Realized I hadn't read my Cainer.com forecast yesterday and went back to look at it just now. Here it is:
It doesn't matter how loud your guitar is. Or your trumpet. Or your drum. If you are in a soundproof room, nobody else will be able to hear it. But if the door is open, the noise will travel. There is nothing wrong with what you are saying or doing at the moment. There is, though, something less than ideal about the place in which you are doing it. You need to gain the attention of your audience and make sure that they are within earshot of your performance. Put yourself in the right position this weekend, and everything will work well.
Lots of ways of interpreting this, but after reading MWD's article earlier today, I've concluded that WH is in a MAJOR state of confusion right now because he's been running his mouth at work about our problems, they've vilified me as a group (especially since the last exposure), and now that he's thinking about reconciling, he's got "Team WH" telling him he's out of his mind.
THAT'S why he's been forcing a distance between me and them and treating me so poorly in front of them - he's trying to save face with his buds.
I'd already concluded that I need to create confusion among them by singing WH's praises to them, but I wasn't sure how to do it. After reading the forecast, it occurred to me I missed a PERFECT opportunity yesterday when he and one of his grad students went somewhere in WH's car and they returned it to the house before they walked back to work. I heard grad student laugh, heard both guys out there talking to the kids in the driveway, but didn't go out and say hello or add to conversation.
From now on I will, since his audience can't hear me from behind closed doors...:)
Cainer sure is in tune with the universe! Freaky! It is nice to hear what you need to hear at the right time! Kinda like a big arrow that points at what we need to be looking into at the moment.
I believe MWD is right in her article when she says spouses need to be careful with what they say to others. One should not run around ranting and raving to anyone who will listen. Too many folks just enjoy listening for the entertainment value and for gossip fodder. That is not exposure either.
Exposure is carefully planned and executed to ensure support for your M. Red, I know you will be the first to admit that you did more of the hysterical ranting thing (perfectly normal response but damaging). For exposure to work, you must calmly inform that "my S is having an A with OW/OM and you want to save your M. Please encourage them to end their A, so that you can repair your M." No need to share gory details, personal feelings beyond this at this point. The response will tell you who can talk to about this as time goes on.
I found it very interesting (and somewhat hurtful too) to see who our real friends were. Some totally distanced themselves. Some stood up to H and OW. Some check in to 'hear the latest"; to these I respond with "nothing new, same ole stuff" or "I am not up to talking about it today" if they are persistent. I feel fortunate to have 2 girlfriends IRL that understand what I am doing and totally support me (and kisten to ranting while knowing I love my H). AND there is you guys who are living it with me!
My exposure did not end the A, but did have a negative effect. The AP's have no friends to socialize with as a couple. H tried to tell folks that I was awful, crazy, a shrew, whatever, but nobody bought it b/c they had already talked to an upset but calm BS who wanted to save her M.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I recalled this morning after reading MWD article that back when WH and I were dating off and on and he was living in a college town 100 miles away, the friend who introduced us told me she and her boyfriend had been invited to WH's birthday at college and he was there with another girl. He didn't invite me, but I sent him a card and gift and told him how much I missed him. I thought he'd been spending the day alone.
My friend was sickened by it, but her boyfriend told her to keep quiet, that it was none of their business. She told me anyway (she's still a great friend!). I was hurt, but WH and I weren't exclusive - as he was quick to point out when I asked him about it. I told him that was true, and of course he should see other girls -- just as I should see other guys since we weren't exclusive. He didn't like that idea one bit! A few weeks later, we agreed to exclusivity.
But during those few weeks in between, I happened to mention to another "friend" that he was seeing someone else, and I didn't like it. I told her not to tell anyone - which of course she DID. She couldn't wait to dish the dirt. We were visiting our favorite teacher on maternity leave together a few days later when WH's name came up and the teacher said, "I thought you dumped him for cheating!" Aghast, I looked straight at my "friend" - who tried to crawl under her seat. I never trusted her again.
I told 1 PERSON.
Yet for the next 3 YEARS, every now and again I'd get an out-of-the-blue comment about "that cheater" from someone when I least expected it. The morning of my wedding I had one of my friends' mothers stop by the bridal room and say, "Are you sure you want to go through with this? It's not too late to call it off, you know. Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Yes, that was prophetic!
But the point is, people hear stuff, pick sides, and offer their advice whether you want it or not.
I'm pretty sure that's what's happening here.
Yes, my "exposure" technique was totally wack and I ended up looking like a fool. But he's surrounded himself by "yes" men at work who listened to his tale of whoa and who have NO idea what's REALLY happening here at home. They only know what he's told them and what hysteria OW created by being called a sl*t. And by keeping me away from everyone, they intend to keep it that way.
Meanwhile, my family and friends have NO idea what's been going on. It helps that they live a distance from me. I intend to keep them in the dark, because I know what'd they say: leave him. Without knowing what's in my heart, head, bank account, or otherwise, they'd vilify WH like his co-workers have vilified me and make reconciliation all but impossible. Regardless of what happens between us, they'd hold it against him for the rest of his life. My prior experience tells me that.
I don't want that. If we get past this and reconcile, I want him to be treated the same as he always has been. If we don't, then - and only then - will they know the truth. Then they'll tell me, "You did the right thing by leaving."
So...anyone else dealing with "Team WH" vs "Team BS?"
What's the best way to go about getting EVERYONE ELSE out of your business so you can decide what's best for the two of you? I'm looking for a game plan.
Seeing Red, I've been reading along about your sitch.
