Are there any women in the approximate age range 40-65 who want sex 5-10 times per week? Or are there any who would at least put up with a partner who wanted it that often? And I'm talking about imaginative, erotic, tantric sexual massage, energetic, fantasy-enchanced, loving, candlelight, etc., sex, not just cold mechanical frequency. And I'm talking about sustaining that kind of energy for years, not just through the honeymoon and a few weeks after.
I sometimes feel that if I were to leave my SSM and look for a compatible sexual partner, I'd have a hard time finding someone near my age who would have the same erotic energy.
ssmugy --
Your original question -- especially the underlined part -- makes it sound as if you are trying to rationalize staying in your marriage. In other words, you are saying to yourself, "I could never find the female equivalent of me out there, so why go through the trauma of divorce in a fruitless quest to find it?" Is that right, or am I misinterpreting what you wrote?
I was aware of that possible rationalization when I wrote it. Right now, I would feel better knowing that there are such women out there, rather than not. The thing is, I've never had a relationship with that type of woman, so it's a bit like taking it on faith. The obvious part is that there are women with high desire -- I've had women come on to me over the years, much like my wife originally did. But what's not so obvious is if all these women would really have a SUSTAINED interest over many years.
After the experience with my wife, and after hearing so many stories from many source about how it's quite normal and common for women to lose desire after childbirth, after which desire often does not fully recover, and further lose it with further childbirths, lose it further with menopause, lose it with the birth control pill, and get bored with their marriage (they say that's normal too), etc. All the "hot sex" marriages I know of personally are either young newlyweds, or divorced and newlyweds. Of all my long-term married friends, it's practically an SSM, not counting those which broke up and we don't hear from any more.
And why are there so darn many articles on how to "spice up your marriage"? There's an article like that in virtually EVERY issue of Redbook Magazine. Well, I figure it's because the majority of marriages are badly in need of it!
I don't have a complicated agenda for my question. I'm just curious. Just like I'm curious what it's like to have intercourse, as it's been 15 years. And I'm curious to see a woman having an orgasm, as I've NEVER seen that.
Ok, I'll bite. Desire is an on and off thing and has been for me since I had my son. (He's 21) I'm peri-menopausal and I guess at 43 I qualify as middle aged.
I would have times when I had desire and then periods of time that it didn't cross my mind. And it was influenced by the interaction with my H. If we'd had a good day I'd be more likely to want to ML than if we'd had an argument 20 minutes before. Also, if he'd acted like I was part of the woodwork until 10 minutes before bed it just wasn't happening.
My H and I have been separated 2 years. We are back in the same house but not in the same bed. Its been 2 years in July since we ML, partly because he has ED and hasn't been to the Doc, and a lot because of our relationship.
My Doc put me on Welbutrin. As it turns out, that ramps up a woman's sex drive. No sex + high drive + living in the same house but not the same bed = frustration and time spent with BOB.
I can't address the not having seen a woman have an orgasm. I've never had that problem, thankfully.
I don't know if that answered your inquiry or not. But it is my perspective on women and daily sex. Even at my highest drive I have never had daily sex or needed that.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Are there any women in the approximate age range 40-65 who want sex 5-10 times per week? Or are there any who would at least put up with a partner who wanted it that often? And I'm talking about imaginative, erotic, tantric sexual massage, energetic, fantasy-enchanced, loving, candlelight, etc., sex, not just cold mechanical frequency. And I'm talking about sustaining that kind of energy for years, not just through the honeymoon and a few weeks after.
I sometimes feel that if I were to leave my SSM and look for a compatible sexual partner, I'd have a hard time finding someone near my age who would have the same erotic energy. It's discouraging to read that a typical "good" long-term marriage in midlife has sex no more than about 1-2 times per week. And a fellow poster on this forum mentioned that she considered herself HD, and would like sex once a week?!? I feel like a sexual freak. I'm in my late 50's, and my sex drive is still about the same as when I was a teenager.
A male friend of mine, about my age, told me recently that at this point in his life, with regard to sex, "he could take it or leave it", and wouldn't be upset if he never had partnered sex the rest of his life. And he's a guy and in perfectly good health otherwise?!?! I feel like most people my age are sexually dead, not to mention my wife.
Is my only hope to look for a much younger woman? Surely there must be some exceptions out there closer to my age, someone who is my sexual female counterpart?
And just to be clear, your first paragraph sounds like a 16 year old boy that has watched too much porn. It is likely that not having ML to your wife in years is giving you the impression that there are women out there that want the same conditions.
