I know a few families where your wifes behavior is normal. The husband gets shut down and learns to be happy.
I wouldn't say I'm happy with it. It's just that we have both learned to keep our differences about this completely seperate from all the other aspects of our marriage which work very well.
And I'm not sexually shut down by any means, except in the sense that I'm shut off from my wife. I know some men feel so rejected that their sexuality takes a hike, and they develop ED, etc. That was never the case with me, perhaps because the biological aspect of my drive has always been resilient. I'm ready for sex even when I have the flu and running a temperature of 102 degrees.
My advice for wives of HD men is that if you don't attend to their sexual needs, don't count on their sexuality to just subside. Rather it's like water -- it will flow elsewhere as sure as the sun comes up.
I know a few families where your wifes behavior is normal. The husband gets shut down and learns to be happy.
I wouldn't say I'm happy with it. It's just that we have both learned to keep our differences about this completely seperate from all the other aspects of our marriage which work very well.
And I'm not sexually shut down by any means, except in the sense that I'm shut off from my wife. I know some men feel so rejected that their sexuality takes a hike, and they develop ED, etc. That was never the case with me, perhaps because the biological aspect of my drive has always been resilient. I'm ready for sex even when I have the flu and running a temperature of 102 degrees.
My advice for wives of HD men is that if you don't attend to their sexual needs, don't count on their sexuality to just subside. Rather it's like water -- it will flow elsewhere as sure as the sun comes up.
This is your body, after what I now know, I will not take a chance with my partner helping to possibly permenantly reduce my sex drive and any other biological and brain functions which tie to it.
I do alot of things when I don't want to and not necessarily what I wanted to do for my significant other. Some of these things put pressure on me, some of them waste time and some make me feel uncomfortable.
My wife would say, yes, she does a lot of things for the family that are very helpful and appreciated. And she thinks that should at least partly make up for the lack of sex. And one of the things that I'm expected to do which makes me uncomfortable is put up with the lack of sex. It seems fair in her mind.
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I would expect that a wife who loves her husband and wants him to feel as a man should would allow penetrative sex at some reasonable frequency even if she doesn't necessarily feel like it.
Well, she buys me Playboy calendars and such. Better than nothing, she figures.
Giving herself to me to be "used" for sex might be a little tougher for someone who was sexually abused as a child. Or at least that's part of what she's using as an excuse.
There was an Oprah show some years ago about women and their loss of interest in sex in their marriages. The audience gasped when one woman in the focus group admitted that she watches TV when her husband is having sex with her. She responded to the audience by saying that, no, it's OK with him, and I just watch TV while he does his business. The biggest laugh, though, was when Oprah, out of curiosity, asked which show she would watch at those times. She confessed, Oprah!
Put the shoe on the other foot. If your drive was shut down or reduced, and the wife had a mid to high drive, would you not find a way to mostly accomidate her vs her going to someone else to do this or leaving?
I personally would account for it even if I did not "feel like it", its not her problem my drive is lower than hers and being a partnership we should meet somewhere in the middle or the most reasonable position on issues.
Let me ask it a different way. If there was a want or need that your wife had that you could satisfy for her without harming yourself, and to go without it caused her discomfort, pain, feelings of rejection, etc... Would you simply say "I don't feel like doing it, I will do it when I feel like doing it"? Or do you think this is selfish?
I think people don't understand what their doing to someone unless its done to them.
Perhaps you take away one or a couple of important functions away from the wife, just to illustrate? Don't tell her.
I hear you, but you're preaching to the choir. And my wife has already heard all these arguments.
As for taking away important things from my wife that affect other things in our marriage, already been there done that -- that would be letting this problem spill into other unrelated areas of our marriage. That is the typical first reaction people have, which leads to a spiral of denials back and forth spilling out into every area of the marriage and affecting children, creating resentment, and so forth. Each party is denied something in response to something the other party didn't think was important.
If I sound like "been there done that" to most suggestions (which I recognize people provide with the best of helpful intentions), it's the very nature of a long-term problem. Lots of things have already been tried and didn't work.
That's why I started this thread by trying to understand something about myself, and what the possibilities would be for the future for myself, separate from my wife's issues. What are realistic expectations with anyone, including my wife if she could be made more "normal"? Etc. I'm not really looking for a direct solution to my problem, though I certainly don't turn down reading any and all suggestions.
Horny goat weed. I'd get capsules with the powder in it and put it in a fruit juice drink or something you give her. It will raise the libido in females.
Horny goat weed. I'd get capsules with the powder in it and put it in a fruit juice drink or something you give her. It will raise the libido in females.
Please be joking.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Cyrena, you might be right to some degree, but "far less fequency" is not likely in my opinion. It's like proposing that only people who have immature sex have it often, while passionate deep love is only infrequent. That would be sad.
So, if I may politely challenge you Cyrena, what you are suggesting strikes me as the viewpoint of an LD woman.
By "far less often" I meant that even if you went from desiring sexual release, say, 8-9 times a week at the moment to having mindblowing sex 4-5 times a week, that would be a decrease of about 50% ... but I'd hardly call it "sad!"
Personally, I find that after incredible, satisfying sex, I sometimes still feel glutted by it the next day--dwelling on it, still excited by it, and filled with a special tenderness for what I shared with my H. Maybe we'll have sex that day, but often we might just cuddle up and touch and chat. It's kind of like after eating out at really good restaurants a lot while on holiday, I crave a few days of very simple food. I don't see that as "a LD viewpoint" at all.
4-5 times wouldn't be bad. On the day after, when you just wanted to cuddle, what if your H felt aroused from the cuddling and wanted an O? Would you ask "Again?" or say "That's too much!", or would you accomodate him enthusiastically, or something in between?
I'm asking because the concept of positively accomodating is a foreign experience to me. I've never had to accomodate my wife, as she has basically never initiated. And she has rarely accomodated me (mostly turning me down). I have heard other people who had great long term sexual marriages that each partner RARELY turned the other person down, and each partner often initiated. To me, that just sounds like fantasy.
My younger brother believes a marriage with a wife who has your best interest at heart is a fantasy. I have to explain to him there are 100's of different types of women, each with different motives and their emotions are on different scales. SOme of them do want whats best for their partners and want to please them.
I had to tell him "maybe your looking in the wrong place".
The sex life you want is not fantasy, just have to find the right one OR your current wife needs to develop that interest level even if it is mostly for you.
