H moved in w/ OW. Wants month to fig things out.

[seanna]

I do. Maybe this isn't the right thing at all. I'm really having second thoughts about busting this now. Do you think it could be saved?

[Allen A]

Well, that's the idea.. you CAN attack the affair by exposing his cheating by texting you to OW... But it isn't likely necessary... My main worry is he's an addict.. He's just gonig to cheat again unless you have a good family therapist lined up

It's not hopeless, but your H has a VERY LONG ROad to walk here... AFTER hte affair is over... THAT is the part I am worried about... You want to know he's not gonig to do this again.. you don't just want him back.. you want a MAN back.. he's just a coward right now... a cowardly, selfish, addict... you don't want that in your home...

[Allen A]

I do. Maybe this isn't the right thing at all. I'm really having second thoughts about busting this now. Do you think it could be saved?

I think you need to :

a. Bust the affair
b. Keep in protection phase UNTIL he's seeing a family therapist that YOU sign off on REGULARLY AND the FT thinks he's grown up enough for you to expose your kids to him again

Ending the affair is just teh first step

[seanna]

Yes, you're right. I need to find out about therapist and stuff like that for after the affair. Boy, you think of everything!! I hadn't even gotten that far ahead of myself. Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me. It's been so hard, and it seems I've done everything wrong until you opened my eyes.

[seanna]

Ok, so much info. I'm getting exhausted. Again, I appreciate all you've done & I'm definately going to stick with it. I'll post again tomorrow, but for now, off to bed. I have to get up with the kids in the a.m. Thanks again, Seanna

[Allen A]

YOu need to start seeing teh FT NOW to set an example for H to follow dont' wait for the affair to end

[seanna]

Well, I woke up this morning and I have an new outlook in life. I read the book again, and I have to say.

I'm attached to the relationship but not in love anymore. I'm going to file for divorce and move on with my life. This is just too toxic for me, and I really don't care if he stays with the OW or not.

I think that I was upset that I "lost" but I realize that I've won because he's not here and for that I'm relieved. I don't want to fight for him, I just want to be done. Too much has happened and I don't want to be with a person like that any longer.

I didn't mention that he was also a drug addict, alcoholic, he just got arrested for shop lifting, lost his job of 10 years, and many more things that would just be crazy if I wanted to keep this toxic person in my life. It' so over!!! Thanks for your help and I'll probably pos here again because the hurt of the betrayal still stings, but other than that. I've made up my mind

[Allen A]

Hi Seanna, I respect your decision, you have children and you are a model of adulthood here... I DO understand how painful this is, but your courage and maturity makes the pain bearable and your efforts worthy of applause... well done!

[Sugar and Spice]

((Seanna))

I too respect your decision to do whatever you have to do for yourself and your kids. I also know from personal experience that it is all too easy to get sucked back into the drama and BS by an addict. His texts and the things he is saying to you are right out of my own experiences. Your H has no more intention of ending his A with OW at the deadline than he did at any other time. He is getting exactly what he wants/needs at this point and has 2 people catering to his every whim. Where is the benefit to him of doing anything but riding the fence when he can cake eat and get another ego boost?

My H is also an addict and I know how hard it is to stick to your guns when the person you love so much is hurting and "Needs" you. He "needs" to grow up, step up and deal with his life. As long as you will accept his sub-standard treatment of you, he will oblige you. Don't waste your time or energy talking/exposing/pleading with the OW because this only serves to make her want H more. This is their game as long as you let them have all of the power. Trust me on this one because I have lived it...the best thing you can do is let them have each other. Cut him off cold turkey. Get a plan together for yourself. Protect yourself financially, emotionally and physically. If he never has any consequences for his actions then there is no reason to stop.

If I had taken the advice of the kind people on these boards I would have been spared so much pain and agony and I believe that had I stepped away from the situation then the disintigration of their R would have come much quicker than it did. You can find my posts under Sugar & Spice. Its ugly and painful, but its mine and if anything, maybe it can spare someone else the misery I put myself through.

Its easy to give someone else advice because you don't have to walk in their shoes, but I have been where you are and now that I'm on the mend I see things so much clearer now. Until he is FORCED to make a choice, he will choose to do nothing. Unless or until you remove yourself from the equation, he really doesn't have a choice to make. If you get mad or pull away, he just does whatever he has to do to pull you back in...a text message here, and I love you or I miss you there, maybe even some time together. He will do it, to keep the situation stable.

When I first found out there was someone else we went to MC and our counselor told us that when there are 3 people in a M that it creates a triangle and that once it becomes stable (everyone knows & the A is still active) the WAS does whatever they need to keep the triangle stable. Until one of the arms of the triangle is removed (you or OW) the situation cannot/will not change.

I hope you have more strength than I did and I'll be here to support you as best I can, but for once put yourself and your boys first and let H live the consequences of the choices he has made. Its not something that happens over night, it will be a long hard process and I guarantee he will kick and scream and throw a fit and try ANYTHING in his power to stabilize that triangle because in that triangle, he is the only winner.

[seanna]

Thanks for your email. I know that you've gone through exactly what I'm going through, and as much as I want to believe that my situation is different, it isn't. I'm learning the hard way unfortuneatly, and I need the support of this site to make it through. Thanks for being an ear for me.