Since we've had several days of pleasant, short interactions in which WH has been acting like his old self, I felt a strong need to spend more time with him last night. I know it wasn't good distancing and DBing, but after weighing the pros and cons for several minutes, I decided to sit and watch part of a movie with him ("Journey to the Center of the Earth" with Brendan Frasier).
It was nice - just the two of us. I asked several science-related questions throughout, knowing he'd know the answer (what species is that? What classification?), then I praised him and marveled out how smart he is. He, of course, ate it up. By the end of the movie, we were laughing and joking like we used to. IT FELT SO GOOD!
Then he brushed his teeth and went downstairs to the basement without saying a word.
I sighed and went to bed myself, wondering WHY IN THE WORLD he's being SO stubborn! I know he has to do this in his own time, and he IS coming back to me SLOWLY, but I'm getting worn out, doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship myself.
I heard him up at 4 am.
I thought it was an intruder, because he's NEVER up at that hour, but then I heard him putting ice cubes in a glass and getting water. I went to the top of the stairs to listen. He stood in the kitchen for a long moment, sighed and said "Damnit!" before he went back downstairs.
I'm not sure what to make of it. He's acting SO confused! The tension between us is gone - no more eggshells - yet he's sticking to the basement and avoiding relationship talks like the plague.
I have my last call with Larry today and will quiz him on this, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has seen this kind of behavior. Is he getting ready to bolt? Or is he wrestling with a desire to reconcile? Any input?
And if it IS a desire to reconcile, what can I do to tip his hand in my favor?
Red, my DB coach awhile back told me that when stbxh and I shared good times together, to expect him then to retreat after. Like he is putting up a wall to remind himself and me that no, he is with OW. No....this is confusing.
The coach wasn't just saying this for my "unique" situation- he said that it is what WASs do.
Just no pressure....go with the flow....let him pursue you...and trust your instincts! Think back to the dating days with anyone. Drop some crumbs, walk away, let them follow the crumbs to you! I can't wait to hear with Larry says.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I think you're right, NewMama - DB coach told me the same thing and Larry said to expect more bad than good as WH tries to sort it out. But (as my father used to say) "I've slept since then" and it all went out of my head! Thanks for the reminder!
I still think his biggest problem is that he ran his mouth at work, got a committee together to justify leaving me, and now that we're back to having a pleasant relationship, that committee keeps telling him he's going soft, it's a trick, etc.
I haven't told WH that I've sought help and am working with a counselor...I wonder if that would make a difference to him? As Allen says, "Show by example."
I still think his biggest problem is that he ran his mouth at work, got a committee together to justify leaving me, and now that we're back to having a pleasant relationship, that committee keeps telling him he's going soft, it's a trick, etc.
???Sorry, but if this is even true, I can't see him telling his committee about his change in the relationship with you!
He is a scientist, right? (Warning: am about to use the wrong terminology but I hope you still get what I mean!) Let's say he has tested a hypothesis with some preliminary labs and is feeling confident that it could be a theory that pans out.
So he brags about his theory and plans his experiment and sets it up and is confident his hypothesis will be accurate. Well, after a few weeks, things start changing opposite of what he had predicted...his ego is a little hurt, he feels insecure about the idea that he was wrong, and has no intention of letting his colleagues know at this juncture that it looks like he might have made a mistake... so he keeps it to himself for awhile. Again, he really wants to believe he knew what he was doing and was correct! So he isn't going to give up just yet,
Ok I feel sheepish and hope you get what I am saying!
Quote:
I haven't told WH that I've sought help and am working with a counselor...I wonder if that would make a difference to him? As Allen says, "Show by example."
Hmm....
I say NO! Never reveal your secret weapon until you've won the war! What if he thinks "OH! THAT'S WHY she has been acting so different...I thought she was changing for real!"
how many times have we read that the WASs get pissed off when we start making changes and improving because we didn't do it when they wanted to be with us. They are skeptical to see if the changes are real and will last. So give it more time!
And do you really think a counselor will help him while he is still addicted to OW? I could think maybe if he WANTS HELP in breaking his affair with OW.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
The counseling for you, to show by example may have helped you a few years ago. Keep it to yourself for now. H is too far into the addiction. You will know when the time is right. (not yet)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
The thing SR, you put 1000 bucks down on Larry, going to us for advice right now is contaminating that.. if Larry says he can end this thing in x amount of time and you put that money down you need to avoid contaminating his program with advice from here...