I'll tell you how to deal with it. Don't worry what anyone else has to say or think about your sitch. They aren't living your life.
You'll find that what people don't know about your sitch, they'll make up. Confide in one or two close supportive friends that know how to keep their mouths shut and forget about everyone else.
Thanks, Seeking Answers, that makes sense to ME but probably won't fly with WH. I'm more than happy to dump the "peanut gallery" but he works with them and I'm not sure how much influence they still have on him. His looking at apartments online last night really threw me.
Today he was back to flirting and calling me pet names, so I'm not sure WHAT'S rattling around in his head! Will continue to DB and have pleasant interactions for now...
Your H is going to continue flirting with you.. It's part of the cake eating setup he has going on.. its not something to take positively.. He's showing pleasure in the fact that you are allowing his affair is all...
We share a house, kids, and bills. We sleep two floors away from each other and typically spend less than 30 minutes a day together. That's not cake - it's sawdust.
Allowing?
I have hollered long and hard since the beginning and all I have to show for my efforts is an estranged husband and an arrest record.
If I'd thrown him out, changed the locks, and properly exposed the affair WHEN I DISCOVERED IT two years ago, OW would be history and we'd be in recovery. I didn't do it - had no idea how to do it - and now I'm paying the price.
If I try to do it NOW, my marriage is over. WH would walk away and never look back. He'd lose his job and his career because the University would rather get rid of him than enforce their own rules.
Yes, I could make a stink, file lawsuits, get newspapers involved and the like to prove my point and put blame where it belongs, but that would not restore my marriage and allow my children to grow up with their father.
So...at what point do you forfeit the battle in order to win the war?
I've seen more positive behavior out of WH in the last 2 weeks than in the last 2 years. We're communicating like old times. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
Yet he's TORN by conflict.
Last night he was looking at apartments online. Tonight he told me we should go look at a nearby horse farm that's up for sale (something we've talked about doing for 5 or 6 years that he hasn't mentioned in months).
Yesterday he came home late and was screaming at the kids. Today he was up early wanting to do stuff with them (rare).
He went to work after dinner tonight (OW was there). But then he was home early and came up to my room twice to talk to me (again, rare).
My head is spinning from all the incongruity!
Something's gotta give soon. Jekyll/Hide cannot continue to co-exist.
I still think it's because he's enjoying the "new and improved" happier and more confident me (thanks Larry!), yet his co-workers (and OW) are telling him it's a trick and not to believe it. I can't blame them. My behavior has been erratic and unpredictable the last two years (understandable).
But if you'll look back at my first post in early May, I started it by saying that after "doing more of the same that didn't work, I decided to do a 180."
They don't know that. They don't know that I've been working hard for two months to make changes and restore my marriage instead of laying awake at night trying to figure out how to cause trouble for OW.
So I've got my work cut out for me not only in restoring my marriage but also my good name - and I really appreciate all of you allowing me to vent the lows and celebrate the highs here instead of acting like a fool and pushing my WH further away.
Hey, Red.. I can relate right now to being vilified.. I just got first hand intel on what my H and OW say about me behind my back. And yet to my face, until today when I called OW's mom (OW lives in her house, but pays rent and utilities), he's been funny and sweet and everything that he was two years ago.
If H respects me so little to talk about me that way with someone else.. I'm having a hard time holding on to my belief that marriage is more important than walking away.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I know it's painful to hear - no one likes to be criticized -- but the trash talking about you is how they're justifying their relationship. The bigger he makes your faults seem, the easier it is for him to rationalize the infidelity. If he thought you were perfect, he wouldn't need OW.
And they'll literally make "mountains out of molehills" to prove their point. When I was snooping, I found a long list of "issues" WH had with me. It was interesting to see his perspective. He didn't like:
*How I handle money (because he once tried to check into a hotel with a maxed out credit card and was declined back in 1992)
*How lenient I am with the kids' studies (they're all honors students - oldest daughter will likely get a full scholarship to all girls' high school)
*That I don't entertain regularly (because his idea of hosting is for him to have all the fun, laughing and charming the guests, while I do all the work: clean house, get groceries, cook, and clean up)
My favorite?
*That I wasn't a biblical scholar (like OW supposedly is - how ironic is that? Quick - name the 6th Commandment!)
Maybe I'm crazy, but of all the reasons a man COULD cite for cheating on his wife, NOT being a biblical scholar seems like kind of a reach - particularly since he's not very religious!
So understand that the vilification is going to happen, elvencat. You just want to limit it to as few as people as possible so it doesn't interfere with the reconciliation process (if that's still an option for you).
SR - DON'T beat yourself up. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20! You did what you thought was best at the time. You might have done it the other way and you'd still be in the same place today. You just can't control the other person/people and how they're going to react.
I feel like you at times. My WH's EA affair with the neighbor (OW) grew slowly over the last few years (hard to say when it "happened") and he told her in 9/09 that he would be her emotional support so she could stay in her M with her H. Huh? I didn't know any of this until Dec. 08 and from there forward have tried everything from Mort Fertel to many hours of reading to Larry to "fix" it. I'm sure some would say I'm crazy and should have exposed. I have to remind myself that I did what I thought was best at the time as I was completely blindsided and devastated about my marriage ending. In reality I think I needed that much time to start to accept that it might be over.
So, bottom line is I think you should give yourself tremendous credit for taking the path you did. Hang in there!
I'm still trying to stay on the wave. Freddy gets me often!!
--------------------------------- M 47, H 47 DD 5, DD 12 Married 23.5 years, T 27 years Separated 4/17/10 EA/PA - started probably about 3 years ago
