Sounds like she needs help lighting a fire. Have you tried starting a new class or hobby together? Something she would be interested in. Salsa dancing. Rock climbing? Is she willing to go on dates with you?
As a whole she's always been on the quieter side. I've always prided myself as being someone who could "read" people pretty well. She was the only one that I couldn't.
But we made it work and loved each other.
It effects the kids to some extent. She glosses over things with them and doesn't talk to them about feelings. She plays with them and buys them things as rewards whereas I would compliment them. I didn't want them to grow up spoiled.
She has told me that she wished she had the kids with her all the time, but there are times I ask if she wants to come over to dinner and she'll say "no thank you".
From what I understand from her aunts and uncles, when her dad left her family no one ever brought him up. It's like he didn't exist and I don't think her mom ever talked to her about her feelings. I get the feeling she's doing the same.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I guess I have to ask you what incentive your W has to change?
Other than missing her children (and there are ways to rectify that) she essentially can behave how she wants and she really doesn't have any consequences. Not having your children "full time" is all part of what happens when you have an affair and decide to reside elsewhere.
What if you said to her... "W, I would like us to attend Retro for a weekend session. I think it would do us both a world of good both as individuals, parents and perhaps a couple. If you choose not to attend I accept your decision however I have decided it is time to move forward with my life".
Well first off there is no R around where we live so we'd have to hop a plane to go to one and the cost would be out of the question.
Then there's the A. In her case, I really believe the A was a way to "feel" something. Of course he turned out to be Dr. Douche, but after it stopped over two years ago, she hasn't gone out much. Dating or otherwise. She really isn't looking for anything right now as if she doesn't have a plan.
I told her that she needed to stop running away and start making decisions. It's like she's stuck in paralysis right now and can't make a decision. I mean she says she wants "out" but I think what she really wants is for the pain to go away. What is that pain? I have no idea.
It doesn't help much when her family is enabling her and pushing for her to D. It really did piss me off when her mom told our D that "mommy's not coming home". It really isn't any of her damn business.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok - well forget Retro then. There are other forms of assistance.
The gist of my question was have you provided your W with a list of options to jointly participate in (ex: C'ing) and if she declines let her know you will be moving forward without her?
I guess I don't feel my question was answered. What incentive does she have to change? Her family is helping her out and you bend over backwards for her. Aside from not having her children full time it seems things are a bit too easy for her and I am not sure status quo is the best approach (IMO).
That's the thing. She doesn't really have an incentive to change right now. I mean don't get me wrong. She has been changing and moreso in the past 3 months than she had in 2 years. It was almost as if her old self were emerging again.
I had just gotten to the point where I guess I want more change in a faster way and my patience has worn thin.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm doing okay. I kind of got into it with the W again. Gotta stop that.
So I found out that she's moving into her sister's new place with our kids. Funny thing is that I had to find it out from our Ds. She hasn't told me herself. I even kind of beat around the bush to see if she would tell me but she didn't.
I'm not sure why she hasn't told me since I have to pick the kids up from there every now and then. Plus I would like to see where my kids would be living half the time.
I'm still debating whether or not to decline the Father's Day invitation. It could be my pride talking but I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with doing anything with her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
