My question to you would be, how many years has it been since you have had "good" (engaged, enthusiastic) sex pretty much whenever you wanted it?
Never. Never seen a woman have an orgasm. Never had sex "whenever I wanted it". I've had "somewhat engaged" and "somewhat enthusiastic" sex early in my marriage, which was more like "the fun of novelty" on the part of my wife.
Which is why I'm asking the question of this thread. I've never had the kind of sexual relationship I now realize I could have had, and could still have. Not sure I could ever get my wife to that point. But I just want to understand myself and what is realistic and unrealistic, not just with my wife, but with anybody.
The thing is, I now realize I was very accomodating to my wife's limitations in the early years and I assumed she'd improve over the years. I totally bought into the bogus advice from magazine columns which said that women peak sexually around age 40, etc.
Ok. The reason I asked you that is because .... you don't even know what's realistic *for you*. Truly. If you aren't having regular sex with your wife, and what sex there is isn't particularly passionate, you just can't say with any accuracy how many times you would actually want to have sex in any given week. I call this "50 Pound Steak" problem, and I see it a lot in SSMs. A starving man thinks he could eat a 50 pound steak; just let him at it! The reality of his likely behavior when he gets back to regular meals will probably be quite different. Satisfying sex 1, 2, 3, 4 times a week might be enough and more for you *if you were actually getting it*. Fantasy-and-masturbation drive is apples to oranges by comparison. Deprivation does funny things to your thought process and perceived needs.
Under those circumstances, I don't see much percentage in number-of-sexual-encounter-per-week conversations. Seems like a tangent.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Are there any women in the approximate age range 40-65 who want sex 5-10 times per week? Or are there any who would at least put up with a partner who wanted it that often? And I'm talking about imaginative, erotic, tantric sexual massage, energetic, fantasy-enhanced, loving, candlelight, etc., sex, not just cold mechanical frequency.
5 times a week - sure ... great passionate sex 10 times a week ... you're starting to get into the "this is a bit time consuming" category I think.
Women have heaps of things to do. Sex is only one of them. By the time we’ve worked, done the chores, fed the family, invested in the other things we like to do (hobbies/friends/family etc) making 15 – 20 hours a week available for sex is a bit of a stretch in my view. (I just don’t now how you’d fit it in!)
I’ve been seeing a man for several months who is v HD and we have imaginative, erotic, trantric, energetic, etc sex most days (and sometimes several times a day) but there are times when one or both of us are just too busy or too tired after slogging it out in the real world all day to devote the kind of energy that’s required to maintain that really intimate sexual encounter.
The other point I’d make is that the erotic, fantasy-enhanced, loving part only comes with time, trust and practice. I’m pretty open minded, but it’s taken me quite a long time to get to the stage I am now where I’m really comfortable making my mind and my body open to the amazing intimacy that’s available in a good sexual relationship.
Could I sustain this for years and years … you betcha.
To get high numbers you do "quickies" 5 to 10 minute jaunts that pleasure both partners. Once in a while or on the weekend you do a longer session. Thats how you get a high sex rate.
Kettricken, I'm already discounting for the "50 Pound Steak" effect by supposing that I'd be happy with an average of once a day. In my mind, I imagine I'd want sex several times a day. The thing is, I can be very accomodating, as I was early in my marriage, in that I told myself that I shouldn't really want sex as much as I really did. I had pretty strong feelings about not being that kind of pushy obnoxious guy pawing his girlfriend all the time. I realize in retrospect that I was suppressing my desires.
Kettricken, you kind of remind me of my wife, who said similar things:
"It's not normal to want sex that much" "You shouldn't need sex that much" "It's normal to have sex once a week, not every day" "Again? We just had sex yesterday!" "Again? We just had sex two days ago!"
A few times I did convince my wife to have sex twice in an evening. But a request for thirds has always been met with a laugh and, "No, I'm done!" Not that I really needed it, but I'm good for more if only she wanted it.
