Correction: Cyrena, what you suggest sounds like my wife. I can just hear her saying it (quality is more important than quantity) as the reason for NOT having sex at any given moment.
It's interesting how we all tend to come up with really good explanations that "fit" our personal agenda and basic desires which have nothing to do with the proposed logic. I guess that's called "rationalization".
Hi again ssmguy, I was writing my little 'book' above, while Cyrena was posting that your W had be abused as a child. I hadn't known that while I was posting. Just wanted to say I was so sorry to read that - how sad. It must be a difficult thing for you BOTH to work through. Don't know if any of what I wrote above helps, but still, am thinking good thoughts for both of you that you're able to reconnect and find a compromise that works for you both.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
or do such men find that completely open, connected, explorative, passionate, satisfying, mature sex leaves them requiring far less frequency?
Cyrena, I have to admit you got under my skin with this comment -- it reminded me of what my wife said sometimes! Except she would take it to logical absurdity by ALWAYS having a "reason" like this for NOT having sex at any moment it was suggested, week after week, month after month!
So I got curious and tried to find your old posts to see what you're all about and why you would even propose such a thing -- that real love might result in far less frequency. I found a few old posts in which you described your husband and the OW, and how your husband was totally in the fog. Wow, you've been through a lot of stuff.
prairiegirl, no need to apologize for anything! Thank you very much for your long and thoughtful post. It's always interesting to understand the differences and similarities of other situations to your own. Otherwise, you'd be blinded by thinking only of your own situation over and over again.
As for the birth control pill reducing desire, that's a funny Catch-22, isn't it? If you take the pill, you might end up having no sex. If you go off the pill, your desire might pick up and you'll have sex!
It's even "funnier" in my case, if you like "dark humor" -- hey, you have to be able to laugh about these things -- my wife hasn't used birth control pills in decades because we have a totally SSM. So, hey, that is at least one positive result of an SSM -- all the money you save on birth control pills, not to mention the health complications some women have from them.
Yeah, so birth control really hasn't been an issue in my marriage for the last 20 years, thanks to a long-term SSM.
(Dead uncomfortable silence) Hey, at least I thought it was funny!
we've gone to a therapist, and once we started talking about her, she refused to go anymore, because she said that there was nothing wrong with her, and she is the normal one, that everybody she knows is just like her. she also got her hormones checked and they are fine.
Everything you say is almost an exact match to my situation and my wife. As for being normal -- and that's been a point of argument for us too, and it goes nowhere useful -- it's not about who's normal, it's about how two people can accomodate each other. I know you know that, but I'll say it anyway. In fact, few people are near or exactly at "normal". I've heard of marriages where BOTH partners have NO interested in sex. That may not be "normal", but you won't see them in therapy because they're HAPPY. Which proves how useless the concept of "normal" is.
Rather, what you might say is that it is "normal" for an LD person who is married to an HD person to try to increase their sexual interest somehow, just as it might be normal for a considerate HD person to try to regulate downward their sexual drive by various means. It's normal to be considerate. How about that for constructive definition of "normal"?
Maybe we should take everybody posting to this forum and move them to France, where it is more acceptable and normal for men to have a mistress for sex, and for women to have a sensitive lover on the side.
we've gone to a therapist, and once we started talking about her, she refused to go anymore, because she said that there was nothing wrong with her, and she is the normal one, that everybody she knows is just like her. she also got her hormones checked and they are fine.
Everything you say is almost an exact match to my situation and my wife. As for being normal -- and that's been a point of argument for us too, and it goes nowhere useful -- it's not about who's normal, it's about how two people can accomodate each other. I know you know that, but I'll say it anyway. In fact, few people are near or exactly at "normal". I've heard of marriages where BOTH partners have NO interested in sex. That may not be "normal", but you won't see them in therapy because they're HAPPY. Which proves how useless the concept of "normal" is.
Rather, what you might say is that it is "normal" for an LD person who is married to an HD person to try to increase their sexual interest somehow, just as it might be normal for a considerate HD person to try to regulate downward their sexual drive by various means. It's normal to be considerate. How about that for constructive definition of "normal"?
Maybe we should take everybody posting to this forum and move them to France, where it is more acceptable and normal for men to have a mistress for sex, and for women to have a sensitive lover on the side.
ssmguy,
I know a few families where your wifes behavior is normal. The husband gets shut down and learns to be happy. How you live your life is up to you. I just can't believe that my partner is going to cause me to totally let me lose a avenue of pleasure that was provided by god, especially in marriage. I think its totally selfish.
we've gone to a therapist, and once we started talking about her, she refused to go anymore, because she said that there was nothing wrong with her, and she is the normal one, that everybody she knows is just like her. she also got her hormones checked and they are fine.
Everything you say is almost an exact match to my situation and my wife. As for being normal -- and that's been a point of argument for us too, and it goes nowhere useful -- it's not about who's normal, it's about how two people can accomodate each other. I know you know that, but I'll say it anyway. In fact, few people are near or exactly at "normal". I've heard of marriages where BOTH partners have NO interested in sex. That may not be "normal", but you won't see them in therapy because they're HAPPY. Which proves how useless the concept of "normal" is.
Rather, what you might say is that it is "normal" for an LD person who is married to an HD person to try to increase their sexual interest somehow, just as it might be normal for a considerate HD person to try to regulate downward their sexual drive by various means. It's normal to be considerate. How about that for constructive definition of "normal"?
Maybe we should take everybody posting to this forum and move them to France, where it is more acceptable and normal for men to have a mistress for sex, and for women to have a sensitive lover on the side.
I think we need to stop thinking life or our marriage is about "me", and its about "us".
I do alot of things when I don't want to and not necessarily what I wanted to do for my significant other. Some of these things put pressure on me, some of them waste time and some make me feel uncomfortable.
I would expect that a wife who loves her husband and wants him to feel as a man should would allow penetrative sex at some reasonable frequency even if she doesn't necessarily feel like it. She gives it to him because she wants him to have it.
I do alot of things when I don't want to and not necessarily what I wanted to do for my significant other. Some of these things put pressure on me, some of them waste time and some make me feel uncomfortable.
My wife would say, yes, she does a lot of things for the family that are very helpful and appreciated. And she thinks that should at least partly make up for the lack of sex. And one of the things that I'm expected to do which makes me uncomfortable is put up with the lack of sex. It seems fair in her mind.
Quote:
I would expect that a wife who loves her husband and wants him to feel as a man should would allow penetrative sex at some reasonable frequency even if she doesn't necessarily feel like it.
Well, she buys me Playboy calendars and such. Better than nothing, she figures.
Giving herself to me to be "used" for sex might be a little tougher for someone who was sexually abused as a child. Or at least that's part of what she's using as an excuse.
There was an Oprah show some years ago about women and their loss of interest in sex in their marriages. The audience gasped when one woman in the focus group admitted that she watches TV when her husband is having sex with her. She responded to the audience by saying that, no, it's OK with him, and I just watch TV while he does his business. The biggest laugh, though, was when Oprah, out of curiosity, asked which show she would watch at those times. She confessed, Oprah!
Your saying your last penetrative act was 15 years ago? No way.
How do you mean "no way"? As in, "I don't believe that", or as in "that's amazing and unusual"?
Am I setting a record on the Divorcebusting forum? Do I get a prize?! Do I get bonus points for being HD?
Yeah, it's been so long now that my memory of it has faded, and I've gotten really curious about what it's like to have intercourse, not to mention a woman having an orgasm which I've never experienced.
And yeah, when I review what I've written above, and think about it -- yep, I think my marriage qualifies as bona fide SSM!
