Are there any women in the approximate age range 40-65 who want sex 5-10 times per week? Or are there any who would at least put up with a partner who wanted it that often? And I'm talking about imaginative, erotic, tantric sexual massage, energetic, fantasy-enchanced, loving, candlelight, etc., sex, not just cold mechanical frequency. And I'm talking about sustaining that kind of energy for years, not just through the honeymoon and a few weeks after.
I sometimes feel that if I were to leave my SSM and look for a compatible sexual partner, I'd have a hard time finding someone near my age who would have the same erotic energy. It's discouraging to read that a typical "good" long-term marriage in midlife has sex no more than about 1-2 times per week. And a fellow poster on this forum mentioned that she considered herself HD, and would like sex once a week?!? I feel like a sexual freak. I'm in my late 50's, and my sex drive is still about the same as when I was a teenager.
A male friend of mine, about my age, told me recently that at this point in his life, with regard to sex, "he could take it or leave it", and wouldn't be upset if he never had partnered sex the rest of his life. And he's a guy and in perfectly good health otherwise?!?! I feel like most people my age are sexually dead, not to mention my wife.
Is my only hope to look for a much younger woman? Surely there must be some exceptions out there closer to my age, someone who is my sexual female counterpart?
Before you start looking elsewhere, why not figure out how to approach your wife differently. Maybe, she would be interested in more intimacy if it was also on her terms. if you haven;t talked to a sex therapist, Talk to a DB coach that specializes in SSM.....ask for appt for SSM coaching. Best of luck.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I had about 6 hours with one of your DB coaches last year, and it was very helpful to me, personally. In previous years, we've also been to various therapists, including sex therapists. I don't think she wants intimacy on any terms, and it's been a long time. I don't pressure her any more, and we have good times together, even romantic evenings, but never even the slightest hint of interest in anything erotic or sexual. It's a tough one.
Just as one of many examples, I've been given the advice to not pressure her. The theory is, once the pressure is off, she might indicate when she might be interested. And so I stopped all pressure, or even hints. Instead, she was just happy to "permanently" not have to deal with sex at all. Out of sight, out of mind, no exceptions. With all the other things she wants to do, she even seemed glad that maybe I had less need for that time-consuming activity that does nothing for her personally.
Not thinking of leaving at this particular point. The great irony is that we have a quite good marriage in many other ways. But I'm curious to know if my ultimate sexual expectations of a woman are even realistic, totally aside from my wife.
Your sexual expectations of a woman ARE reasonable. It depends on the woman, there are a great many women who will want a sex life similar to the way you want it. Currently your wife is not one of them. I'm sure the question before throwing it all away is there ANYTHING that can be done to create desire in your own wife for the act.
It hurts that sex can be viewed as a chore, and if you don't mention it they will literally forget about it. On DB Forums and other forums we found out many such women actually had no sex drive, the other half where cheating so they had no need for sex within their marriage.
I've read alot of your thread, probably not all your postings. Have you looked into hormone levels? Various aphrodisiacs?
I'm like you, I want my woman to want near the same rate and levels of experiences as you, and it should not be a chore to her. Participation in the act should make her feel more alive and even energized.
Are there any women in the approximate age range 40-65 who want sex 5-10 times per week? Or are there any who would at least put up with a partner who wanted it that often? And I'm talking about imaginative, erotic, tantric sexual massage, energetic, fantasy-enhanced, loving, candlelight, etc., sex, not just cold mechanical frequency.
5 times a week - sure ... great passionate sex 10 times a week ... you're starting to get into the "this is a bit time consuming" category I think.
Women have heaps of things to do. Sex is only one of them. By the time we’ve worked, done the chores, fed the family, invested in the other things we like to do (hobbies/friends/family etc) making 15 – 20 hours a week available for sex is a bit of a stretch in my view. (I just don’t now how you’d fit it in!)
I’ve been seeing a man for several months who is v HD and we have imaginative, erotic, trantric, energetic, etc sex most days (and sometimes several times a day) but there are times when one or both of us are just too busy or too tired after slogging it out in the real world all day to devote the kind of energy that’s required to maintain that really intimate sexual encounter.
