No one has answered the question about being dark because there is no cut and dry answer. It isn't like you do it for six months and that will make them miss you so much that all will be ok. There will be no more anger or spew or stuff.
If I remember reading correctly, you asked for this because you were wanting to stop all of his spew that came out when you did talk. So you did it for yourself. You did it so that you could heal.
Answer a question for yourself, as honestly as you can possibly be with yourself right now.
IF you were to talk to him, AND he either A) didn't say he missed you, wants to come home, etc...or B) began all of the angry hate filled spew that you got used to hearing or C) both...would you be able to hear it and NOT sink into a pit of despair, hurt, and anger? Would you be able to accept it for what it is, MLC spew, and let it roll off of your back or would you be devastated?
This is what SA means when she says you will know the right time. Only you know where you are and what your reaction would be.
I think, forgive me if I am presumptious, that you had a small sliver of hope that you asking him to not contact you, would make him miss you, make him become the pursuer, and make him realize that he was making a mistake.
If he is MLC, that is not likely to happen because of one simple comment, and right now, not likely to happen at all because he is still in his tunnel.
MLC, takes a very long time sweetie. It just does. We can wish it away, we can do things to try to shorten it, but there just isn't a way to shorten someone else's healing process. For some, that process may never end. They may never heal.
MLC, happens, because the healing process has begun. Feelings, from events that were traumatic, events that stunted them in their emotional growing, begin to resurface. That is scary, overwhelming. Because our MLCer's don't have the skills needed to deal with these things, they run. They try every thing that they can think of to ignore or stuff these things back down where they were buried. For some it works well enough that they can stay stuck, never really being happy, but never understanding what they need to do to become happy. Others, begin to allow that process to continue, but at a very slow pace. That is WHY this takes so long...
Your H, was career military. He has some of that stuff to deal with as well. I had a friend who was a Marine. Did a police action in Haiti in the 90's while they were having their civil war. Upon his return, his debriefing consisted of "you are not to speak of the things that you witnessed while you were there". Isn't our military just wonderful?
Some of the things he witnessed, but was not allowed to interfere in...a person being placed inside of car tires and set on fire, being chased by a man with a machete, voodoo rituals, horrors that I won't even repeat. If he had listened and not spoken about these things, and he only did with me and a therapist, he would probably be more of a mess right now than he is. He was very changed by all of it. And he felt, for a long time upon returning, that he was not allowed to turn anywhere. Our military did not want to even consider that this could have been traumatic for him.
So, Punkin, you will know when it is time to have contact. The answer is when YOU are ready. And only you know when that will be.
I did like your thought on SA's thread about taking the grandkids out. Take this time, get to know them, enjoy them, teach them things. Laugh, live, and love with them.
Take Jack's suggestion, get out in those mountains and enjoy the beauty that is around you.
Learn to appreciate life through Punkin's eyes, heart, and mind.
If you can banter with my friend Jack, you can do these things.
I promise.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat - you are absolutely right. I hoped that having no contact with me would make him miss me, like I missed him. No such luck. And that leaves me with the unanswerable question "How come I hurt so bad and he doesn't" You are right about the military, too. We were months away from our 'dream retirement' and he just flipped out. I'd been trying to get him to seek counseling for months, if not years.
Oh, Crap! The moment just arrived. I got a call from a psychologist that my husband had been referred to by the military, and she hadn't received a call from him. I called him to give him the message. He called me back. We spoke and I gave him the message, He asked if anyone had looked at the house yet. We talked briefly about that. He asked if we were going to be able to settle out of court on this, and I responded that I wasn't able to talk about a divorce with him while the OW was in the picture. He changed the subject and said he was being sent out to Ft.Sill for processing out of the Army.He asked if I was working and did I have any money. I told him I was okay. He asked again, did I have any money. I again told him I was okay. First contact in 5 weeks.
Don't know how I feel now, I'm shaking from hearing his voice after so long a time. Tearing up.
I took a Xanax and took a nap. DIL woke me asking if I could watch her two tomorrow afternoon. These are two grands from my stepson so I am more than happy to oblige. OMG! He actually talked to me in a normal tone of voice, kept saying he didn't want to argue, worried if I had any money. Baby steps, right JTB, baby steps?
I took a Xanax and took a nap. DIL woke me asking if I could watch her two tomorrow afternoon. These are two grands from my stepson so I am more than happy to oblige. OMG! He actually talked to me in a normal tone of voice, kept saying he didn't want to argue, worried if I had any money. Baby steps, right JTB, baby steps?
It's Saturday, and I'm trying to get some cleaning done around the house. Babysat my grandson Braeden last night. Two more on the way over now. After talking to WH yesterday, my stomach and nerves have been in constant uproar. Didn't sleep much at all. I know I should not have any expectations just because he talked to me in a normal voice. Heart and Head are still battling it out over what is best. Can't get my hands and legs to stop shaking, even today. Just that short talk with him did all this to me. Had to take another Xanax this morning. I work for dr's so I know about Xanax and sleeping pills, which I have been trying to avoid as of late, but I'm so tired. I just want all this to end so badly, one way or the other.
One of my SIL, who is big into homeopathic medicine and natural cures, advised me to use the ago-old remedy of writing my anger down and burning it. While I have kept a journal of sorts, I haven't been burning it. So, at his suggestion, I did just that. I wrote all my angry feelings down, 2 pages, and along with the other pages i had written, burned them in my granite sink. And I have to admit, I truly feel better! My house is full of smoke, but I feel better.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Happy Father's Day to Moms & Dads alike, filling in for the absent parent. My children are all grown. Some will call their father today. Some will not. It's very sad.
My mind is still confused and filled with dark thoughts. Still looking towards the light but like most nightmares, it seems to get farther away the closer I get.
Here's a toast to all of us out here doing double duty with our children and grandchildren!
Had a very long roller coaster ride this weekend after talking to WH on Friday. Having to consider the reality of the situation. My children believe, as I secretly do in my heart, that when OW dumps him, he will wake up and come back wanting me to make it better, just like I always have. I don't want that. I can't be what he "settles for". No matter how messed up he is in his head, I can't fill that void in him anymore. I've done some very painful soul searching this weekend, and an moving towards some conclusions.
