Each person brings something to the marriage, whether it be baggage from childhood, problems from another life, tools to teach the other...each one balances out the other's weaknesses from a point of strength.
So how do you get to that point of strength? Don't you get to it by working on yourself? How can you work on your marriage? if you have not worked on yourself? How do you stand for your marriage, when you can't stand on your own?
I see the success you are. AND you happen to be one that is reconciled with your spouse. I am also a success, I am divorced.. My children and I are doing very well.
I am a success b/c I fix myself every day.
If I wanted to stand, NOW would be the perfect time.. 4 years later... I have my footing.. I am detached... I love my EX again.. Not in love, but love him for being the father of my children.. Love him for the good times, and thank him and love him for the bad times. The thoughts of running him over with my car are few and far in between...
I am a different person, and now can see him differently. Is he someone I would want to be with now? No.. He is not ok... He is very hurt, he has issues way deep down that hav not been tackled.. Well I don't live with him so I can't say for sure. Let's just say that is what I see, and the children too..
When he first left me 4 years ago, I was dead inside... I came to the conclusion that I was dead inside while married too. I didn't see that until much later.. ALL I wanted to do was stand, for this marriage, and no one was going to tell me different.
BUT, when I came here I was lost, and in standing I thought that lost feeling was going to go away, b/c if my EX would just come back EVERYTHING was going to be ok.
I know now, 4 years later that is not true.
That is what i meant by my first post... The emphasis should not be on whether you are standing or not.. It should be on fixing yourself. When I was on this board in march of 06.. The people from the board/and getting my butt up and doing the work on me, is what helped me get through.. Not standing...
The peeps here, made sure that the peeps did something for themselves, everyday.
Our threads were filled with love, laughs, and shoe talk.....
I can remember back to Snodderly, giving me advice and it was always about me..... What I needed to do for me..... Not about how to get my EX back.... BUT in getting you back, some EX's come back......
We were invested in the hearts of each other....on this board When they joined a class, or started school, or when their kids passed a test, we celebrated all of it. Where were our spouses when these things were happening? They were doing their MLC things.. BUT we were more focused on ourselves. THEN focusing on the spouse, when need be was easier... It came from a different place from inside of us... We could see them with maybe a bit more compassion....
We saw them in maybe a more detached light.....AFTER, working on ourselves...
That is what i mean by standing or not standing should not even be brought up.. IMO.... Standing for yourself, is the winner..
All things fall into place... A reconciled better/new marriage... Or if a divorce is in your cards, then a divorce without bitterness, anger. A divorce where the children involved are not being sucked into drama... Where they are free to love both parents, AND (gulp) are free to love the OM or OW, if that is the case...
What I meant in my first post is that it doesn't matter if they come back or not, b/c YOU will be in a place that can handle either case scenario....
Posting here, prayers, therapy, whatever you need to do... Do it to get yourself back to loving you.. B/c if you don't love yourself, then I dont' think you can love anyone else....
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
If you'll re-read your OWN post, all the answers to the questions you asked in the beginning of your post are answered within that SAME post.
You had the answers all along, everyone does, they just have to learn to access those within themselves.
You ARE truly a success because you found and use the key.
The key, defined, is honestly working on yourself; connecting with the answers that are found within YOU, only then, will you know the best way to go in your journey, whether the marriage makes it or not.
You are right, you cannot stand if you've not worked on YOU.
I'd already gotten what I had to do, three months post-bomb when I came to the board back in late 2001. I was posting as "hurting badly" then. Hearts Blessing didn't come until later on when things were on a much better course.
There was still SO much I had to learn, and I finished what learning I could do here. Yet, even at this late date, I STILL learn new things, but these are associated with where I'm walking now within my life. You never stop growing and learning..that continues for the rest of your life.
If my husband hadn't wanted to continue with me, I would have dealt with that, as my marriage was not a means to an end, but the journey within was and is, important to my growing and becoming a better person, than I had been before his MLC.
I, too, remember a completely different board when I was here in late 2001 to early 2003. Some things were the same, as some wanted a "quick fix"..but that was not to be, so people were helped to work toward fixing themselves.
Some got it right off the bat, for some it took time, some continued to fight the idea of change. Still, some were still fighting these ideas when I left.
There was alot of fun and laughter back at that time, too.
There was never a shortage of people willing to explain the journey; yet, the gentle reminder always was that each person was different, each MLC was different..and you couldn't fit your experience into someone else's, no matter how similar the circumstances might be.
It made for some very disappointed people when things for them didn't come out as it had for me, and others.
I know that it doesn't matter how many ways I or anyone else explains it, people will ALWAYS have to find their OWN ways to cope, grow, and change.
Each person is at their own unique place in their own unique journey in each of their own unique lives.
The attitudes, personalities, ways, may be similar, but are SO different with each person.
Comprehension, understanding, wisdom and knowledge gained are not on the same time scale, therefore, each person has a totally different experience in this.
Tools may be offered, but no one is really forced to walk this journey if they do not choose to; there ARE choices.
Last of all, but not least, there are NO guarantees, whether in life, MLC, or ANY trial that is gone through.
I learned a long time ago that I could not save the world, I could only change myself, share what I learned with others, and let the rest go.
I do not give my time to others for something I am missing...there's nothing missing within me, I am complete and whole within MYSELF. That is BECAUSE of the journey I took, not because my spouse and I are reconciled.
Simply put, I give my time because I do care, and don't mind sharing what I know with people, as I was there, too; and you cannot help another until you've walked in their shoes for a time.
In time, the wounds DO heal, much is forgotten, only the lessons connected with the trial/journey is retained within.
A person is not a success for what they do, they are a success for who they are and what they've become within this journey of life.
Never measure your progress by another's journey; realize your own uniqueness, be patient with yourself.
And when you fall down? Well, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself for being human, and WALK ON..the best part of your life is just ahead.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
well said lissie, 6 months into my own journey and whilst I am not a reguar poster here I read a lot of the forum most days. I am pragmatic by nature so a lot of what i read translates into action for me!
I am learning to forgive my husband for the devastation and hurt he has caused. I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him 18 years ago and I can never imagine a time when I don't love him but right now it is time for me to work on me and to protect my chidren and ensure I have no regrets about my behaviour.
You have travelled and interesting road and the lesson of learning is obviously one you will take into your new life.
blessings to you
respect
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
I just posted the link to this for someone and went back to read it again.
Totally different now where I am than when I first read it.
Pulled this on standing from my own thread thought it might be helpful here:
IMO standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout. At least I have up to this point.
You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"
In the beginning we want answers.
Why did this happen?
How could they do this? Who am I? What do I believe in? What do my vows mean to me? Why do I hurt?
And the BIG ONE...
What is it about ME that made them leave?
IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.
At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...
As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...
It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.
Then you start to look inside....
Then you start to see who YOU are...
Then you realize that this is part of YOU
What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...
You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...
It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.
It is about YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
thanks guys... You guys are a blesseing, and thanks for always teaching me...