YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!! Congratulations on your great convo with H and thank you for sharing it with us. You must be riding an incredible rollercoaster of emotions over the past few days, between your convo with FIL and H. I would not be surprised if H withdraws after this type of intimate conversation, so please prepare yourself for this possibility. Be good to yourself and vent your emotions here. We are here for you.
Originally Posted By: Mila
We actually agreed that accept for one thing our marriage really didn't have any real problems. That one thing is...intimacy...or rather not enough of it...
Wow! Just wow! What an admission from your H.
With respect to the intimacy issue, I think that you may find the "Intimacy and Desire" book helpful. For me, that book has been a compass for me as I floundered, trying to find a blueprint for how I could rebuild my life and move forward after my D. This book is written by a marriage and $ex therapist (30 years experience) so he addresses $exual issues as well as relationship issues. What I really like about his approach is that it is all based on building true intimacy in a relationship and he gives specific strategies for doing this. You can work on the majority of this book's content even if you are not in a committed relationship at present. This is not a book about tricks to spice up the bedroom (i.e. lacy lingerie, role-playing, different maneuvers) although the last few chapters do describe exercises couples can do together (i.e. hugging til relaxed, looking into each others' eyes).
When I read this the first time (I plan to read it a few more times) I did so with the intention of trying to lay the foundation for moving forward, but in the book's pages the power of intimate soul sharing came through to me....and I thought "why not start practicing with XH right now"? Even if we drift apart, I can certainly use the practice. XH responded positively, but then withdrew into his man cave.
Maybe this is a good time for Mila (and many of us) to figure out how to build greater intimacy in our relationships??? It seems as though that would draw other genuine people into our lives.
First off, I agree with everyone that the convo with your H was handled perfectly.
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I wasn't holding off, I didn't really validate or DB. I just said it as I saw it...not tip-toeing around him anymore. But I was trying to be respectful to his feelings and opinions even when I didn't agree with him. No jabbing, sarcasm or making him feel guilty.
IMO…this was maybe the closure that you needed for YOU. I’ve had short R conversations like this with the STBXW – nothing this long or detailed. I think you did exceptional and I can only imagine how hard this was for you.
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He still doesn't admit any wrongs
And you know that he may not for a very long time. That is why the above closure conversation I think was important for you. I have begun to accept that the MLCer may never acknowledge their role in the M. We however, must…
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This is the best approach for my personality as well, this dim/dark stuff is so not me...but it has it's place and it has helped me to detach more
Same for me Mila….the dark approach just does not work. It is not who I am. Throw kids in the mix and well…dim is the best that I get. I think you detached to the point that you were able to have an open, adult, honest conversation.
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im not as angry for the past few days and I really miss the connection that we still had.
I think with time and detachment the anger kind of subsides. I feel for you Mila – I know how that “lost connection” feeling came make you feel…so I’m sending you some (((((())))))).
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Best thing that happened to me today was watching our pool guy attending to the pool wearing his muscle shirt....that's pretty sad if that is the highlight of my day...but he looked good LOL’
FTR….that was ME…LMAO…..
You sound strong…don’t cycle like I did…who am I kidding – we all do.. if you do snap out of it. Oh…btw…glad you had a good day at the pool. Mine is green right now…so many chemicals in it and I still can’t get the darn thing right. Btw …know any company that contract out pool “girls” (just kidding….LOL)
Keep the head up..
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Boy, Mila, you sure did bring your A game. This is something he will be thinking about for some time and processing.
Originally Posted By: Mila
I told him that I'm very disappointed that he would trow away 37 years without giving us a chance to address what was bothering him and fix it. That he never came to me and told me that he was unhappy and that he just decided to have an affair instead. It obviously got out of hand and he got emotionally involved and thinks that the grass is greener on the other side.
Told him that one day when the dust settles he will have to deal with all of this. He asked "Do you think that I will regret what I have done?" I said "For your sake I hope not, but yeah I think you will"
Cyrena, Jack, Libby, SA, GAG, Eric, CW & M&H. Thank you for the pats on the back
I still feel good about the convo, it's not going to change anything in my sitch right now, but I think that the we were really listening to each other for the first time since the last false R and that can't be bad. I did feel more closeness and some of the old intimacy back. Got some points across that I hope he will think about.