If you decide to end the program with him and take a new approach later then that's a whole other business, but coming to us for advice is going to potentially contaminate a different approach from L
There's no point in putting money down in a program and then contaminating it...
Just got off my call with Larry - really, REALLY good stuff! I'm SO glad I took this course!
Basically, my WH's problem right now is this:
He (and his committee, most likely) was TOTALLY convinced it's time to go, I'll never change, he can't make it work, it's completely hopeless, etc. He was gonna serve his six months of in-house separation, move out, file, and call it a marriage.
The problem is, between the 180 and Larry's course, I HAVE changed - and things are anything BUT hopeless. I'm happier and more confident than I've been in YEARS! The kids are happier. The whole household is less stressed. He can feel it in the air.
It doesn't matter WHAT he says or does - all he gets from me is positive feedback. He can stay out late, miss dinner, come and go as he pleases - just like he's a single guy. I won't make a peep. I also won't typically spend more than 5 minutes in the same room as him.
He took FULL advantage of it for 6-7 weeks. But now he's beginning to stop and question things. Why won't I get mad? Why is there no drama? Why don't I seem to even care about him any more? He has NO idea what to make of it! (All by design, of course.)
So we've got some more roller coaster time ahead as he tries to bait the nasty wife some more so he can justify an exit. Eventually, if all goes according to plan, he'll eventually snap out of it and realize that I'm "the better princess" (as Jack Three Beans calls it) and ditch the dumb bell in distress he tried to save (OW).
Meanwhile, Larry agrees with you NM & WN - keep my mouth shut. It's not the right time. WH will read something negative into it to fit his agenda.
Finally! I did SOMETHING right out of instinct! Lol!
So after our pleasant evening last night, WH asked me if I'd like to a go to a colleague's house for 4th of July. It's the first time since March he's asked me to do ANYTHING with someone from his work, so I was surprised.
The A is due to wind down... I don't normally reccomend riding it otu since it can take three years or more... but you appear to have the stomach for it...
In your particular case you have a threat that is only short term anyhow... You have indicated OW does not want your H long term... which is not the case iwth many of the affairs on this forum, i think yours is almost unique there... save maybe for QS...
The co-workers WH complained to about our marriage, headed by OW.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
The thing SR, you put 1000 bucks down on Larry, going to us for advice right now is contaminating that.. if Larry says he can end this thing in x amount of time and you put that money down you need to avoid contaminating his program with advice from here...
If you decide to end the program with him and take a new approach later then that's a whole other business, but coming to us for advice is going to potentially contaminate a different approach from L
There's no point in putting money down in a program and then contaminating it...
Contaminating isn't exactly the right word. Ancillary advice is more accurate.
Larry advocates SOME methods similar to MWD, like the 180, but he doesn't believe exposure works for everyone. He also doesn't refer to an affair or MLC "fog" - he calls it So-and-so's "Freddy" (like Freddy Kruger), the evil that resides in all of us (think cartoon angel and devil on your shoulder - Freddy's the devil), and he feels it comes on strong at various stressful times as a result of childhood trauma and/or family relationship patterns.
I ask questions and look for feedback in this forum because I don't have access to Larry 24/7 and I like to vent, make friends, and talk to others. Sometimes the advice aligns with Larry's, sometimes it doesn't. I take it or don't based on what I've learned, kind of like eating the cauliflower and avoiding the bread on a buffet table if I'm on a diet.
Did Larry STOP my divorce in 4 weeks? I don't know. He certainly ARRESTED it in 4 weeks, because WH is DEFINITELY rethinking his options right now as a result of the things I learned and have implemented with Larry.
I understand things SO much better than I did before, and I know this affair wasn't my fault. Yes, I made it easier by ignoring my husband in favor of the kids, and I gave him ample opportunity by allowing him as much time as he wanted at work, but given the 150+ history of EVERY man in WH's ancestry abandoning his family by age 50 (usually in favor of an OW), the odds were stacked against me. That program for dealing with mid-life stress in WH's family was written long before I happened on the scene.
So...I appreciate everyone's input above and beyond what I've learned from Larry.
Do I feel like I wasted $1000? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Larry's course is worth 10X the amount I paid for it because I've learned more and have had more positive response from my husband in the last two weeks than in the last two years. I just wish I had found it sooner...
