No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[Steve McQueen]

Do you ride it often?

What do you think about when you are riding it?

[papayachic]

About Father's Day.....it's YOUR day. Do what will make you happy with your kids


I feel your pain about the enabling family. My H's family doesn't want to "get involved since he's a grown up" or "hurt his recovery" so they mostly all stay quiet. I believe he is now getting a little bit of backlash but not much.
His mother has become such an enabler as well. Because she's so "scared" for him, she found it perfectly acceptable for him to end mariage on a phone call; she got her BIL's to help him move to summer house and is calling around family up there to get him work. She is even sending him money! As Gucci pointed out, I was an enabler as well and I need him to fail or succeed on his own.

Have you suggested something totally out of the norm as an activity both of you can do together? Think back to the happy days, was there ever something she wanted to try but life got in the way? Something to "wake" her up?

[MrBond]

Well I decided to go to Father's Day with her. We've been spending alot of time together although she still wants to stay away. So after Father's Day, I'm going to start cutting back on the interactions.

[MrBond]

Journaling:

So last week Friday, I see my W at my D's school in the morning and she tells me that she (my daughter) wanted to have lunch together. For some reason, whenever she makes a request she always does it as if she is requesting for our Ds. I told her I'd think about it and left.

That comment really bothered me because I certainly didn't want to go if only our Ds wanted me to and she didn't. Whenever she makes requests like that it always sounded like she had not choice. So I call her back and ask her if she would like me there. She said she didn't care. So I told her that I didn't want to go if she didn't want me to be there. She kind of huffed and said "fine!" and I hung up.

I call her back a couple of minutes later and told her to stop saying "fine". Everything to her has been fine. I told her that I said what I did because it bothered me and that things were not "fine". And I told her that when she does that she holds onto old resentments and if she were to just talk to me about things rather than holding things in, we wouldn't be in this mess. So I tell her that next time, if she wanted to ask me to go with them that she should just say something like "I was wondering if you could join us" or something like that. She listened and we ended things on a good note.

Lunchtime came around and she calls. First thing she says is "I was wondering if you were free for lunch." So she listened to how I felt. She didn't have to, but I took it as a good sign. So we went out to lunch and it was great.

Saturday comes around and we take the kids to a beachside fair. My oldest is acting really fussy and my W is acting pissy. She complains about the heat and leaves us to stand under the shade. So later that night ask her "so what's wrong?" I told her it was obvious something was bothering her. She tells me that she had gotten her period and that she was flowing pretty heavy in the day. I told her that I'm sure she was very uncomfortable and that I wished I had known or else we wouldn't have gone to an outdoor event in the first place. So I tell her that she just needs to tell me. She says that she did "tell me" when she hesitated the night before about agreeing to go.

I told her that the "hesitation" is not telling me and that I can't interpret what something like that means. I mention to her that she could just tell me straight up what was going on and I would have understood. I used this as an example of how she isn't telling me things when she thinks she is. I also tell her that if there are things I do that irritate her, I wouldn't know unless she told me. Or else I'd keep doing the same things over and over again. She said she understood.

So Father's Day comes around and it's so NORMAL that I can't believe we're separated. She has a great time, the kids are happy, she's engaging me. Then in the end she leaves to go back to her sister's place.

I had a T session on Monday and tell her about all that's going on. She didn't understand why my W acts the way she does and how she can act very close yet still stay distant.

One thing I forgot to mention was that last week, my MIL told my kids that mom "wasn't coming home". That bothered the hell out of me. So I told my W that it was inappropriate for her mom to tell our kids that when they are confused. Hell I'm still confused. She agreed it was inappropriate. However when I asked her if she was going to tell her mom, she kept telling me "I don't know." So I tell her that I'm worried about her mom making negative comments about me and I didn't want that to happen. She again sounded indifferent.

So fast forward to yesterday. We end up getting into a R talk and I tell her again about my concern about what her mom said to the kids. Then she tells me that her mom told her directly what she said and regretted saying it (my W never brought it up to MIL, she just told my W about it). I got upset again and asked her why she didn't tell me what her mom said. I told her that I had to deal with the kids crying about it and it really bothered me. She told me that she thought it was better not to tell me as it might make things worse. I told her again that right there was the whole problem to everything. She's always been making assumptions of how I feel or what I would do and so she doesn't say anything.

I asked her if when I tell her all these things about how I feel, what she does, things about the kids, etc. If she actually listens or just blows them off thinking that I'm just ranting. She told me that she actually listens. So I think there's some progress. She just has to get her head out of her butt and do something.

This Saturday is both our birthdays (yes we share the same day) so I asked her out with the kids. She accepted and sounded pretty happy about it. We'll see what happens.

Whew that was a long one.

[sandi2]

She says that she did "tell me" when she hesitated the night before about agreeing to go.

OHHHH! I could shake her to pieces! She must be one of these women who assumes the man should automatically know what she's thinking and feeling. Let me guess.....she's into reading romantic novels?

[MrBond]

She doesn't read but she is into romantic movies. Believe me I get frustrated as heck.

I think that's why even though we're not really supposed to be talking about our R, when an opportunity comes up where I can give her an example of our poor communication, I bring it up.

One thing I told her was that I was worried about how we were going to make ends meet. I told her that I've been hustling to get extra freelance jobs to cover the hole that she started and I need to know what SHE was going to do to set things right. I told her that SHE needs to start repairing the damage she's done with the finances, the kids, etc. I told her that I was going to T to discuss how to better communicate with her and the kids' feelings. And I was the one who is fixing our financial mess. I told her point blank that she has to do something...anything and that I was at the point where I'm ready to chuck everything and not give a crap. And yet I can't because I'm the responsible one.

I think the reason I decided to put more of this into her court is because I see her slowly coming out of the fog. I see more of my old W each time I see her. Unfortunately it's not fast enough.

[papayachic]

I think the reason I decided to put more of this into her court is because I see her slowly coming out of the fog. I see more of my old W each time I see her. Unfortunately it's not fast enough.

Glad to see your update.
I'm happy to see that you see that she is coming out of the fog...very slowly....but at least it's progress!

Happy belated Father's Day!

[MrBond]

Thanks PC : )

[MrBond]

Sandi and others...

So what should I get her for her birthday? All (serious) suggestions are welcome.

[MrBond]

Gift ideas