Grace, you are absolutely right. I just wish I was better at doing nothing. As you have said, when I have acted in the past out of emotion, I have lived to regret it.
Question: My IC told me that men usually follow a pattern, in that, if they have strayed before and come back, they will repeat the pattern. Has anyone else been told this?
Those little ankle bracelets they put on in house arrest suspects, and possible a shock collar for when they strayed too far out in the yard.
No, I'm talking about mens patterns of behavior. My IC says men usually follow a pattern of behavior throughout their life, and if they came back before, they end up back again. The thing is, How to break the pattern?
While you IC is trying to be helpful and give you facts...
Facts based on statistics (which are able to be manipulated), based on results of what people say in IC (if everything was fine in your M and life, would you even be in counseling?)
I honestly do not know if it is something to even really worry about.
The truth of the matter is, if your H strays, comes and goes, he may or may not do it again.
If you met someone new, whose history you know nothing about, that person may or may not exhibit the exact same behavior your H has.
The ONLY way to protect yourself from it, is to make the choice to remain ALONE for the rest of your life.
While it is helpful to be aware of the possibilities, you can't let them and fear rule your decisions.
If you wanted a puppy but you knew it would more than likely pee on the floor, would that stop you from getting it?
Probably not...
If I had not allowed my H to come back after his first crisis, I would have missed out on a lot of good years and good times that did occur between his crisis. While I have made the choice to not reunite with him this time (if he were to ever want that), it is not based on the fact that this happened more than once. That really was not a factor in my decision at all.
While I am afraid that it could happen again, that I get cheated on and left again, I also have refused to let that fear screw up my new R. While it has reared its ugly head and tried very hard, and I have whined my way through those fears to a great degree (TY to my friends who have listened to me and smacked me when I've needed it), I have faith that even if it happens, I am more than strong enough to survive it and eventually thrive again. It is the risk that I am willing to take to love someone and allow them to love me.
So really, it isn't about the signifigant other in my life, but about me. What risks I am willing to take with my heart. Which fears I am willing to allow to control me and which fears I refuse to let take hold.
So the choice is yours, is this a fear that you are going to let dictate your decisions or are you going to look it in the eyes, acknowledge the possibilities, and be willing to take the risk anyway?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks Cat04 - Here's the scary part. I don't know if this possibility terrifies me because he might come back and it happen again- or if I'm afraid he won't come back at all and I'm looking for a loophole for his return.
I've spent a lot of time this last week looking at my WH with a new perception, and it's not all that great. Sure, they were things I knew, but I suppressed because of love.
Still, all in all I feel I have taken a step forward. Seeing him as the not so perfect person he likes to be seen as. My fault in this? I let him think it, even built his ego around it. Built him up to the kids and grands when it was me doing all the work. Co-dependent.
It may all be true, but it's certainly not pleasant.
Wow punkin - I've had the very same issues. I have always placed H in the highest regard. Felt so lucky that someone like him would choose someone like me. Went to great lengths not to embarrass him or burden him. Thinking that he had this awesome discipline and high standard. Thought that he was someone who saw life not from a material side - but from more of a quality side. When the second bomb dropped, I was in the midst of losing weight. Funny, I had gotten to a point where I started doing it for me and no one else. Then as the weight came off - I started dressing a little better but not showy - it's not me. I think he was disappointed. Glad for me as a friend - disappointed because he wanted a "tier 1" beauty queen (that's what he thought he deserved) and I remained a "tier 2" ordinary lady. Wonder if MLC reveals lifelong thoughts or are these new ones that begin to develop in the MLC cycle?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, I've known inside for years that he was not the God he saw in his own eyes. I just thought it was my duty as a loving wife to perpetuate the lie. Even the kids saw through it. I've lost so much weight ( the grief diet, I wouldn't recommend it) that everytime I squirm on the seat of the lawn tractor, it thinks I've gotten off and tries to quit. I'm not looking haggard, actually really good, but I haven't been this small since before my Hysterectomy in 2001. As for dress, my kids did tell me I dressed like an old lady, but you know, I've been happy with my age, with my status as a grandma. I didn't feel the need to dress as though I was going clubbing. HE certainly didn't dress for me. My job requires scrubs, so that's no problem, other than they are all too big for me.
This detaching is so very painful, yet so very eye opening.
Just a thumbs up note from me. I dragged my a@@ out of bed this morning, drove down to the pond and got my tracter unstuck by myself, mowed for a couple of hours, came back to the house and started the sprinkler on the lawn. Since I let grief and depression from getting my flowers started this year, I'm going to go out and clean out my empty flower pots and put them away for the time in the future I function normally again.
