Yup, I am not impressed with the financials..., but I again don't want to contaminate Larry's program... If you are happy with it so far lets see what he can do...
I've been reading your thread and can't believe how similar our sitches are (although H and I have reconciled). My H who works in the University system had a PA with his assistant - a grad student who was 20 years younger than him. The PA lasted about 3 months after OW dumped H as soon as she got a good reference from him. She moved right along onto other unsuspecting victims - H was devastated and continued to pursue her for about a year after the PA ended. As in your case, at one point OW told H she would charge me with harrassment when, at the beginning of our sitch, I tried contacting her a few times to try to talk some sense into her - foolish move on my part but it quickly confirmed to me just what type of person she really was. Of course H took her side. She told H she was afraid I knew where she lived and I would try something. I thought of exposing their A at H's work but didn't have the guts to do it. Much later on H told me he wished I had exposed before he had gotten so involved with her. Interesting! During all this time H was hanging out with 20 year olds. Although we are now living in another city far away from OW, H is still in the university system and continues to have a social circle of 20 something year olds. We are now living together but have a lot of work to do to get our M on track.
These are some of the similarities I noticed as I was reading. I will continue to check in from time to time to see how you're doing.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I told him that I had little patience for the drama and felt that it was one of the reasons WH was initially attracted to me, because I'm self-sufficient and not high-maintenance. Heck, I even drove myself to the hospital with our first born!
To which Larry responded, "It WAS one of the reasons he was attracted to you - because with you making good money and taking care of everything at home, it meant he got meals/laundry/sex with very little effort so he could focus on his primary concern: himself.
"You placed no demands or boundaries on him, which is why he worked 80 hrs a week without accounting for himself. He resents the kids and has no use for a clingy, demanding woman - which is what you became after you discovered the affair.
Wow!!! All this really resonates with me. You see, I am very self-sufficient (I'm the one working and supporting the family and have done so for most of our M) and low maintenance. I also drove myself to the hospital for the birth of our S and H almost missed the birth. Like yours, my H is a workaholic eventhough he's not financially successful. He's always been self-centered and very selfish. Just a few more similarities I noticed.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Thanks for your comments! It's nice to know there are others out there like me, but I regret the commonality that led us to this forum. In all those years of supporting him in his goals, I never once dreamed that when we finally reached the summit, he'd push me off in favor of a younger model.
Alas, these students are EVERYWHERE! The first semester he taught, one of his female undergrads came to his office and told him she'd "do ANYTHING" do raise her grade. He was scandalized THEN - back before the MLC. Now? He'd probably go along.
On another board, I connected with several university wives, one of whom was divorcing her husband after 29 years. Her mother had gotten sick, she had to deal with hospital runs and end of life issues, and after she buried her mother and was ready to refocus on her world-renowned husband after about six months, it was only to discover that he was having a hot, steamy PA with one of his grad students, who had decided to fast track her career by becoming his 2nd wife. She got her wish.
Another was a female prof who said she's been in faculty meetings where profs "high five" each other for sleeping with students. She also said in 25 years in academia, the only prof she'd seen reprimanded was a woman who had a fling with a male student. It's a "good old boy" network for sure.
My WH and OW have been at this for 3+ years at this point. I've exposed and exposed and have only driven him further away. He refuses to believe that she's using him. He'll get his wake up call eventually...
When DD 10 was about 3, she'd do something naughty and get scolded. Her response? "I don't understand why you're punishing ME - it was BAD me that did that! We started referring to her parallel universe as "{DD's name} World," after "Elmo's World" on Sesame Street.
Yesterday, when WH didn't show for dinner as scheduled, DD 10 said, out of the blue, "When is he going to stop living in {WH's name} World and rejoin reality?" I nearly choked on my food.
It's insightful, because this is something Larry talks about extensively - only he calls the BAD alter ego "Freddy," as in "Nightmare on Elm Street" Freddy.
You know how in cartoons when the main character comes to a crossroads and an angel and a devil appear on either shoulder, giving him the pros and cons of a situation? Larry says the angel is the real person, the devil is their "Freddy."
When someone starts acting completely out of character, like during an affair or MLC, it's because their Freddy has taken over their bodies. It's NOT them; it's their BAD them.
The problem is, you can't spank or give your spouse a time out to try to suppress their BAD them - you have to get smarter and much more creative in order to outwit their Freddy (unless you consider a 180 a MAJOR time out! LOL!).
