Standing, When DB'ing becomes unhealthy

[Marked&Healed]

I personally really like the whole "standing evolves as it moves forward" thing.

I agree that as long as you are happy, not wallowing, moving forward and growing - stand the rest of your life if it makes you happy. At a certain point, your stand will probably include "he'll never come back" type of realizations, but who cares, it's up to the individual to decide that.

[braveheart]

Marked and Healed, the problem with "standing and evolving" thing is that the vast majority of the time, this doesn't happen. Most long-term standers do not move forward, they sit and do what they did 4 or 5 years ago. Again, if someone wishes to do that, its their right, but don't expect your marriage to be restored.

[iluvme55]

Amen to that sista!!!!!!!! I am 55 and I feel good.....have bad days but more good than bad......I am still standing after 3 1/2 yrs. because I feel God still wants me to do what I am doing and that is praying for him and our family... I have asked him to release me from this but I MUST obey God, you know when god speaks to you, and this is something I feel strongly about.....

[iluvme55]

Says who B/H ????????????

[braveheart]

Ilikemenow, I says. Please give me the names of the people on this board that have stood for 4 or 5 years and have had restored marriages. Proof is in the pudding dear.

[braveheart]

For the record, there are 23 reported restored marriages in the thread on this board out of the hundreds or thousands of people who have posted on this board over the years. Out of those how many stood for 4 or 5 years? 2 or 3, 10 for argument sake. Not good odds. How many of those are still together? My point is, this MLC thing is rarely overcome. If God is ordering you to stand, by all means do so, but please remember, you H has to listen to God in order for him to work on him.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

BH the only time we do not see eye to eye is when you take hope away from people or use 'facts' i.e. numbers.

I like you.

I disagree with what seems to me to be this desire to tell people how long to hope.

[WCW]

Ilikemenow, I says. Please give me the names of the people on this board that have stood for 4 or 5 years and have had restored marriages. Proof is in the pudding dear.

I have not read this whole thread and may be jumping into a fire but put my name on your list. I joined here in 2005 after 20 months of wondering WTH happened to my H? We are a work in progress....

[punkin]

JTB & BH,
Isn't that just part of being human? Wanting to know how long before you reach a desired destination. In this case, a restored, loving relationship. The timeline is the thing that drives me batty, too. When I read other people's stories and they've been waiting it out for 2-3 years, it is quite disheartening. I understand, everyone has to come to 'that point' in their own time, but is that point when you've been pushed into the wall, or when you just quit giving a damn? It's not easy being green.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Punkin,

IF everyone here went soley on percentages everyone here would give up and seek a divorce.

What percentage is a bad perecentage? 10% get divorced? 25%? 44% get divorced? 80% get a divorce? 90%

What if it was 99.999999%?

The way I see it...even if...no ESPECIALLY if it was 99.999999% of people here ended up divorced ESPECIALLY then Your marriage SHOULD be worth the fight. If you got married and AREN'T willing to give EVERYTHING you have and are capable of giving to be that .000001% why the hell did you get married?

You move on when YOU are ready too, when you have given everything you can and sacrificed all your patience and understanding and everything you can burn to stand...once that is gone, then move on. Because only then will you not look back and wonder "What if I had stood just a little longer?"

I am NOT saying never move on. I am not saying that.

I am saying that YOU and YOU alone should determine that. No one else no matter how helpful or hurtful that person may or may not be. Unlike family and friends in the real world, we are here to support, not control, not to spare someone from what we see as 'false' hope because our circumstances didn't work out the way we hoped they would.

There is no timeline punkin...your Husbands MLC takes as long as it takes. Your goal is to outlast it and improve yourself in the process.

IF you go by a timeline you're likely going to quit out sooner than later.