The other point I’d make is that the erotic, fantasy-enhanced, loving part only comes with time, trust and practice. I’m pretty open minded, but it’s taken me quite a long time to get to the stage I am now where I’m really comfortable making my mind and my body open to the amazing intimacy that’s available in a good sexual relationship.
Could I sustain this for years and years … you betcha.
Last edited by Walking; 06/24/1011:51 PM.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Have you looked into hormone levels? Various aphrodisiacs?
Yes, checked hormone levels.
Aphrodisiacs? Sure, a glass of wine, romantic dinner, fun times together. Those are aphrodisiacs for most women, but not my wife. She enjoys it all, but not a hint of sexual interest results.
Other aphrodisiacs? I can't think of anything that doesn't have a very unreliable record, though I'm sure there are anecdotes and certain people who swear it works for them. The FDA recently turned down what might have been the first official "Viagra for women", mostly because it was only marginally effective and had too many side effects.
My question to you would be, how many years has it been since you have had "good" (engaged, enthusiastic) sex pretty much whenever you wanted it?
Never. Never seen a woman have an orgasm. Never had sex "whenever I wanted it". I've had "somewhat engaged" and "somewhat enthusiastic" sex early in my marriage, which was more like "the fun of novelty" on the part of my wife.
Which is why I'm asking the question of this thread. I've never had the kind of sexual relationship I now realize I could have had, and could still have. Not sure I could ever get my wife to that point. But I just want to understand myself and what is realistic and unrealistic, not just with my wife, but with anybody.
The thing is, I now realize I was very accomodating to my wife's limitations in the early years and I assumed she'd improve over the years. I totally bought into the bogus advice from magazine columns which said that women peak sexually around age 40, etc.
5 times a week - sure ... great passionate sex 10 times a week ... you're starting to get into the "this is a bit time consuming" category I think.
Good point. But when you have a really high sex drive, that's more like asking, "How can you find time to eat 21 times a week -- that's maybe 10 or 20 hours! And who has that kind of time?" Or what about the 50 hours you spend sleeping each week? Who has time for that? Well, for me, the fact is that if I don't attend to it physically, then by the 2nd day, I sometimes find myself constantly drifting into sexual fantasies whenever work is the least bit boring, which can waste more time than engaging in sex in a timely manner. Once I've had a mind-blowing orgasm or two, I feel energized and good to go with other projects without being unduly distracted for the next 12-24 hours or so.
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Women have heaps of things to do. Sex is only one of them. By the time we’ve worked, done the chores, fed the family, invested in the other things we like to do (hobbies/friends/family etc) making 15 – 20 hours a week available for sex is a bit of a stretch in my view. (I just don’t now how you’d fit it in!)
Well, see, that's the difference between HD and a more "normal" drive, or the difference between men and women sometimes. An overly busy schedule of stress and work just kicks my sex drive into even HIGHER GEAR. If I'm very tired after a long and stressful day, sex is a GREAT way to relieve stress and go to sleep.
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Could I sustain this for years and years … you betcha.
I totally bought into the bogus advice from magazine columns which said that women peak sexually around age 40, etc.
I've thought a lot, and read a little bit, about the sexual peak issue (I'm 40 next month) and I'm not sure that it's a physiological peak but rather a peak that occurs with maturity and confidence.
I think women need to grow into their sexuality. It takes some maturity and self assurance to be able to make yourself open/vulnerable enough to really engage in an intimate sexual partnership.
The younger a women is the more likely she’s self conscious about her body, concerned with issues like baby making/child raising, sometimes burdened with inherited views about sexuality being dirty/naughty, her partners are likely to have been inexperienced – so she hasn’t had any mindblowing experiences to compare her own performance/experiences with ….. etc etc
By the time a woman gets to 40 she knows herself (or she should be on the way to knowing herself) and knows what she wants and that means she’s able to take responsibility for her part of the sexual relationship in a way that’s healthy.
My own experience, and the experiences of several women I’ve talked to about this, is that physically, my sexual peak was probably in my early 20s – let’s face it the body simply works better when it’s 20 than when it’s 40. Physiologically and emotionally the older I get, the more I understand my sexuality and the more I’m able to share that with a partner. I think that’s what they mean by a women’s sexual peak being in mid-life.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
