Many people have described this as a roller coaster. Good analogy, but I feel more like a pinball, pinged from one end of the spectrum to the other.
I actually referred to it as the "teacup" ride at one point because of all of the spinning, LOL.
Punkin,
I have to disagree with Grit. I saw no buts in your statements. No excuses.
Originally Posted By: punkin
Do I deserve better? Hell yes, but he is capable of BEING BETTER. Regardless of how he is acting now, I know inside he is a decent, loving individual - with a trainload of baggage. For the moment, this is the best I can do, and I'll give it my all.
To me, this was an acknowledgement of where you are at this point in time. What you have realized and what you are living with. No excuses. Because you didn’t say you are NOT going to try to do better.
The pills, you may need them for a while and that is ok. As time passes, as you heal, you will find you need them less and less.
Originally Posted By: Punkin
To me that is my most difficult problem. Not being able to let it out. I'm doing just what he did, letting it build and build inside me.
Sometimes, anger has to be released in waves. Think of it like a pressure valve. If you open it full blast, you will fly all over the room from the force and be totally deflated, until the pressure builds again. So you have to let a little out at a time. Fairly consistently. Until the pressure has lessened to a small level. Then when something happens with the kids or grands, and you feel it start to build, you only have that to release.
Our kids are usually the biggest button, one that we all have to find our own ways of dealing with.
Your kids are older and they need to act like responsible adults and show their father respect if and when they interact with him, NO MATTER WHAT he is doing.
While it hurts them to watch him hurt you, they should be able to find ways to deal with this like adults and help their own children understand what is going on with grandpa. Your grandchildren do not need this to skew their view of him, or damage their R with him. They are the innocents in this.
My S, has three stepgrandparents. Regardless of how I felt about them, they are still my S’s grandparents, they still love him, and that is the bottom line. He needs to understand that blood does not make his R with them any different than with his biological grandparents. AND if he ever gets a fourth one, that person will also have to be treated with the same care and respect as all of the other.
Punkin,
Honestly, what your H has done is not nice. It isn’t. Just like the rest of us. But your children are older and they should treat him as they would any other adult. As their mother, maybe you should ask them to stop relaying information about your H to you, and tell them that it is up to them to forge whatever R they choose with him.
It may just be time to take that step with them. Let them know that you don’t want them to choose sides, that you understand that they are hurt as well, but that you are a grown up, what happens between you and their father, is between you and him and let that be that.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Point taken. His last MLC 8 years ago at age 41, he never really 'left'. He came and went and came and went, and when he was home he was drinking and being ugly to me. This went on for most of a year and then he just snapped out of it, but I don't think he ever really got over it. I have a friend who suggested that all the emotions that I had clamped down on came boiling up when we talked on Friday, and that is why I was a wreck for 3 straight days.
Can you see the focus on HIM, and US in there ?
You can search for these answers forever, in the end, the answers INSIDE of YOU,are the only ones that will matter.
You have to flip that focus to start healing...
Originally Posted By: punkin
I want to stand for this marriage. I do not want a divorce. No matter what EVERYONE ELSE says.
Then that is what you should do...you just need to understand how
Originally Posted By: punkin
Do I deserve better? Hell yes, but he is capable of BEING BETTER. Regardless of how he is acting now, I know inside he is a decent, loving individual - with a trainload of baggage. For the moment, this is the best I can do, and I'll give it my all.
Let's play pin the blame on the MLCer....
Its easy to become the " Martyr" right now, and I will tell you that you are heading down the road to Bittertown....
From what I read, you're a country girl Punkin...
Ever ride a bicycle down an old one lane dirt road, that has tire ruts on each side ?
Ever get in one of those ruts, and cannot get the bike out of it ?
The harder you fight to get out, the more it fights you to stay in ?
And unless you are careful, you will end up in the ditch, when it throws you off.
Right now, that rut is your marriage, and you are trying to navigate through it without it throwing you off...
The more you fight what is around you, the harder it will be for you to get through without a skinned knee.
Stop the bike Punkin....
There is NOTHING you can do to change the events that have to play out in his head....
Channel that focus on you for now, so that you can find who you are.
I thank each and everyone of you. Grit, you tell it as you see it and that is how it should be. Cat04, your insights are usually right on; SA, you always gently remind me to how to feel better, and Mach 1, you always give me a well deserved kick in the a@@. I have been venting now for 5 days, and I feel better. Each and everyone who has responded to my rants has helped me get through this. Today, I actually feel a lot better. The best I've felt in over a week.
I stated before I was in the Replay stage. I'm not, I'm in the Angry stage and while I have no problem standing up for myself, I do have a problem keeping my mouth shut. Staying dark means I keep my mouth shut. Therefore, I am angry.
I need to get back on the road to Detachment. My old co-workers called me and want to get together for lunch tomorrow. I'm going to my daughter's home this weekend to babysit her kids ( in the same town he is in) I have no plans to either talk or try to see him.
I know that compared to so many of you out there, I'm in a good place. I don't have to deal with the dumbass, and at least for the moment I am financially sound. Self-pitying is not my usual state, nor do I want it to be. So, for the moment, at least, I am crawling out of my rut, leaving the bicycle in the ditch, and moving on with my life. (Sure you are)Don't mind her, that was my heart talking. My head has the floor.
My PA for today - having a fun lunch at a Chinese Restaurant with my friends from my last job - who still love and appreciate me as a friend!
Thanks SA
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Had a great day yesterday, lunch w/friends, then after work went with one friend to nearest Best Buy ( 80 miles) away to pick up computer parts. Didn't get home til 10 P.M. Kept busy. Looking forward to babysitting two of my grands this weekend that I don't get to see often enough.
Good for you! You go girl! I'm glad you had such a great time with your friends.
Don't ever forget your value as a person, mom, grandmother and a friend. Sometimes after our S leaves us we wonder how come we're not good enough. Just remember this isn't about you, it's about your H, and their his issues.
When my head takes over my thoughts, I feel like I should be "doing" something. Something proactive, although I know this is the part of me trying to control the uncontrollable. Thoughts like I should be asking my lawyer to have the divorce dismissed, since it's just sit there for over 2 months, with no response from his since I countered. Logic dictates that its just a piece of paper. In the long haul, it means nothing.
Letting go means letting go and letting God. Not letting go and letting my lawyer. Does anyone ever feel this way?
Logic dictates that its just a piece of paper. In the long haul, it means nothing.
It is just a piece of paper. It is too bad that when we get that piece of paper, it doesn't make the pain go away and make us whole again never to look back.
I do understand the letting go and letting God. I have to remind myself that if my H wanted to be with me, he would be and I deserve to have someone in my life that WANTS to be with me. Now about letting the lawyer, only when it is a matter of necessity!
I've decided that saying ANYTHING is what I'm doing from here forward is a complete waste of time, because I'm still about as mentally rock solid as ice cream on a hot day. Wishy-washy is what I call it. (SIGH) All I can do is the best I can do from one day to the next, like most of us out there.
My WH and his problems are becoming less of the purpose of my life, but now I'm somewhat stuck for a purpose. I know all the positives of my life and I have to focus on them.
I used to hate when this song came on the radio when I was a kid, but "One day at a time, Sweet Jesus"
Sometimes, it is best to do nothing. When I don't know what to do, I generally don't. The times I have made a decision and acted on it out of X (you pick the emotion) instead of clarity, well, let's just say I have had finer moments.