I know that he misses having me in his life, and hates being cut off, he even brought it up. Said that he would like to be friends and "I guess it makes a difference to you when I'm with OW, because you were friendlier when I broke up with her" Duh....
Cyrena - Good point, he may not remember the conversation and likely will re-write it to suit his current state of mind...
Jack - Feels good not to get any 2x4s for a change My feeling is that we will have more talks like this and I could have another one today lol...but you are right....slowly does it...timing is everything
Libby - I know about your convo with H last week, you were worried...glad you "reflected on it". I think it's OK to "release the pressure" once in a while. My H was emailing me 1/2 hr after the meeting, wondering if I would go to a networking meeting with him...I said OK. He replied that he is happy that I will come.
SA - Yeah I got my PH for the day
GAG - This sure is a crazy week - I feel like a "manic depressive" One day down, next day up..... Judging from H's emails - he is not "withdrawing"...the opposite....I think that because I actually talked to him (first time in about 6 weeks) he thinks that everything is now "better" between us. I look forward to reading the "Intimacy and Desire"
Erik - I think that you are right...it does feel like a closure in some ways. I know that it was the first time that I talked to him from position of strength, not worrying how what I say will affect the outcome of our sitch. Because I know the outcome of our stich as it stands right now...we are done, I'm moving on....could something change in the future? Possibly, but I will deal with that when that time comes...I have dropped the rope and it's liberating and empowering.
LOL...look at me all hyped up and ready to conquer the world... I'm sure that I will cycle again and that he will get to me again....but moving along one day at the time....
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FTR….that was ME…LMAO…..
HAHAHA Erik...
BTW - the pool guy was back yesterday, he still looked good, but he kind of spoiled the mood when he handed me the $700 bill
CW - thank you hon
M&H - I sure hope that at least something from that convo will tickle his gray cells...but who knows...the fog is still pretty thick....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
My feeling is that we will have more talks like this and I could have another one today lol...but you are right....slowly does it...timing is everything
This is a Greed/Need thing.
You do not really need it, and you'll scare him away from future conversations if you push. ALSO you'll be 'expecting' the next one to go as well as this last one did...
Have you noticed what happens when you 'expect' things when dealing with an MLCer?
I do not always swing 2x4's. : ) I'd like to think my 2x4's are designed to either get a persons dander up...to get mad at themselves and burn that for a bit longer to stand and evalute...or to get them thinking.
The day I use a 2x4 for a sick need to feel better about myself by putting someone down? That is the day I will delete this account.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
- you nailed it and I absolutely recognize that. I'm elated from the last convo, but being on this rollercoaster for a while, I can see how the next one could be a total disaster.
Oh boy...did I ever notice what expectations with MLC could do to me.
Sorry Jack, I didn't mean to be negative when I mentioned the 2x4. They were always deserved...and appreciated. You know that I love your candor and honesty
You are a great guy and I really respect your opinion, that's why I was happy to get your approval on the last one.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I know the $700 was a total shock....he did fix the pool heater and did some other smaller repair jobs around the pool...but still...didn't expect it to be that much...
Good news - My Plan B is moving along faster then I anticipated. Started the registration process for my classes so I can get re-licensed and was told that I don't have to take them...all I have to do is to take the final exam. That's great, it will save me lots of money and months of time and I can take the exam anytime I'm ready. SA that is another PH
H emailed that he would like to work in the garden again...I didn't reply yet. I'm playing tennis in the morning then going for coffee with my tennis buddies and out for appies and drinks at night with my GF....in between I would like to suntan by the pool...don't need him around while I'm relaxing...or maybe why not, I can suntan and he can work....
Took the car to the garage today and as I was giving him the car the technician was trying to be funny and said "I will need your car keys and all of your money...you can keep your children and your Husband"...I replied "You can have my Husband"....he though that that was very funny....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
XH responded positively, but then withdrew into his man cave.
