What if she gives you 2 to 3 minute sessions and tells you to "hurry up", but is lovingly providing it to you?
Well, that's what it ended up being a lot of the time, just manual hand work to take care of me, as she had no needs of that kind herself. And I always wanted it to go slow, while she always wanted to finish up more quickly (which I don't blame her for, as there was no direct physical pleasure for her).
So she has no pleasure in closeness from you?
I was fortunate enough to have a wife who would oblige me even if they weren't deriving physical pleasure.
...Because it's been years since it was freely available to you.
I understand your point, and you might be right. I don't know. But what I know is that I've always had a certain cycle/rhythm/period of about a day or two, partnered or not. I don't think it's likely that the presence of a willing partner is going to have me fall back to wanting it just once a week. Even when I had a willing partner for a few times a week, that wasn't enough, though I was "happy" with it (while supplementing it with my own solitary activity).
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And if you've *never* seen a woman have an orgasm, I don't know if you've ever had (what I would consider) really good sex. Partner engagement changes things.
Yes, I miss the experience of getting another person "there", not just myself. I think it would be a real "game changer" for me. I miss that "connection" that I imagine I would have with someone who could really mutually share sexual experience with me. It always bugged me to read those advice columns about how the considerate man makes sure his partner climaxes first -- like it's a choice?? Huh, excuse me, what advice do you have for a couple when the woman has NEVER had an orgasm? Thanks a lot, advice columnists.
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So if you have these numbers in your head
No, no, no, not just numbers, and not just in my head. I want a woman who has lots of energy for fun and sex, not just sex. A good sense of humor, talkative, erotic, etc. I have almost all of that in my wife, with the exception of her ABSOLUTE ZERO interest in sex, or even hinting about it. As I've mentioned elsewhere, she buys me Playboy calendars and such, hoping that it will take my mind off sex with her, while showing at least that she acknowledges that I have such interests and that she knows that's normal.
ssmguy, if your woman has never orgasmed it is possible she has a mental block. My ex wife had this, this mental block also tied to repressed sexuality. I'm not sure how we got past it, but once she started enjoying orgasm and doing it on her own her sexuality increased lots.
Well, she used to enjoy hugging and kissing. But she never enjoyed having my hands explore her intimate areas, so that's been off limits our whole marriage. Which is in stark contrast to myself -- I love being touched everywhere, a lot. I go the feeling that when she would touch me at my request, it was always without a sort of knowledge of how good it must feel, because it she would be touching me in ways she would never like to be touched herself.
Or what do you mean by "pleasure in closeness"? Orgasmic, no. Aroused, yes, but only in the early part of our marriage.
My opinion is in a proper long term relationshiop ( LTR ), where there is love the right things will happen. Maybe not in the exact frequency we want them, but they will happen.
What are you saying? That if it's a good long-term relationship, then sex at some frequency will be guaranteed to happen? And if sex doesn't happen, does that not make it "not a good relationship"? Which means you'd always be right, just by definition alone. So I'm not sure what you're saying.
I don't think a partners needs would be minimized or dismissed if there was a good relationship. Sex is an important part of a marriage for people who are sexual.
If the two parties both agree that sex is not a priority then that is different.
I believe in your case the wife would attempt to meet you mid way, even if she does not pleasure from it. She should also attempt to restore this part of herself through counselling and medical treatment if possible.
Yes, DaddyLongShanks, that makes perfect sense. Totally agree.
And it's easy to see why your suggestion might be difficult in our case:
1. I like the pleasuring to be slow and take a long time. And since my wife gets NOTHING out of this, and she does not want mutual participation, this is very BORING for her, especially if I would like it, say, a minimum of 3 times a week. I mean, if you thought the treadmill at the gym was boring, I can see how this is REALLY boring.
2. Since she has never had an orgasm herself, she doesn't fully understand what the experience is for me.
3. And since she knows that I can self-service, she doesn't see how her participation makes much difference.
4. She knows that I would get more out of it if she ALSO enjoys it. So she knows that I enjoy it a lot less because she's not into it, so what's the loss of just not bothering?
And as for point #4, I have to admit she's right. I'm not sure it's sex worth having at all if it's just done as a chore, and knowing there are women out there who are, by contrast, begging their husbands for sex!
I remember one time I bugged my wife for sex, and we both knew it had been quite a long time (so long she knew she had run out of excuses). She responded with annoyance that if I waited a bit while she finished up some other things, she could give me a little hand work. And when the time came, she said, "OK, let's get this over with -- I've got a lot do." Not exactly what I'd call romantic, but it's pretty much the best sex I've had in a long time and I'm used to it.