So next time your WS acts like a spoiled brat, remember it's their BAD them - they've entered {WS's name} -and try not to take it too personally...
When someone starts acting completely out of character, like during an affair or MLC, it's because their Freddy has taken over their bodies. It's NOT them; it's their BAD them.
The problem is, you can't spank or give your spouse a time out to try to suppress their BAD them - you have to get smarter and much more creative in order to outwit their Freddy (unless you consider a 180 a MAJOR time out! LOL!).
So next time your WS acts like a spoiled brat, remember it's their BAD them - they've entered {WS's name} -and try not to take it too personally...
I don't know Red. I think ownship of one's behavior at all times is essential. I can not see excusing behavior for a MLC, etc. I am not a fan of the "devil made me do it" excuse, IMO.... Esp. when the offense is very grevious.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Oh, don't get me wrong, June - I'm not excusing the behavior. It's COMPLETELY inexcusable. But this angel/devil combo is also the ONLY logic explanation I've heard to describe what happened to both of us.
Let me explain:
The lying, sneaking, cheating, stranger in my house who answers to my husband's name is NOT the man I married. I have SO many memories of my smart, sexy, knight in shining armor that when I look back at my "love movies" over the years, I can't believe it's the same guy who's acting like such a jerk today.
Back then, he acted like a man. Today, he acts like a spoiled brat.
But then again, I have my own issues.
When I sought to expose WH earlier this year, it took me 5 different cameras and DOZENS of tries over weeks and WEEKS at ALL HOURS to get the incriminating video of OW dropping off WH on a side street near our house. I became OBSESSED with getting the video to PROVE MY POINT, and devoted hours and HOURS to the scheme. I was like a woman possessed, like an alien had taken over my body.
Excuse me, but...WHO DOES that?!
Why didn't I just grab him by the balls when I discovered it and say, "WTF are you doing, you lying, cheating b*stard! How stupid do you think I am?"
But N-O-O! I was DETERMINED to get the video, to PROVE to everyone that I WAS RIGHT and HE WAS WRONG so he couldn't try and weasel out of it.
It's beyond comprehension NOW, but that was MY Freddy at work THEN. I was literally CONSUMED by jealously and a need for revenge.
SO I can COMPLETELY understand this nasty, insidious unseen foe taking over someone's thoughts, because he had hold of mine for MONTHS, trying to extract revenge.
Our "angels" working together = happy marriage. Our "devils" fighting each other = broken marriage.
I've since snapped out of it and have learned how to control my "Freddy" because believe me, my creativity + "hell hath no fury" = a powerful, destructive force.
It gave WH PLENTY of ammo. He went around covering his tracks telling everyone, "I don't know WHO she is, but that's NOT the woman I married!"
And he was right, it wasn't. I'd turned into a vindictive little b*tch to combat his lying, cheating a$$.
Classy, huh?
Not one of my prouder moments, especially since it pushed our marriage closer to the finish line. But NOW I understand why I did it, why I suspended logic in the quest for revenge.
That scheming, revengeful creature is no more the woman my husband married than this lying, cheating egomaniac is the man I said "I do" to all those years ago.
In talking to Larry, he says he's lost track of the number of people he's talked to over the years who FINALLY wake up from their MLC coma only to be shocked and appalled by all the damage their "Freddies" wrought on their families while they were asleep.
Most often repeated phrase: "I didn't know what I had!"
Unfortunately, my WH is STILL in his coma. We were talking money again this morning and I swear he sounded like a self-righteous, know-it-all sixteen year old. I wanted to slap him. I walked away instead.
He DOES have moments of lucidity, though. After our fight this morning, he showered and got ready for work and said something SO sweet to DD 12 before he left that I had to go upstairs, cry, and throw a pity party for myself.
Would that he'd turn that charm back on ME, we'd be MUCH further down the road to recovery...
And technically SR, that's not exposure anyhow... that's just collecting intel to prepare for a confrontation... and to be honest, it doens't prove an affair anyhow...
Exposure and confrontation are done with careful thought, it isnt' a vendictive activity done with obsessive fury... It's a carefully thought out plan of attack...
No, you're right - it didn't prove the affair, but it did embarrass the hell out of both of them. In the end, it didn't have much impact - except to add to his justification for running around on me in the first place.
There were other, more constructive, more impactful ways of doing it. Wish I'd chosen that path instead...<sigh>
