this dim/dark stuff is so not me...but it has it's place and it has helped me to detach more.
You summed this up well.
David Schnarch talks about genuine communication in his book "Intimacy and Desire". (Great book, although this book is geared toward couples who are together.) For awhile this spring I tried to communicate with XH this way......and I could see in his eyes that it made a difference with him. He became more receptive,........... but then he withdrew. I think having his feelings bubble up scared him back into his bat cave.....I'm not offering any judgements or advice for how to proceed. Just offering data from my sitch.
I talked with Jody (DB coach) today. She is always SO good to talk to. I couldn't have made it through the past 1 1/2 years without her. She said that while my XH is in his current state of withdrawal that I should keep everything light in writing and conversation. She said to match XH's tone and length of communication. Let him initiate and take the lead. My XH is depressed so she said I should validate his sorrow over his mother's failing health with brief, sincere statements, then distract him with fun conversation rather than letting him wallow in depressive thoughts. That way, he will associate pleasant feelings with out interactions. ......Maybe some of these ideas will be helpful to someone else out there.
"Intimacy and Desire" this book sounds interesting...I will order it.
It make sense to be your H's friend when he is in withdrawal, especially because there is no OW competing to satisfy his emotional needs...he will associate the peasant feelings with you.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
It make sense to be your H's friend when he is in withdrawal, especially because there is no OW competing to satisfy his emotional needs...he will associate the peasant feelings with you.
It does make sense. It can also be pretty difficult at times. Be patient with yourself.
Hi Mila...Hope you are having a better day. Im kinda like you...Going dark on my H was sooo not me...but it did help me to detach somewhat, then when I was ready I could talk to him more. Actually made me feel better to have a better R with him. We kinda talked more to each other during this time. I think it helped us somewhat to become friends again. It wasnt easy, but it was better. Still very hard knowing he was going home to the OW everynight, but I managed. Turned out the OW didnt like our "new" friendship....
Smile and have a good day! How often does that pool guy stop by??
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Grace - thanks for stopping by Kissak - I'm having a better day...feel calm and in control (mostly lol)
Had meeting with H this morning....and we had a full blown R discussion. And I actually feel good about it....that's a first.
When I got to Starbucks I found him starring out of the window with a fixed stare. He didn't move, I don't think he even blinked the whole time I was getting my coffee, maybe 5 minutes. He was like in a trance. Finally he noticed me, btw he looked drawn, bags under his eyes...no smile...the usual, I guess.
There was very little business stuff to discuss so after it was done, we were silent, but nobody was getting up...I think that we both needed to talk...so when he said "Is there anything else that you want to talk about?" I replied with a question "Do you?" Him back at me "Don't answer the question with a question". I said "You are right there is lots to talk about, but what's the point?" he said "We said that we will keep it to business but if you want to say something say it"
As you can see we were kind of ping-ponging for a while. So I started, we talked about everything, past and present. I wasn't holding back, although I was careful trying not to assign blame...
We talked for a long time, it got little heated at times and obviously we disagreed on many things, but he wasn't getting that defensive or angry.
He was happily holding on to his re-written history of our marriage...that's obviously something I totally disagree with him on, but I told him that it's just my view and obviously his is different so lets agree to disagree. I wasn't pushing, I tried to state the facts the way I see them without blame. I also talked about me and my issues and acknowledged how they had contributed to our problem. He still doesn't admit any wrongs...he still blames me...but he listened.
We actually agreed that accept for one thing our marriage really didn't have any real problems. That one thing is...intimacy...or rather not enough of it...granted it did get a little stale in the past couple of years. Very common in long term marriages given the stresses that were present in our life at the time. Something that we should have worked on to bring some more spark back. In my opinion very fixable with communication...we can't read each other's mind. We actually talked about it quite productively today. I told him that I'm very disappointed that he would trow away 37 years without giving us a chance to address what was bothering him and fix it. That he never came to me and told me that he was unhappy and that he just decided to have an affair instead. It obviously got out of hand and he got emotionally involved and thinks that the grass is greener on the other side.
Told him that one day when the dust settles he will have to deal with all of this. He asked "Do you think that I will regret what I have done?" I said "For your sake I hope not, but yeah I think you will"
I also talked about my feelings, my pain, anger, disappointment and how I'm working through it...this wasn't said to make him feel guilty, it was actually quite an intimate exchange and he listened.
H still denies that he is going through MLC, but was open and asked questions when I mentioned some articles or books that I have read on R subject.
He is worried that I hate him...told him that I don't but I'm angry.
He worries that I think that he is a bad person...I said I don't think that, but I do think that you have made some bad choices.
He said "I didn't think that you loved me anymore". I asked if he thinks that now..he replied NO, I know that you love me. And then he said "Don't think that I don't have any feelings for you, because I do" I said "obviously not enough to change what you are doing right now"
This post is getting to be too long. We have talked about many things. Can't remember it all right now, so if I think of something else I will mention it in a later post.
I was calm and rational, on occasion I got little emotional and had to dab on a tear in the corner of my eye, overall handled myself well and came across pretty strong.
I wasn't holding off, I didn't really validate or DB. I just said it as I saw it...not tip-toeing around him anymore. But I was trying to be respectful to his feelings and opinions even when I didn't agree with him. No jabbing, sarcasm or making him feel guilty.
He responded well, got ruffled only couple of times, but listened and hopefully took from it something to think about.
I also told him at the end that I'm getting on with my life, that I would rather live it with him, but that I will find happiness without him also.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Very, very well done, Mila, on how you handled the convo and yourself.
For the record, I don't think it's not DBing to have the occasional R discussion (when your S is in the right frame of mind). The DBing part comes in with how you comport yourself, showing a new calm, strength of mind, confidence and control over your emotions. Tomorrow he may not remember the conversation, or may have rewritten it ... but in the long run, he will probably be impressed by the new you.
A warning to Newbies...Mila was in a GREAT frame of mind and ahndled herself amazingly well. She did it from a place of strength and not weakness logically without letting emotion control her...
Most people cannot, and THAT is why R talks are usually not a good thing. Now if she had a similar talk 2-3 more times this week...it would be FAR too much, normally. But every now and then?
You did awesome Mila.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well done. I had the same type of talk with my H last weekend. On reflection I think it was a positive interaction just as yours was.
Although I was worried about it at the time H has come back to visit the kids and was courteous and pleasant with me. His depression has made him become distant but that had started before our discussion.
GREAT JOB!