Sorry it's a bad morning!!!! I've been reading your thread with great interest. Even checked out the 4 weeks/Larry thing. I would LOVE to do it but don't have the money right now... it sounds great and the support/calls would be a great asset. I could really use that but have to come up with the money first.
I do'nt think teh you smell nice comment was a tactical error...
If you say that and WALK AWAY then its a home run... if you say that and hang on his space like a chimp then yes its pursuit and not helpful at all...
You have to remember he's only shareing a small part of his world with you.. there are a million things that could be going wrong right now that you arent a part of...
OW is likley at hte top of the list.. He veyr likley had another fight with her...
After three years the bickering IS gonig to happen... The unicorns and rainbows are very likley long gone by now and its getting serious... And netiher one of them has the maturity to work through that to anything resembling a long term commitment... First problem out of the gate is - HE's MARRIED!!
It just goes downhill from there... they can't sort out the ugly details of their mess with any maturity, its giong to blow up like a storm.. Just keep your distance...
if you are determined to wait it out and have the strength then keep it up... it will end most likley...
His actions wreak of OW. This has nothing to do with you. When my H's A was ending, my mantra was "It's not about me". You're the most convenient person to take his frustrations out on but it has nothing to do with you. Remember that.
Thanks all! Appreciate the support. Several good days followed by one not-so-good day threw me. Thanks for "righting my ship"!
I think you're right about this being about OW. Things are winding down between them, but he's still her advisor, he still has to coach her through finishing her dissertation and defense. The stress is starting to show.
Gee, if he'd only gotten rid of her 2 YEARS AGO like I told him to, he wouldn't have NEAR so many problems!
That said, he's been MUCH better tonight. Home early, had dinner with all of us, had me come down to basement and spend 30 minutes looking at his fish tanks and other fish he'd like to buy online. Even mentioned that he'd transferred more money to household account, which I hadn't asked him to do.
LOL!
His university account password, the one I used to use to go into and check on pay stubs and insurance reimbursements, was Nm;nhl, which stood for "No money, no honey love." Does he REALLY think that's the problem? <sigh> Banish OW, return to our marriage, and start acting like a man again. The money is minor compared to all the other stuff.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I do'nt think teh you smell nice comment was a tactical error...
If you say that and WALK AWAY then its a home run... if you say that and hang on his space like a chimp then yes its pursuit and not helpful at all...
I was trying to sleep and he was walking out the door to a meeting. But I'll keep your strategy in mind!
Originally Posted By: Allen A
After three years the bickering IS gonig to happen... The unicorns and rainbows are very likley long gone by now and its getting serious... And netiher one of them has the maturity to work through that to anything resembling a long term commitment... its giong to blow up like a storm.. Just keep your distance...
In Larry's version of Dbing, you "go dark" for the most part but when you do have interactions, you keep them short and sweet. Nothing serious or difficult. Just "unicorns and rainbows" (to quote a friend) - but with ME instead of her. So guess who gets the brunt of his frustration and nastiness? HER! It speeds up the end of the affair and makes home seem like a refuge.
I'm seeing that off and on. But I've been on this roller coaster for nearly 2 years now and am getting kind of tired of the scenery. Ready for a smoother, more pleasant ride...
Yes, the short and sweet interaction is right out of DR too... MWD says the exact same thing... so consider it doubly good advice.
Two or three years to ride out the affair is quite exhausting I can imagine.. been there myself...
Most people dont have the strength or the patience to deal... In your favour is knowing the OW really doen'st want your H long term, so you don't feel threatened in teh long term.. its only the short term that's a nightmare. Many of the others here are facing a potential long term threat, so they cant' afford to wait and ride it out like this... To be honest you are at an advantage comparative to others here... especially the fact that you have three years in already... Those two have likley squeezed all the fun out of this affair by now...
Yes, after looking through some of the heart-wrenching tales on this forum, I've learned two things:
1. It could always be worse 2. He will come around in HIS time, not mine
It amazes me that HALF the population has, is, or will have to put up with this $@*!. People walk around every day looking perfectly normal...and you usually can't tell by looking at them all the heartache they're going through.
Just when I think we're near the end of this drama, with him being as sweet as pie last night, he comes home late (near 10), is testy as hell, and spends part of the evening online...checking apartments for rent in the area, according to the router logs.
That talks about being careful who you talk to when you're thinking about divorce. If you use your family, friends, and co-workers as a sounding board for your marital problems, they'll take your side, demonize your spouse, and cheer you all the way to divorce court.
But if your spouse changes what you don't like, starts respecting you at home, and you start thinking about staying...well, that will never do! Your sounding board will tell you you're being tricked and re-double their efforts to get you to leave your spouse.
MWD says she's seen it HUNDREDS of times and it makes recon SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT. Hence her advice to be careful what you say when complaining to your cronies.
I told Larry I didn't understand why WH treated me well at home yet ignored me or made fun of me when he was around his co-workers and grad students. NOW I get it!
As smart and brilliant as he is, WH is EASILY influenced. Always has been. But for the grace of God he could have been swallowed up by a gang or cult in an effort to belong. Probably part of his abandonment issues from his childhood.
So...
Anyone dealt with this recon wrinkle before? Any advice?
I understand this approach and feel it can be really hard to do, especially when your WH has left and is actively pursuing his affair with soon-to-be divorced OW. He's also here and there bringing her kids together with my kids (families were "good" friends - socialized together, vacationed together (sick) - what a convenient/easy way to maintain an affair). The kids don't know about them, but I do wonder if they have suspicions (OW kids are 17, 14 - My kids 12 and 5).
I'm guilty of not keeping family out of it, even though I had the best of intentions in the beginning. I think it's hard because sometimes you really need someone "real" time to help you when you're REALLY stressed and it's easy to get in touch with a family member/friend whereas a counselor is only available on a scheduled basis.
On the other hand this almost seems to contradict "exposing" an affair to everyone you know. What do you think?
--------------------------------- M 47, H 47 DD 5, DD 12 Married 23.5 years, T 27 years Separated 4/17/10 EA/PA - started probably about 3 years ago
