While I know it is hard, maybe try to stop counting the days and weeks dark.
I understand about waiting. My H was/is civil service so the job always came first. You learn to be self sufficient in so many ways, but you never really think about your emotional independence. And when they are home, you expect them to be present.
One thing I found, was when I stopped worrying about him, and just continued living my life, at first, as if he was at work again, it made it much easier.
Sometimes we have to play little mind games with ourselves to get into the right frame of mind.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Good days or bad, I can't imagine my life without him in it
That is the mentality that is keeping you from taking the next step...
How did your life look when he was deployed, and you COULDN'T talk to him ?
Right now, he IS deployed, into the land of Oz....with Dorothy, and those F-ing monkeys dancing around him..
Originally Posted By: Punkin, again
I can't seem to quit waiting.
What is it that you are waiting for ? Him to barge through the door, with a bouquet of flowers,saying that he is an a$$hat, and that he wants you back ?
I'm waiting for Ed McMahon to show up at my door too....oh wait, somebody is knocking...
Wasn't him....
Neither of you are ready for that to happen anyway...
Originally Posted By: Once again, Punkin
I know that is self-defeating
No, cause...If you knew....it wouldn't happen
Originally Posted By: Do I need to say it?
Going on 5 weeks dark. No improvement in sight
OMG...five weeks? Really ?
I'm not making fun of you or your situation here.
There needs to become a time when all of this focus is on you, instead of what is happening in your relationship.
Your time is now
Your healing
Your growth
The you that you want to be....
Once that focus is on yourself, these days will get better and more even for you.
I truely appreciate any outlook anyone has. Believe me, I wish to God I could stop counting. I haven't seen anyone's thread where they have mentioned how long they have gone without any contact whatsoever from their WS. All the threads that have mentioned going dark always mention some kind of contact that was had. When I say nothing, I mean absolutely nothing has passed between us. Is this usual?
While I understand the concept of 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', this is truly the longest I have gone without word from my husband in 20 years. It ain't the army it used to be. They had satellite phones, he called every 3 days or so. He wrote letters to me and I wrote back. Cat04, you are absolutely right. He has put his job ahead of us at every turn, and I've learned to accomadate that. I never knew I was so emotionally dependent on him until now. I always thought he was emotionally dependent on me.
Mach, you are right when you say my focus needs to be on ME, not the R. I do pretty good in the outside world. At home, alone, my heart and my head go to war. Getting a Life is easier when you don't live out in the mountains by yourself. I can go to town, but in a town of 5500, there is only so much to do. Example: tomorrow I am planning to vacuum the floor and sweep up all the dead dirt dobbers that have gotten into the house. I can go to town, but there is only so much in Wal-Mart to see, and I have very little money.
I have a friend of 40 years, a male, who has been very supportive of me. He's always been a buddy. Then he appeared to want to be a buddy with benefits. He was gracious with the rejection, but has backed away to the point that I don't feel right calling and talking to him.
I know from experience that 3.5 months is nothingI just wasn't alone in the woods the last time. I still had kids at home, something to focus on. Yes, I'm on an antidepressant.
Keep kicking me in the a$$ ladies and gentlemen. It's just not in me to give up. In fact, that is the last thing I said when I spoke to my husband. I DON'T QUIT!
Well...now that you TOLD him that you don't quit...you cannot without seeming the liar.
For the fun of it.
Unconditional love. Is it?
You'd love him if he killed people, slept with dogs, and by slept with I mean sexual congress. You'd love him if he was brain in a jar, or only spoke to you in profanities?
Or do you mean your love for him in unconditional if his love for you is unconditional? Because...that love would be...conditional. : )
Ok enough of that...
You live in the mountains and can't find stuff to do?
Walk, hike, plant things, carve wood, find awesome stones and build a rock monster out of them to protect your property. Clib a tree, collect sticks, become the crazy stick collecting ladies the kids fear... make little stick figures and hang them everywhere...
The possibilites are endless.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hey Jack! He's a soldier - he has killed people He's sleeping with a 'dog',(OW) and I mean sexual congress, now. Right now, his brain is pretty much soaked in alcohol and in a jar, and that last time we talked, it was in profanities.
Think about this for a minute here. Talk about who's more emotionally dependent, you, or your H. Well let's see, your H takes a ride on the mothership, but he's not riding alone, he had to have an ow along with. You're left on your own and you have a buddy who has offered a 'friend with benefits package' and you turned him down. That clearly states to me that you are the emotionally stronger of the two of you.
Another thing that clearly speaks of your strength is even asking for suggestions on GALing. Wanting ideas means you're at least thinking about it. That is great! Next step is to go do it.
One last thing to remember is what Snodderly said to you. Your H took the NC order from your lawyer to the bank. It keeps him from having to deal with his feelings about the whole sitch.
Hang in there, you'll get through this and we'll be here to support you.
SA, Thank-you so much. You always have a way of turning my perspective from a frown upside down. It's good to be stronger. But no one has answered by key question. How long is long enough when you're being dark? I don't need a date on the calender, but is there some kind of bus schedule for this roller coaster? I can't seem to find anyone threads that mention being totally dark for any length of time. I know, time is not a good perception right now, but I wish I knew how someone else felt.
Hi Punkin I know how hard it was in the beginning when my h left. Just try to focus on you and try not to be alone and think, and pray a lot if you have faith. I watched religious programs all day in the beginning God is the only way I got through it. There is a really good website rejoice marriage ministries. I read the messages of the marriages restored over and over and it gives me a lot of hope. I also ordered the tapes from there and listen in my car all the time. It does get better with time. I know when I just started going through this i couldn't eat or sleep. m for 20 ys together for 30. I like your name, that is my labrador's name and I spell it the same too.
You're more than welcome sweetie, glad I could help a little.:)
Punkin, the best answer I've got is that you'll know when the time is right to no longer be dark. Being dark is for you. It's a time to collect your thoughts, get centered and when you're ready you'll be able to talk to your H from a position of strength, but more importantly you'll be ready to listen and validate.
what does your gut tell you to do? I have found my intuition to be much sharper through this. Always maintain the 24 - 48 hr rule in waiting to respond to your H. This gives you time and perspective on your answer because although we can't speed the MLC process up, we can certainly slow it down.
I know this does not really answer your question, but you will find that the answer is in you already. It will present it self when you are ready to hear it. Be still and listen for it.
