I read Louise Hay's "The Power is Within You" Tuesday evening and finished it yesterday.
It contains affirmations and such and I know it might not be everyone's cup of tea, to tell you the truth I used to think all of that was crazy, but it has really calmed me.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
Well he called me last night. He actually remembered I had a doc's appt and left me a message to call him back. He wanted to see how it went and if I was well.
I called him an hour later. I asked him how he was. He said tired just watching tv. I told him if he wants I can just call him tomorrow. He said no its ok.
So I spoke about doc's appt. He then again told me he did not receive credit card. I then again told him he needs to call 800 number to issue new one. He did receive my "drop the rope letter" but made no further comment on it.
He then asked if I considered what he said a few days ago. I told him I consulted attorney and NYS doesnt reognize separation until separation agreement is filed. He went ballistic. That we're wasting time. That he's known people who've done it quicker. I kept cool and said you should file as soon as you can. I kept saying if it's what you went, then do it.
I asked him a question about the tv we have. Then I told him I was selling couches, selling bedroom set and starting over. Getting money for it and wont buy new stuff till I move.
He got angry about my move. Told me it is stupid. Told me I need to stay near family. Told me I make all the choices on my own like I did during marriage. I don't care how this is going to affect him. I told him I understood but my choices during marriage was to protect him bc I was scared he was going to die. But my move now is my choice as he wants divorce.
He blew up on how "I keep scarring him".I keept "hurting him and I always will". Bomb 1 bc I said when he told me he wanted divorce first day i told him i would file. I strung him along for weeks being cheery on phone and hanging up quickly. Bomb two with text that I was pregnant while his parents got phone call. How I disrupted his good life up there. How he had something special at the farm but bc of his family questioning his every move he can't even live there . He's at summer house for a bit then he has to find somewhere else to go. He has no money. He has no car. He has no job. And all I keep telling him is that he'll find a way. To have a beautiful day. I have so much money. I am being manipulitive. He says I have not changed at all. I am the same W. I am a beyotch and he never thought I would do this while we are getting divorced. THat I have money and I should file. THat it's over. Why am I holding on. Why am I saying I believe in marriage that it's marking him take all responsibility for divorce and making him look like bad guy. I have him by the balls. Now he has to use saved money to file instead of buying cheap car. That I mentioned I wanted to someday be friends but he can't even see that bc of everything I've done these last few weeks.
That I keep saying I understand, I'm sorry, I'm sorry you feel that way. That I;m not blowing up, I'm not giving real answers. I am being brainwashed by whatever therapist I'm seeing.
That he never has a choice. I dictate his life. THat how can I not see that now he has no choice and will never be involved in baby's life because he can't stomach talking to me for the rest of his life. That I made that choice for him.
I told him if he was involved it would be great bc he would be a good dad but if not I will tell baby of his good qualities. I would be a good mother. I told him I had to go and hung up.
I cried.
Then he called and I told him i needed to call him back. I cried for 20 minutes and called him back. He told me he was sorry for lashing out but he's just frustrated. I told him I understand that he's frustrated and I forgive him and I hope he has a good night. As I told him this I started crying a little so I hung up the phone quickly.
I know when we were married I was cold. I know it was my reaction to the betrayal of him doing drugs. I was WAS. But what he's saying to me, all of it just hurts so much. All of you go through months of this, I don't know how much more I can handle.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
It would be easy to say you reap what you sow, but in a marriage it seems so much more complicated than that. You both hurt each other, but he seems to only be able to feel his pain now. That is so sad.
Focus ahead though, don't get lost in the past except when making a better future.
It would be easy to say you reap what you sow, but in a marriage it seems so much more complicated than that. You both hurt each other, but he seems to only be able to feel his pain now. That is so sad.
Focus ahead though, don't get lost in the past except when making a better future.
THank you. I am trying to focus on career advancement, move and happy life as a mother by the end of the year.
I just still ache at his words. Is this also anger because he is no longer with OW? because his family "frowns" on his actions?
I don't know. He had a bill for thousands of dollars and he was served w court appearance back in MArch. ALL he had to do was call and say he never reaffirmed debt and ALL would have been gone with no money owed at all. I could not do it bc I'm not owner of debt. During his first month up there I would remind him he needed to call so it will end. He never did.
He was served again w court appearance and notice of judgement and I had to as well tell him this last night. WHY is he not facing reality? He commented on how he didnt have money to buy car to drive down here to go to court and implied it was my fault!!!HOW in the world is it my fault? He had to make a simple phone call. HOW am I controlling him????
I just do not get it.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
He was served again w court appearance and notice of judgement and I had to as well tell him this last night. WHY is he not facing reality? He commented on how he didnt have money to buy car to drive down here to go to court and implied it was my fault!!!HOW in the world is it my fault? He had to make a simple phone call. HOW am I controlling him????
I just do not get it.
You should "get it"... You have been his "mommy" for so long that you don't know how to be a wife. Here is what you told us on your first couple of quotes on your initial thread
Quote:
I knew all his passwords bc he often forget them lol. He knew all of mine bc I just wanted to give them to him even though I know he must have forgotten them bc that’s how he’s always been. I paid all the bills. I allocated his money to our savings acct and his own personal acct. I knew everything and secretly Ioved the “power and control”
Now you have a problem because you want to reconcile and yet you still haven't let "little boy" grow up because you always took care of things for him. This is an issue for both of you. He is mad because he has been a child and now he is having a tantrum because he has never really had to have discipline in his life before now.
You need to stop being mommy and he needs to grow up and become a man. He can't do that unless you allow him to fail on his own. Your pattern is to save him. Bail him. Tell him what to do. That has to stop.
Mommy needs to let her little boy go and succeed or fail and do this on his own. Don't enable this behavior. Call him on it. Just like the credit card issue. He probably lost his mail or threw it accidently in the trash. Next time, tell him that you sent it and it is his responsibility what to do about it from now and to NOT bring it up again. Let him get angry with you. Anger is a child's way of showing respect.
Now you have a problem because you want to reconcile and yet you still haven't let "little boy" grow up because you always took care of things for him. This is an issue for both of you. He is mad because he has been a child and now he is having a tantrum because he has never really had to have discipline in his life before now.
You need to stop being mommy and he needs to grow up and become a man. He can't do that unless you allow him to fail on his own. Your pattern is to save him. Bail him. Tell him what to do. That has to stop.
Mommy needs to let her little boy go and succeed or fail and do this on his own. Don't enable this behavior. Call him on it. Just like the credit card issue. He probably lost his mail or threw it accidently in the trash. Next time, tell him that you sent it and it is his responsibility what to do about it from now and to NOT bring it up again. Let him get angry with you. Anger is a child's way of showing respect.
You are correct. Funny thing is just an hour ago, his student loan company called me. Apparently he hasn't paid his bill this month. Everything was connected to my cell number and bank account.
I just went through everything and put his cell number on it and deleted anything with my account. All his bills will start hounding him now. I will tell him that I changed everything to his cell and new address when I speak to him.
And I spoke to soon. He is with OW. She just text him an hour ago. ughhhhh.....
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