I survive just fine skipping a day, or even two (all sex, partnered or not), but by the 2nd or 3rd day, the erotic buildup is such that the second orgasm is often even more powerful than the first one, partnered or not.
So, by your theory, if I had actual partnered sex one day, I shouldn't want it the next day, let alone 2 or 3 times in the same day?
Perhaps I've never had sex every day for a long enough period of time to get to that "50 Pound Steak" point? I'd sure be a happy camper if my wife wanted to test your theory and see how many days of straight sex it would take before I said "enough!"
Remember those relationship sex publicity things they had several times the last few years? There was the couple in Florida who made a public thing about having sex every day for a month, and wasn't there another couple who wrote a book about having sex every day for a year? Man, I wish I was part of that experiment! I had my wife watch those reports with me, but she just thought it was ridiculous. Like who has time for that!? Oh well.
To get high numbers you do "quickies" 5 to 10 minute jaunts that pleasure both partners. Once in a while or on the weekend you do a longer session. Thats how you get a high sex rate.
Quickies, longies, in-betweenies... I'll take anything!!
Because it's been years since it was freely available to you.
And if you've *never* seen a woman have an orgasm, I don't know if you've ever had (what I would consider) really good sex. Partner engagement changes things.
So if you have these numbers in your head .... what you think you would want in the ideal sexual relationship ... all I'm saying is, if you were actually having near-ideal sex, the numbers might or might not seem so central. Getting fixated on "so many times a day" may not be in your best interests in reaching a goal of a truly satisfying sexual relationship. Unless "so many times a day" *is* your primary goal, in which case never mind.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
My opinion is in a proper long term relationshiop ( LTR ), where there is love the right things will happen. Maybe not in the exact frequency we want them, but they will happen.
What if she gives you 2 to 3 minute sessions and tells you to "hurry up", but is lovingly providing it to you?
Well, that's what it ended up being a lot of the time, just manual hand work to take care of me, as she had no needs of that kind herself. And I always wanted it to go slow, while she always wanted to finish up more quickly (which I don't blame her for, as there was no direct physical pleasure for her).
What if she gives you 2 to 3 minute sessions and tells you to "hurry up", but is lovingly providing it to you?
Well, that's what it ended up being a lot of the time, just manual hand work to take care of me, as she had no needs of that kind herself. And I always wanted it to go slow, while she always wanted to finish up more quickly (which I don't blame her for, as there was no direct physical pleasure for her).
...Because it's been years since it was freely available to you.
I understand your point, and you might be right. I don't know. But what I know is that I've always had a certain cycle/rhythm/period of about a day or two, partnered or not. I don't think it's likely that the presence of a willing partner is going to have me fall back to wanting it just once a week. Even when I had a willing partner for a few times a week, that wasn't enough, though I was "happy" with it (while supplementing it with my own solitary activity).
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And if you've *never* seen a woman have an orgasm, I don't know if you've ever had (what I would consider) really good sex. Partner engagement changes things.
Yes, I miss the experience of getting another person "there", not just myself. I think it would be a real "game changer" for me. I miss that "connection" that I imagine I would have with someone who could really mutually share sexual experience with me. It always bugged me to read those advice columns about how the considerate man makes sure his partner climaxes first -- like it's a choice?? Huh, excuse me, what advice do you have for a couple when the woman has NEVER had an orgasm? Thanks a lot, advice columnists.
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So if you have these numbers in your head
No, no, no, not just numbers, and not just in my head. I want a woman who has lots of energy for fun and sex, not just sex. A good sense of humor, talkative, erotic, etc. I have almost all of that in my wife, with the exception of her ABSOLUTE ZERO interest in sex, or even hinting about it. As I've mentioned elsewhere, she buys me Playboy calendars and such, hoping that it will take my mind off sex with her, while showing at least that she acknowledges that I have such interests and that she knows that's normal.
