I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

TH. I am back 10 months. The emotions. The hurt, pain, despair, betrayal.
The mind movies have come back. The obsessive thoughts, lack of sleep.

I feel so stupid and foolish. I believe now that OW has been with him the entire time. That they never split up. That she just truly accepted her role as the other woman. It makes me sick.

[timehealsall]

I was a stupid fool. He had been lying the entire time

why couldn't he just have been honest? Told me he wanted her and not me? He could have just filed and gone on with his
life. But why take me on this ride?

I've been so accepting and accommodating and he has just destroyed me every which way.

And I type this as I sit in the very same
house, his house, where our R first started. Where it all started.

I guess it really all does come first circle.

[TimeHeals]

I feel so stupid and foolish

For what? Loving somebody? For having emotions and being hurt? For hoping things were different?

I guess I am not sure why you are feeling foolish from what you have posted.

That being said, most of us here have been there: 2nd guessing everything we feel or think. I suppose one way to think about it is that it's a setback. Another way to think about it is that it is an opportunity to be stronger: just because you are feeling all of these things doesn't mean you have to let your emotions dictate your actions or beat yourself up this time for feeling them. If you have to get out and get away for a bit to be alone with your feelings so that you have some alone time to process them, it's OK to do that.

[TimeHeals]

Coach or Greek--I forget which one--uses touching a hot stove to see if it is still hot as an analogy sometimes.

You have touched the stove, and it's still hot, I guess.

[change44]

THA, How are you doing today? How has your weekend been? I check on you and think of you often. The agony of the constant roller coaster ride is enough to make you sick...I know first hand. I hope you were able to have some fun this weekend and take a break from arguing with your husband. My motto throughout has been "It's not over 'til it's over." If you hold out any hope for saving your marriage, hold tight to it. But if you are ready to move on, Godspeed! : )

[timehealsall]

Hey AP and everyone,

I'm eh, okay, I guess.

Kept very busy this weekend. I actually confronted him on Saturday after he had dropped S off and I asked him when we would sit down and talk about things (D talk). He said whenever I'd like. So I said okay and btw, you never told me what your L said. He said that he sat down and discussed everything with him (our finances) and that we would have to handle it like a business and that that would be the best way to go about things.

He never mentioned separation or D or what... only finances. ugh.

I then said that I just want this to be handled the best way possible because I don't want to hurt the kids. He then said that the kids are fine and I said that no, they've seen enough and that his actions are affecting him and I'm not worried about him or me, but only the 3 kids.

I then said to him calmly that I wish he had been honest with me from the beginning. I would have accepted the hurtful truth because I'd have no other choice but to accept it. He then said that he had been truthful and that he just doesnt want to be with me anymore. I said that's fine but he should have been honest that he was still with OW.

He said what are you talking about. calling me crazy. I said no, I have spoken with OW and she has told me that you two never split up and have been together the entire time. He said I was crazy and that it's funny how we're friends and chatting now. So I said, what's the big deal? why keep going back and forth? I would have let you go..

So he says that I'm crazy (again) and starts walking away. So I said, okay, let's settle this and I start dialing the OW's number, he starts walking away and gets in car and leaves.

I felt so much better after that. I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore.

He just denies, deflects and denies.

I didn't hear from him until later that night when he called (but didn't leave a VM) and then text me to ask me how S's game was. I replied to him an hour or so later saying it went well.

yesterday, S had a tournament and H text me asking that S be ready and the time he was coming to get him and that I please have him come down (rather than him coming up to get him).

I then replied back that I'd be taking the kids to the tournament and he would see them there.

I'm taking control back of my life. He does not call the shots here anymore.

Thing is in the emails I've seen that he has sent to a few "friends" overseas in that same place, he says "I'm making big moves in my life, am leaving the wife and starting a new busines..." I see that he has been starting something up..

Part of me wants that happy ending... Wants him to come back and be the devoted and loyal man he once was.. a part of me wants to move on and find someone else who will value me and treasure me and treat me the way I deserve.

let's say "if" I wanted him to come back, what do I do? would the LRT apply to this?

We dont' really talk much when we see each other. I remain calm and cool but he doesn't even acknowledge me.

Anyone out there in H's position that can relate and shed some light?

I'm so lost and confused..

[timehealsall]

and the saga continues...

Had a talk with him for over an hour. Got ugly at certain times.

