He's Loving the Freedom of the 180 - Now What?

[Seeing Red]

Thanks, JoinTheClub --

Hindsight IS 20/20. If FORESIGHT was as good as hindsight, I wouldn't be in this mess, lol!

I have good days and bad days, just like everyone. Having so many good days followed by a couple of bad days really threw me. I swear I've done 10 EC7's in the last 3 days alone!

But I had a bit of a revelation/vision this morning of what our relationship *could* be like with just a little more effort, so I'll continue on that path and see if comes to fruition.

Like you, I wrestle with Freddy. The top four drugs in my "Freddy Pharmacy" - anger, contempt, resentment, and self-righteousness - are all aggressive, and Larry told me he was shocked that with THAT MUCH negative energy injecting itself, it's a wonder I didn't wield anything mighter than my keyboard. Like a loaded gun or a large SUV, for example.

I, too, needed time to absorb what was happening. I missed SO many opportunities along the way, but I can't go back and change them now. All I can do is stop what didn't work and try things that HAVE worked for others...

[newmama]

If I'd thrown him out, changed the locks, and properly exposed the affair WHEN I DISCOVERED IT two years ago, OW would be history and we'd be in recovery. I didn't do it - had no idea how to do it - and now I'm paying the price.

If I try to do it NOW, my marriage is over. WH would walk away and never look back. He'd lose his job and his career because the University would rather get rid of him than enforce their own rules.

Timing and....shouldawouldacoulda! I hear you! But I just think you are right about how some methods and approaches to ending the A or saving your marriage, etc. aren't effective if they are done at the wrong TIME.

So...at what point do you forfeit the battle in order to win the war?

I take this to mean let some stuff go in order to reach your goal? Heck yeah! Depends on the stuff though....

[newmama]

I, too, needed time to absorb what was happening. I missed SO many opportunities along the way, but I can't go back and change them now.

how are we supposed to anticipate everything that can happen, though? I mean I totally relate to what you are saying. But one thing I learned in all of this is that I am NOT GOOD at defending/responding/asking on the fly! I reserve the right to say, from now on, "I need time to absorb this. I want to finish this discussion soon but not now." For anyone who drops a bomb on me, not just stbxh!

And we CAN change how we respond/act from this point forward though. Why not revisit a discussion if necessary? Why not make a change that should have been done? (within reason)

[Seeing Red]

So...at what point do you forfeit the battle in order to win the war?

I take this to mean let some stuff go in order to reach your goal? Heck yeah! Depends on the stuff though....

Yes.

One of my HUGE pet peeves is schedule. I do ALL the kids' stuff (drop off and pick up from school, activities, doctor's appts, playdates, etc.), while he sleeps in, goes to work, or works out. It's all about HIM. If I need him to do ANYTHING with the kids or if I want to do something other than sit home with them every night of the week, I have to clear it with him WEEKS in advance or I'm out of luck. He comes and goes whenever the hell he wants, but I have to arrange ANYTHING out of the ordinary. He's been REALLY bad for the last 15 months, since the first exposure.

One of the things I absolutely HATE is that he spends Sunday evenings with OW at work. He has for 2 years because it's quiet and they're mostly alone. When I caught on that that's why he was going and told him to stop it a year ago, he started spending most of Sunday at work just to tick me off (on Valentine's Day he slept 'til noon and was gone from 2 pm to 2 am). Usually he goes from 6-midnight and the kids and I have Sunday dinner alone.

After he moved to the basement, he started going Saturday nights as well, so he could see OW 7 days a week. In those first 6-7 weeks after he moved downstairs and I started doing the 180, he pushed the limits by staying out until 2 or 3 am. It nearly killed me.

But with the EA winding down and me doing Larry's course, WH's spending less time at work and more time at home, even thought I keep our interactions to a minimum. He's still going both Sat and Sun nights, but the time he's gone is getting shorter and shorter. Last week he went from 8-10:30. Last night it was 9-11. I wish he didn't go at all, but we're not there yet.

I'll call the affair done when either:

1) OW defends her dissertation and FINALLY leaves (should be in Dec if she doesn't drag it out)
2) He comes home for dinner every night and doesn't go in on weekends

So...he's been winning the Sunday night battle for a while. Should I win the war and we reconcile, his schedule is going to be one of the things that HAS to change.

In fact, I have a list of things I plan to re-negotiate with him. I just won't take him back under any old circumstances. THAT much I HAVE learned! The lopsided marriage arrangement we had before is OVER. Should we start fresh once OW is gone and he comes out of his fog, it will be a new and improved marriage - version 2.0. This is part of that vision I had yesterday, of what things COULD be like between us.

I look forward to bringing it to fruition.

[Seeing Red]

I think I need to expand on this a little bit, before y'all think I've lost it.

I know this sounds CRAZY, but I've had these foreshadowing "visions" 5 or 6 times in my life. It took me a time or two to catch on to what it was all about - a brief (like 10 second) look at something that's going to happen anywhere from 2 weeks to six months in the future - but I've learned to accept it without question. They usually pop up when there's some sort of transition in my life (the last one was in 1997, before DD12 was born), so I guess I was due.

