Yes I read that. But then it evolved into how many times he wanted sex and while that's a personal choice, it sounds like alot to me.
If you're happy at getting a HJ from your W even though you know she doesn't want to do it, then it's up to you. I just wouldn't be so surprised if anyone would get turned off. After awhile it's going to sound like a dog begging to go outside. It's cute after awhile, but then it irritating after awhile.
IMHO it doesn't sound like he was SS. Maybe his high sex drive started to turn her off over time which is why she approaches it more like a job than a means to increase intimacy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
SS? Sex starved? Well, at this point it's been about a year or two of nothing at all. If that isn't SS, I don't know what is!
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Maybe his high sex drive started to turn her off over time which is why she approaches it more like a job than a means to increase intimacy.
Yeah, in spite of my high drive, I accomodated her quite a bit by being "happy" with about once every week or two. But that was "too much" for her after a while, and that's kind of where the accomodation rubber band snapped. It just couldn't stretch that far.
I'm still interested in knowing of any long-term marriages where there is sex many times a week, rather than the paltry (to me, anyway) once-per-week average. I'm interested in knowing the dynamics that could sustain that. I have a fascination with how a marriage like that works, if only because it seems so "impossible" from where I'm sitting. It was fascinating to read some of DanceQueen's descriptions for that reason.
I get that. But prior to sex stopping, how often was it and was it "making love" or was it machine-like?
The year before it stopped, maybe 2-4 times total (intercourse) in a year. In the 4 years before that, only 2 times. These years were mostly HJ, not intercourse. In fact, most of the marriage has been just HJ's.
As for the intercourse years ago, at its best, it seemed pretty good to me. She was always pretty passive, though mildly enjoying it in the beginning. But then I don't have a very good perspective because I've never experienced "mutual" sex where both people have orgasms (never mind the absurd notion of having them at the same time).
i am in the same boat and have been for at least 10 yrs out of my upcoming 18 yr marriage. i am 45, she is 43. two boys 11 and 14. i also work 4-5 jobs to keep things afloat, help around with the house, and parental responsibilities(i don't know if these things have anything to do with anything). i'm just saying that i participate fully as a husband/father, and try to go above and beyond my duties to make her happy and less stressful.
i also have stopped trying to have sex with my wife, stopped talking about sex, stopped trying to be romantic, erotic, assertive, passive, etc. nothing works. i too have shut down all communications, and am just "being."
as long as i do not bring up anything that pertains to sex, or anything that deals with making our marriage more romantic, she is happy.
she has no sex drive, knows she doesn't have any desire for sex, says she isn't going to do anything about it, and if i don't like it, "there's the door."
we've gone to a therapist, and once we started talking about her, she refused to go anymore, because she said that there was nothing wrong with her, and she is the normal one, that everybody she knows is just like her. she also got her hormones checked and they are fine.
everything is for the kids, and her career. whenever there is any down time it's filled with either relaxing on the couch, or just going to bed.
and the irony is is that if you were to see us together, you would say,"wow! they seem to have it all together!" because she calls me "honey," and holds my hand, or puts her hand in my backpocket. but once behind closed bedroom doors, it's all about trying to get a full 8 hrs. sleep.
i need an answer and help too, because no one can stay in a marriage where one has a deep desire for the other, but knows the other feels the complete opposite. i have done everything possible (argued; tried to change any bad personality traits she said i have; love letters/poems; flowers; being assertive physically/being passive physically; gone to a therapist myself; etc.).
it's like living with an ex-girlfriend: you're always trying to get her back, but she wants nothing to do with you, and only wants to be your friend.
it's like living with an ex-girlfriend: you're always trying to get her back, but she wants nothing to do with you, and only wants to be your friend.
Well, there's your answer. Stop trying to win her back.
I know it's hard when you are really, really busy, but you need to find something that YOU can do for YOU. Something like hanging out with the guys kind of stuff. Got any hobbies or such? Physical interests?
Time for a new look? A new workout routine? A new you?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
In SSMguy's case, I believe the issue is emotional, in that his wife has never successfully been treated for childhood sexual abuse, and so still equates sex with being used and violated.
Perhaps a better question for this thread would be, Are there any midlife men out there who have been HD all their lives, who still want sex at least once daily with their wives--or do such men find that completely open, connected, explorative, passionate, satisfying, mature sex leaves them requiring far less frequency?
Unfortunately, of course, those guys will never be coming to this website to commment. However, I believe Kettricken is correct that such men report being focused only on quality, not quantity.
Hi ssmguy, Just throwing in my two bits here, from a female's perspective. What really caught me in your thread was this: "It's not normal to want sex that much" "You shouldn't need sex that much" "It's normal to have sex once a week, not every day" "Again? We just had sex yesterday!" "Again? We just had sex two days ago!"
