IF this was a sane person...even then I would catuion you against KNOWING what he was thinking or claiming to know why he does what he does.
You KNOW you...DO for you.
That is why THIS:
Quote:
I realize that I needed to do that, for me
IS SO AWESOME!
Good for you.
About your husband?
Quote:
he would like to be friendly
He still F-ing the OW?
And wants to be friendly with you?
Me? I'd do what you are doing. You aren't the bad guy Mila.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi everyone...wow thanks for all of your posts, so much caring...you guys are awesome.
Well I'm back from our B meeting. It lasted exactly 15 min. We exchanged some paperwork...he didn't have anything new to report, no new jobs or leads in the past week (scary) I told him how the audit is going and then we just sat across the table from each other and he looked into my eyes....really looked...and I saw the emotions coming up...pain, like he wanted to breach this gap that is between us. He is definitely pained by how are with each other now. We held eye contact but no one said a word. Then the tears filled his eyes and I felt my eyes filling up as well, I quickly got up said bye and left so he doesn't see me break down. I was crying as I was walking out so it think that he did see that. Oh well. Why is this so painful and difficult to let go of each other?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Libby, SA, M&H, Kissak, PEI, Jack thank you for your continues support...love you all <3
Libby - for some reason I still care if my H is upset with me, I probably shouldn't, but I do. I hate being dark, it's not me...the fixer, caretaker traits in my personality are very strong, so being "unavailable" is very hard for me. I know this is about me, what's good for me...but the fixer, caretaker traits are part of me as well. Very confusing, but I'll figure it out one of these days.
SA - You ask "Do you feel better when you are dim with your H?" Yes and no, I feel better when I don't see him in a way that there is no drama and I can concentrate on me. But worst when I interact with him, I hate the way we are to each other when I'm dark and after the bad feeling stays for a while. Maybe there is a middle way that I haven't found yet.
M&H - I hear what's you are saying. I love all the support and input and opinions and I really appreciate every single one of my DB friends that are going through this with me. But that doesn't mean that I blindly follow the most popular view. It's fantastic that I get all of these opinions, because sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own drama that you don't see the big picture, or don't look at things from different angles. And my DB friends really help with that. In the end it's only me who can decide whats good for me. And it is an ongoing struggle....but I'm moving forward...slowly but I'm moving.
Quote:
Just be Mila
Wow you know that this is the best advice?...I have to remember that that is the most important thing. Thank you for that.
Kissak - thank for writing that you went through similar horrible session...and look at you now...he is back. Good for me to see that no matter how "final" things look they could always change in the future.
PEI - thanks for stopping by...another fellow Canadian
Jack - No matter if you visit my tread to give me some 2x4s or to offer encouragement...you are always a breath of fresh air with your realistic view on things...thank you for that
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Then the tears filled his eyes and I felt my eyes filling up as well, I quickly got up said bye and left so he doesn't see me break down.......Why is this so painful and difficult to let go of each other?
See, when that happens it makes me think why are we trying to let go of each other when we feel this way?! It makes zero sense to me!
SCH - thanks - it makes zero sense to me too CW - waaaaay to many thoughts lol
Journaling...
H came to work on the garden, he was cleaning the pool and I went about my business cooking dinner. I served dinner for D her BF and myself. I didn't invite H to join us and didn't feel bad about it...well maybe a little.
This is so not like me, I even invited our house painters for dinners with us for a week when they were painting our house. I would normally find it rude not to invite people that are at the house when meal is being served. But I did it. So H is working outside and we are having nice family dinner with fun conversation...he must have heard every single word through the open window.
I was going out so I was dressed up and when he finished he came in and said that he is sorry that he didn't do more outside, but his back really hurts...the way he said it he didn't give me a choice but to ask "What's wrong with it?" He went on how he even had to go to a chiropractor and it didn't help...he was looking for some sympathy I guess. I didn't give him the usual dose.
Then he said that I looked great. I thanked him. And he continues "You really do" so I had to thank him again.....
Told him that I have to go, said bye and he left.
Why does he keep complimenting me when he is so "done" with me???
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Oh, Mila, remember that as much as MLC = depression, it also = confusion.
You know and we know he's not done with you.
My H has given every indication that he's "done" with me, but I know in my heart he is not either.
They just think they are. Their words say they are done and their conscious efforts/actions say they are done, but their subconscious actions say they are not. That's why Michele says to only pay attention to half of what you see and none of what you hear.
That doesn't mean he won't be "done" with you one day.
However, right now, right here, he is not. And I personally think you have a very good chance at this. That's my opinion.
Mila I think my H complimented me MORE when he was with the OW than when he and I were together back then. Wait, I KNOW he complimented me more when we werent together! lol Its weird and I still havent figured that one out
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thank you OP, M&H & Kissak - I know, I know, you are right...it's just frustrating and confusing. He is definitely complimenting me more now then ever before...wierd
But I really am much more detached now, I don't think of him 24/7 it's more like 23/7 LOL, but seriously it is much better. I don't care what he does, where he goes. I get annoyed when he says that he will do something and he doesn't because being with OW takes precedence.
Like today he just texted D that he can't pick her up from work because he will be out of town. I get annoyed that he took on a chore (to pick her up) and when it doesn't suit him I have to step back in and bail him out...it's the reliability issue. I know...just more of the same MLC crap. I wonder if he will actually tell me as his business partner that he is leaving town again. I brought it up last time that I need to know in order for the business to somehow function...when he is not here there are certain tasks that I have to take over.
He told me that he is not telling me when he is going because he doesn't want OW's husband to know...he is scared of him. I reassured him that I won't tell the H if that's what he is worried about...so we will see if he tells me. He probably won't and if I ask he will say that he thought that I would know from D. I'm not even going to bother to bring it up again.
I really don't care at this point if he would even move to where OW is, it would be in a way easier, but unfortunately I/we depend on the business for our livelihood. We have some jobs to stay afloat for a while, but he is really not putting any effort into it, so the future of our business looks bleak.
Today I started the ball rolling on my Plan B. Renewing my license....signing up for courses and talking to some people. Feels good...it will take months, but that's what I need to do so we can eventually untangle from each other.
Not going to be easy, but I'm optimistic about the future even if he is not part of it
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
