New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for the guidance. Been dark for 3 weeks now. No significant news to report. I understand the "I get it" speech. Sounds like the river of no return...Not sure yet if I'm ready for that. Maybe because once the "I get it" speech is launched there is no turning back. Like you said "the next step will probably be D".

The boundary I set up with the finances is still holding. I just deposit the money in her account each month and that's it. I don't check what she spends it on. I don't want to snoop. I do keep track of each deposit I make so there is never a doubt that I didn't fulfill my financial obligations towards the children.

Here is a little development. Not sure if it means anything at all: My sister calls me and tells me she has been corresponding with my W on Facebook. My sister didn't want to tell me in the beginning, but finally shared this info last week. Apparently they actually started recently.

My sister and W have always been good friends, but have not kept in touch since W and I separated. I just told my sister to not tell me anything about what they talk about. I asked her to keep all her conversations with W private. I don't want W to think I'm using my sister to get to W. I was wondering, if W wants to stay separated or divorce, then why initiate contact with my sister? Just a question.

Still looking forward to my time with the Boys. It will be great. I can't wait.

JR

[MichelleLT]

It does sound like the river of no return.

That's the point.

To take off all the pressure. To make them feel like they are truly losing you.

Then you watch and wait. A lot of them start having second thoughts, start thinking of the good history, the things they'll be losing.

It's definitely about a 95% closing the door.

But I don't think any of us, even when we've resigned ourselves to the D, ever truly give up hope. Deep down, I think all of us who got D'd held out hope til the day it finalized that our STBXs would wake up and say let's stop the paperwork.

The door is only as closed as you make it. If you give the speech, you have to be prepared for the consequences, which definitely could be D. But that doesn't mean you can't keep the door open a little still.

Interesting about your sister and W. I always kept in touch with my SIL, so we never had a break in communication that I can relate to. But it is definitely interesting that she is trying to revive the friendship there. Again, it means one of two things. She is reaching out towards your family to feel out their reaction to her because she is thinking about R, or she is feeling like enough time has passed since the S that she can have a friendship with your sister that is not based on her being M to you.

You can always wait and see.

Good job on the NC.

[JR09]

Michelle, Thanks for the insight.

Speaking about my W keeping in touch with my sister, my family still loves my W as if nothing ever happened. They always remind me to tell her how much she is missed and loved, all throughout these past two years. My family is very forgiving. All my brothers, sisters and parents have nothing but love for my W. Isn't that something?

Again, I understand the concept of the "I get it" speech. I'll have to give it extra consideration. I understand once I say it, it's a no looking-back move...with the door still slightly open... Tough decision to make. But after two years of limbo, I guess anything is better than limbo, right? Gotta think about this more...THANKS Michelle!!!

JR

[JR09]

I called to chat with the boys tonight. At one point my S7 asked me if I wanted to talk to Mom. I resisted the urge and just asked him to give the phone to S11. It's been 3 weeks now since W and I haven't talked on the phone. I deliberately chose NOT to call W anymore.

I figured she told me once we may not be divorced on paper but she fells she is "already divorced in her mind". So I decided to not have any more contact over the phone. Trying to apply the NC technique. I read everywhere on this forum that the faster you detach, the better your chances of attracting your W back...

However, pretty soon, I'll have to call or email her because I need to find out the details about us linking up halfway so I can have the boys for two weeks. Shall I just email her or shall I call? My briefly reestablishing contact will probably reset the clock for the NC technique.

Insight anyone?

JR

[JR09]

Many experts on this forum say that the WAS needs to regain respect in the LBS. I thought a lot about that. I can say that my W hasn't been talkative at all during our last phone contacts. I usually would ask questions without much of a reply coming from my W.

I have to say that I decided to go dark for the past 3 weeks because I was kind of tired of trying to elicit any type of response from my W. So I figure if she doesn't want to talk, then maybe I should just quit talking myself and waste my time trying.

Can going dark and making a stand about it send a message to the WAS that I'm tired of her non-responsive attitude, so I am "openly" showing thru going dark that I'll just shut up from now on and regain some respect by not subjecting myself to her silence? Does this make sense?

JR

[healthydad]

Hi JR,
I think it might be more important to think about respect in terms of yourself first and foremost - having respect for yourself goes a long way toward having the respect of another person. I think it's a good thing that you went dark - though I believe that you should do so not to spite your wife or because of her, but because it could/would give you an opportunity to focus more on yourself as well.

Perhaps it might help to stop thinking of the outcome of your actions - and put more of your time and attention on why you would do what you do - for yourself and your children. A healthy kind of selfishness can go a long way to feeling and being stronger - granted, there's plenty of unhealthy selfishness in this world...but sometimes I think that learning to put yourself first in a compassionate way actually leaves you in a better position to be there for others - especially your children.

I don't know what to make of your W's contact with your sister...could mean nothing, could mean something - either way, it's best for you to do as you've decided to do - not get involved and go on with your life.

When will you see your boys again?

-carlos.

[MichelleLT]

You will never have complete and total NC when kids are involved.

The only thing you can do is limit contact to things about the children.

Make contact however it works best. And get that stuff sorted out so that you're not stressing at the last minute. (Question - did she always coordinate stuff previous to your S? Has she since?) Would it be more of a 180 for you to wait for her, or take the initiative?

Carlos is dead on.

Respect is about you. Treat yourself with respect, treat her and the kids with respect. Don't let yourself be treated without respect - get out of situations when that happens.

Don't worry too much about her. You are doing enough if you are being respectful and polite and thinking about the kids best interests.

Just worry about you and the kids.

If she can't realize what she's missing out on, what she's giving up, that is her loss.

As Frank Sinatra said: "The best revenge is massive success."

[JR09]

Hey Michelle and Carlos (GREAT to hear from you!!!)

Thanks to both of you for the good insight. I'll have to make contact soon so I can coordinate my link up with W and be with the kids. I would usually call her to make plans for our link up.

So I guess a good 180 would be for me to wait for her to make the first contact and tell me what she has in mind. My military mind likes to have a good plan A, a plan B, and execute plan A in a seemless way.

That's how it's been during my marriage and after the S. Maybe I definitely need to step back and let her drive the train for a change. After all, she always used to tell me that she always ends up doing what "I" want...Good insight, Michelle.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Hmmm. Maybe you can take the tactic of just asking, what did you want to do about meeting up so I can get the kids? Try and be a little more solicitous of her input.

There are things worth standing up for, having time with the kids, making sure the kids are being taken care of. Those are the big things, the important things. The things worth drawing the line in the sand for.

Maybe you can leave more of the details up to her though?

[JR09]

OK, Michelle, I'll do that. Your line of approach sounds really good. I think if I let my W come up what her ideas on how, when to link up, that would be really good. I'll do that for sure.

Yesterday was a good GAL day for me. I spent the day with an old friend I haven't seen in 13 years. We did some sightseeing in the area and talked a lot to catch up on each others' lives. It turns out he also is going through serious marriage issues.

The situation is that in his case, he is the STBWAS and his W is the pursuer. Him and her have been married for 16 yrs with a lot of put downs and lack of respect on the W's side. I was able to share my experience with him and told him about the DB techniques I've been using to get some results. This is really ironic because he was at my wedding and I was at his, and here we are 13 years later in the same predicament with our spouses...

Anyway, good visit and GAL with my friend. I'll do what you suggested Michelle. Thanks for being a great battle buddy on the frontlines of DB.

JR