The longest and most distinct one happened in October of 1980, when I was 16 and sitting on the bench at a volleyball game watching the varsity team play one of our rivals (I was JV). I heard someone whistle in approval when one of the girls on our team made a vicious spike, and when I looked at him, the strangest feeling came over me - like I'd known him all my life. Yet I'd never seen him before. He was tall, dark...and goofy looking, with wild hair, big glasses, and a mustache. I didn't find him particularly attractive, yet I kept staring at him.

The girl sitting next to me elbowed me and said, "Whatcha looking at?"

And I replied without thinking, "The man I'm going to marry."

That immediately got her attention. "What?! Who? I didn't know you were dating!"

I pointed him out.

She said, "What's his name?"

I said, "I don't know. We haven't met."

She looked at me like I rocks in my head. "You're crazy! Besides, he's too old for you. He looks like somebody's uncle."*

I didn't see him again until April 1981, and I didn't recognize him when we were introduced. In fact, it wasn't until we were at prom a few weeks later when he ran into someone he knew, one of the girls in my class, that I put two and two together. They exchanged a frosty "hello" and I asked him where he knew her from.

"We went out a couple of times," he said, "But she was kind of a b*tch. Good volleyball player, though. I went to one of her games last fall."

I knew immediately who it was - the man I told my team mate I was going to marry...nearly six years before I DID marry him, 6 months before I even met him.

Freaky, huh?

As all but one of these other "visions" have come to fruition over the years, I'm having very good feelings this morning that the one I had yesterday will come about as well, in time. Let's see what happens...

*He started going gray at 17, about a year after his father walked away and his mother turned his life into a living hell because of it. Stress ages him. He looked 25 when he was 18. His hair has gone completely gray since he moved to the basement and he looks 60 from the neck up. But he also works out like crazy and looks about 30 from the neck down. It's a wildly attractive combination...

[Seeing Red]

How are we supposed to anticipate everything that can happen, though? I mean I totally relate to what you are saying. But one thing I learned in all of this is that I am NOT GOOD at defending/responding/asking on the fly!

I also have trouble thinking on the fly, and sometimes stumble through things - often making them worse!

I reserve the right to say, from now on, "I need time to absorb this. I want to finish this discussion soon but not now." For anyone who drops a bomb on me, not just stbxh!

And we CAN change how we respond/act from this point forward though. Why not revisit a discussion if necessary? Why not make a change that should have been done? (within reason)

This is EXCELLENT advice, NewMama! I think I'll use it from now on. Thanks!

[Seeing Red]

I unfriended an adulteress on FB today.

She's a friend and former classmate of my sister and about 3 weeks ago, she wrote on FB that she and her husband had told their children that day that they were divorcing. She said something along the lines of, "The reasons aren't important, it's just not working anymore." I wrote on her wall that I would keep her in my prayers.

Sucker!

Today she wrote, "I'm in a relationship, and it's complicated."

Really? Three weeks after you announced your divorce? Complicated?

Let me see if I can simplify it. It means:

*She's in the midst of an affair
*She walked away from her family
*Threw her husband of 18 years under the bus
*So she could go have sex with someone who did the same thing to his family
*And they'll both regret it in 2-3 years

See? Not complicated at all!

Man, am I getting good at "reading between the lines" or what?

UNFRIEND!

[TimeHeals]

Good

[Jointheclub]

OK, I have to respond to this one - a chance to vent. This "friend" sounds like my WH. Let me change the pronoun and add a few things.

It means:

*He's in the midst of an affair with a "good" family friend/former neighbor
*OW had affair with another neighbor 5 years ago before my WH (!)
*he walked away from his family (he's not abandoning the family, he's just wants out of the marriage, but still wants the kids)
*Threw his wife of 23 years under the bus
*So he could go have sex and have his unmet emotional needs met perfectly by someone who did the same thing to her family
*Told wife I still love you but I'm not in love with you anymore.
*Be happy for me. I'll always be your friend and take care of you.
*We didn't fail, our relationship failed. (GAG!)
*I want to get the kids 50% of the time. They're resilient and will be fine as long as we're excellent co-parents and model a "loving" relationship to them (huh?)

*And they'll both regret it in 2-3 years - I HOPE SO!!!! but not before they've emotionally damaged all the kids.

OK, I could go on and on. Thanks for letting me vent. Really got to get it out once and awhile.

I know I need to forgive some day but I'm not there yet!!!! I always add a prayer that God will allow them both to experience GREAT misery as a result of their choice. I just can't accept the possibility that they will be happy and are truly soulmates (gag me!)

So thank goodness for me that I have Larry's program. I think it's the only thing keeping me sane, although I don't know how well I am applying it. Some days I really struggle with wanting to keep caring. I can see why it can be easy to just throw in the towel.
------------------------------------
W-47, H-47
DD-12, DD-5
EA since '97 and surely PA now
ILYBINILWY Sept. '09
Separated - 4/17/10
OW-46, divorce pending 7/10

[Seeing Red]

JTC -

The emotional roller coaster is hell! They justify ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in order to make it palatable enough to sleep at night. Why can't they see the damage they've done?