Yes, DaddyLongShanks, that makes perfect sense. Totally agree.
And it's easy to see why your suggestion might be difficult in our case:
1. I like the pleasuring to be slow and take a long time. And since my wife gets NOTHING out of this, and she does not want mutual participation, this is very BORING for her, especially if I would like it, say, a minimum of 3 times a week. I mean, if you thought the treadmill at the gym was boring, I can see how this is REALLY boring.
2. Since she has never had an orgasm herself, she doesn't fully understand what the experience is for me.
3. And since she knows that I can self-service, she doesn't see how her participation makes much difference.
4. She knows that I would get more out of it if she ALSO enjoys it. So she knows that I enjoy it a lot less because she's not into it, so what's the loss of just not bothering?
And as for point #4, I have to admit she's right. I'm not sure it's sex worth having at all if it's just done as a chore, and knowing there are women out there who are, by contrast, begging their husbands for sex!
I remember one time I bugged my wife for sex, and we both knew it had been quite a long time (so long she knew she had run out of excuses). She responded with annoyance that if I waited a bit while she finished up some other things, she could give me a little hand work. And when the time came, she said, "OK, let's get this over with -- I've got a lot do." Not exactly what I'd call romantic, but it's pretty much the best sex I've had in a long time and I'm used to it.
I wouldn't be torturing her with long duration sex especially if you know she's not deriving physical pleasure from it. However, if she gives you scraps 3 to 5 minutes of the "hurry up" type, I don't think you should feel a deep shame from taking it especially if her mindset is that she wants to make sure you don't miss out on this even though she can't go there with you.
You need to find a way to get her to orgasm. I'd start with clitoral style orgasms. Once you guys can get that out the way, she needs to do it on her own. It will build up her interest in sex. The woman that I had that could not orgasm was "blocking" at the point of normal orgasm. They are supposed to relax and let it happen. I don't remember how we got past the "blocking", I think I talked her through it.
In getting this orgasm, I would expirament with vibrator, fingers and tounge. Let her talk you through it if necessary and indicate what she's needing.
Are you guys doing oral sex? You should definately be trying to oral her to orgasm, because if you can get her to orgasm, and get her hooked on you your sex life will skyrocket.
On the vaginal pleasure not being there, me thinks its mental, but me thinks its mental from not having interest due to lack of orgasm.
if she gives you scraps 3 to 5 minutes of the "hurry up" type, I don't think you should feel a deep shame from taking it
Don't worry about me -- shame is not in my vocabulary when it comes to sex. And I can do this for a while. The problem is the long-term outlook. Can you imagine this being the only kind of sex you're going to have for the rest of your life? That's where I have a problem.
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You need to find a way to get her to orgasm. I'd start with clitoral style orgasms. Once you guys can get that out the way, she needs to do it on her own.
Boy, you make it sound so easy. I've never been able to make any headway on this because she will not let me touch her intimate areas. The few times I've tried, she recoils as if I were a pervert on a subway car.
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It will build up her interest in sex. The woman that I had that could not orgasm was "blocking" at the point of normal orgasm. They are supposed to relax and let it happen. I don't remember how we got past the "blocking", I think I talked her through it.
Sounds reasonable to me. But you're a million miles ahead of where my wife has ever been. And I've never given an orgasm to a woman.
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In getting this orgasm, I would expirament with vibrator, fingers and tounge. Let her talk you through it if necessary and indicate what she's needing.
I've suggested a vibrator, but gotten nowhere with it. Talk me through it -- well, sure, I'd love to, if I could get her that far. But this is absolute fantasy and far beyond anything I could even imagine getting her to do.
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Are you guys doing oral sex?
Are you kidding? Never happened. I've suggested it both ways. Her reply is kind of "we don't talk about that", and moving right along to something else.
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You should definately be trying to oral her to orgasm, because if you can get her to orgasm, and get her hooked on you your sex life will skyrocket.
Sounds good to me!!! Good fantasy! But so far from reality in my marriage it's almost comical to imagine. If I insisted on this she'd get angry and we'd be right back to where we were when we decided we needed to go for counseling.
If you have read this thoroughly, it sounds like the wife feels she does not have a sexual need and has been blocking him. He gets "scraps" from time to time and takes them. She will not allow him to explore to perhaps open her sexuality up. Thats a tough bunch of parameters.
I guess he can ask a question. What would the question be?