The reason those comments/thoughts of your Ws caught me was they sounded so ... so lonely. So filled with distorted thoughts and 'shoulds' - your W sounds like she's got some very rigid, constrictive rules she lives by, and I wonder if somewhere underneath, she's as unhappy with the level of intimacy in her life as you are. I'm so sorry you both find yourselves in this sitch, and I'm thinking good thoughts for you both, that you're able to find your way back together.
I wonder if I share some of my experiences, it might offer you a helpful perspective? I'm sorry, I wish I could just put this down as specific advice, but I'm not sure how - all I can think it to just share what has happened with us. I do hope it helps.
I can relate to the gradual lessening of sex in long-term marriage. Years ago, our sex life gradually dwindled to nothing; at it's worst (the last couple years) we'd maybe have sex a couple times a year. The very start of it was long ago - a thyroid disease for me, so I was the LD spouse for many years. Add to that the stupid birth control pill (which they now have shown that it can reduce sexual desire in many women) and I was really struggling. My H says he eventually just 'gave up', and stopped asking. On his side of it, he was a very distant person, with very little capacity to reach out to me emotionally. And my personal attributes left me unable to ask for (or even know) the kind of connection I needed emotionally or physically. It got pretty bad - a lot of him blaming me, me feeling guilty for it; him feeling inadequate I'm sure, a lot of fear around the sex itself and the inevitable 'performance anxiety' (for us both!). And we were just so disconnected we were unable to even talk about it. And I gradually felt less and less connection with him overall. I was horribly, horribly lonely. Man, when I think about all those years... my heart was just aching for him. So, all this essentially killed any sexual connection that was left.
I got into IC last fall, and although my H has refused to come, with the help of my IC we've been working on getting reconnected emotionally. My IC almost scoffed at my concerns about addressing our sex life, before the emotional safety and intimacy was addressed. I was surprised because often the books say to use sex as a way to reconnect. But I guess everyone's different - this is just how it seems to be coming back for us, so thought I'd share. Gradually, very slowly have I noticed my sexual desire for him returning. We are both still hesitant but making small steps forward. I notice that I'm the one initiating it mostly, and we've had some tentative discussions about why he hasn't. I'm trying not to worry about that; it will happen in it's own time I'm sure.
So yes, I think it's definitely possible to have sex many times a week. We're not there yet but I think as we continue to reconnect emotionally, we'll get there. If the increase in frequency of desire is any measure of what we can expect, I feel very positive for our future.
As far as dynamics that I think are sustaining and growing this reconnection, I'd say my H's still new and growing (though hesitant!) willingness to discuss meaningful, emotional aspects of our M, a weekly date night, and the willingness to show emotions to one another. I think that almost more important though, is my learning to know WHAT KINDS OF support, love and emotional signs of intimacy when I need it, learning that it's OK for me to NEED it, and HOW to ask for it. I think I grew up feeling I never had a real right to ask for or need connection and support, and that ultimately led to a lot of embarrassment around sex and intimacy for me... perhaps when I saw those comments and thoughts of your wife's, it struck a chord with me so I wanted to share my experience.
So again, I'm not sure if that helps you. I just thought you might be interested in the perspective of a woman who used to be LD, and how it seems to be turning around. It's taking a lot of work on BOTH our parts. Fingers crossed of course and there's still a lot of ground to cover. But I do hope it gives you some hope that things can turn around for the better. Keep talking with your wife, create emotional safety for her to explore her sad, constricted feelings around intimacy. I do hope things turn around for you both. Take care, PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Cyrena, you might be right to some degree, but "far less fequency" is not likely in my opinion. It's like proposing that only people who have immature sex have it often, while passionate deep love is only infrequent. That would be sad.
I would also propose the possibility that a great sex life can fall apart for a couple when the biological drive difference is too great. At which point someone might misleadingly suggest that the HD persons drive was such ONLY because it was at that point a bad sexual relationship. Putting the cart before the horse.
I have to admit that I politely resent the implication that because I'm interested in quantity, I'm not interested in quality. Nothing could be further from the truth.
As an HD man, the possibility occurs to me, Cyrena, that some women who are LD might view LD men as being more caring and focused on quality, while viewing HD men as uncaring and interested only in quantity. It's all how it looks from your perspective. I can certainly tell you that when I wanted sex again with my wife after having it the day before, I meant it with the highest hopes for fun and love, and I felt it was like a dagger through the heart when she "coldly" replied, "What? We just did it yesterday?" But from her point of view, I was just interested sex, nothing else.
And that's the problem you get in these situations -- the same thing is seen from two very different points of view when your biology is different.
So, if I may politely challenge you Cyrena, what you are suggesting strikes me as the viewpoint of an LD woman. That is, my wife would agree with you -- a caring sexual relationship is all about quality, not frequency. I can just hear her saying it as the perfect reason why I should be having sex at that moment. And if I tell her that, no, it's just not about the sex, she thinks, yeah, right, sure, that's what any man says when he wants sex.