Telling me he has zero regret for having an affair. Any man would have done the same. That he can't stand me, hates me, doesn't like touching me, kissing me, sleeping with me. He can't stand to even look at me. Hopes that one day I can hurt like I hurt him.

After going back and forth he says he had OW change the locks because the worker had taken the money from the lawyer that he wired for the electric bill. So he called her because he knows he can trust her there (this is his apt. overseas).

He denies being with OW that he doesn't want to be with me and I need to get over it. Go find someone else and leave him alone.

Mind you I wasn't needy or anything. He just exploded. I tried to be calm, although I admit there were times where I said things as well.

He said that he hadn't slept with her and kept denying but when I asked what they discussed or why he didn't tell me bbout the worker and the money she supposedly stole, he said it was none of me business and that what he does in his personal life is his business. That we aren't together. He doesn't live with me anymore and that we are only married on paper.

Told me to go f*ck someone else and that he is sure I'll be a little hooker and that I should have been one while when we were married and I would have been able to keep a man (i.e., him).

Denied it being his baby and that she was with someone else and he wasn't with her. He also called me a liar and a user. That I used him and then started in with the scar on his face. (there is no scar.. it was a scratch and it healed long ago)

Said that nothing lasts forever and I should get over with it.

Called me Jekyll and Hyde.

He said he has no money and that now I think I'm better Than him because I'm working and he isn't. And that I made out like a bandit bc I have a roof over my head and a car and have left him with the bills.

I have to pay bills and don't have access to the accounts bc he changed the pw. So I asked him what to do. He said that his bank accounts r none of my business and that its none of my business what money comes in and how he spends it.

At first he was calling me a compulsive liar. That all I do is lie and my convo with the girl was a lie.

It was brutal. I won't lie. But I'm okay. What more can i do.

Caught him lying though. He said he had OW change locks because the worker stole the electric money. And when I asked why he didn't ask the landlord. He said the landlord couldn't do it. (mind u the email from landlord was asking if H had changed the locks because OW tried getting in and couldn't get in) Makes no Mention of him not being able to do it)

He said he had called OW to change them a few weeks ago. Doesn't add up either way though. But he is right. At this Point. It doesn't matter. He Is already gone and checked out of our marriage. he hates me.

In his Mind, he has Already divorced me.

When i asked why he wasn't honest from the getgo With me. He said that i kept bringing [censored] Up to him (Which isn't true I only commented on how closed off He was to me and Had a guard up. He really wasn't trying at all while he was here. I was constantly pussyfooting around him)

*sigh*

Forgot to add that he said that the girl has nothing to do with me and him. That he just doesn't want to be with me. I told him that of course it does because he has feelings for the girl

He said nope. Has Nothing to do with it. That regardless of if there is/was no one else he would still not want to be with me. I told him I didn't buy it but he laughed.

[TimeHeals]

Called me Jekyll and Hyde.

Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, on my own thread that I had closed.

Let me guess, sometimes this all gets to you, and you have had a history of not expressing anger, and sometimes it just comes out all at once briefly?

[PEI]

Hi!

Admittedly I haven't read your whole sitch ... so keep that in mind with my comments ...

Part of me wants that happy ending... Wants him to come back and be the devoted and loyal man he once was.. a part of me wants to move on and find someone else who will value me and treasure me and treat me the way I deserve.

Sweetie ... why in God's name would you want this man back? Granted, I understand wanting your loving, devoted H back, but this is NOT him. You deserve so much better than the treatment he is throwing your way. You also need to not think about someone else right now. You need to validate yourself. Feel good about you because you are worth it. Only then should you be thinking about someone, your H or otherwise, and how they will treat you. YOU need to treat YOU well right now.

My advice ... go DARK, or at least as dark as you can with kids. You need to continue to work on you until you are in a place emotionally and mentally where you recognize that you deserve better than this and wouldn't even consider taking someone back who is treating you this way.

Peace
PEI

[TimeHeals]

She's probably still in shock.

I know I was when I heard a speech pretty much like the following:

he can't stand me, hates me, doesn't like touching me, kissing me, sleeping with me. He can't stand to even look at me. Hopes that one day I can hurt like I hurt him.

My W had ideas about the type of woman that would be good for me too on top of that. Sigh.

He's mad, he blames you for his own affair, and it's easier to turn you into a punching bag than live with the guilt. Sad stuff. You're going to be OK.

You might have made some mistakes in your M (who hasn't?), but you didn't make him cheat, and nobody deserves this.