There are moments in a couples' life when it will be that hot and steamy, and then other things will intrude and the taxes will have to be done, and the laundry, and the kids are crying, and she's tired, or you are, or any number of reasons.
Have you tried romancing your wife with absolutely no expectations of sex at all? Are you a couple in all other respects? Do you spend time together? Do you share interests? Do you have nearly separate lives, friendships, etc. There is so much that goes into desire. Has she been to the doctor? Does she consider it no problem?? Can you talk to her about this or does she shut you down?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Are there any women in the approximate age range 40-65 who want sex 5-10 times per week? Or are there any who would at least put up with a partner who wanted it that often? And I'm talking about imaginative, erotic, tantric sexual massage, energetic, fantasy-enchanced, loving, candlelight, etc., sex, not just cold mechanical frequency. And I'm talking about sustaining that kind of energy for years, not just through the honeymoon and a few weeks after.
I sometimes feel that if I were to leave my SSM and look for a compatible sexual partner, I'd have a hard time finding someone near my age who would have the same erotic energy. It's discouraging to read that a typical "good" long-term marriage in midlife has sex no more than about 1-2 times per week. And a fellow poster on this forum mentioned that she considered herself HD, and would like sex once a week?!? I feel like a sexual freak. I'm in my late 50's, and my sex drive is still about the same as when I was a teenager.
A male friend of mine, about my age, told me recently that at this point in his life, with regard to sex, "he could take it or leave it", and wouldn't be upset if he never had partnered sex the rest of his life. And he's a guy and in perfectly good health otherwise?!?! I feel like most people my age are sexually dead, not to mention my wife.
Is my only hope to look for a much younger woman? Surely there must be some exceptions out there closer to my age, someone who is my sexual female counterpart?
And just to be clear, your first paragraph sounds like a 16 year old boy that has watched too much porn. It is likely that not having ML to your wife in years is giving you the impression that there are women out there that want the same conditions.
"And just to be clear, your first paragraph sounds like a 16 year old boy that has watched too much porn." - YOU SOUND LIKE ONE WHO IS RESISTANT TO A PERMENANT HOT AND SEXY SEXLIFE WITH YOUR SPOUSE.
They exist, I could not understand how you would think it doesn't exist. I know people who have been like that for 20 plus years, both of them still have that in-love attraction for each other and have sex any time they want.
Originally Posted By: The Wifey
There are moments in a couples' life when it will be that hot and steamy, and then other things will intrude and the taxes will have to be done, and the laundry, and the kids are crying, and she's tired, or you are, or any number of reasons.
Have you tried romancing your wife with absolutely no expectations of sex at all?
I'm sure he has tried romancing her with no expectations, I am sure he has done it for many years knowing he's going to fill her with love and get nothing at all in return. The other thing in having been around these divorce and marriage boards, is 1/2 the time a spouse has no or low interest in sex it is because they are getting it from the outside.
Originally Posted By: The Wifey
Are you a couple in all other respects? Do you spend time together? Do you share interests? Do you have nearly separate lives, friendships, etc. There is so much that goes into desire. Has she been to the doctor? Does she consider it no problem?? Can you talk to her about this or does she shut you down?
He says shes been to the doctor to have hormones checked. I did not see anything about her doing something specifically designed to counter a lowered libido. "The Wifey" - I don't see how you cannot see going 15 years without penetrative sex is not a problem and try to make and excuse for it. Going even more than one month without sex from your spouse is a problem.
"The Wifey" - I don't know a single soul who got married with intention on being celebate during any portion of their marriage. Also I don't know many who get married to expect a greatly reduced sex rate either.
I was aware of that possible rationalization when I wrote it. Right now, I would feel better knowing that there are such women out there, rather than not. The thing is, I've never had a relationship with that type of woman, so it's a bit like taking it on faith. The obvious part is that there are women with high desire -- I've had women come on to me over the years, much like my wife originally did. But what's not so obvious is if all these women would really have a SUSTAINED interest over many years.
After the experience with my wife, and after hearing so many stories from many source about how it's quite normal and common for women to lose desire after childbirth, after which desire often does not fully recover, and further lose it with further childbirths, lose it further with menopause, lose it with the birth control pill, and get bored with their marriage (they say that's normal too), etc. All the "hot sex" marriages I know of personally are either young newlyweds, or divorced and newlyweds. Of all my long-term married friends, it's practically an SSM, not counting those which broke up and we don't hear from any more.
And why are there so darn many articles on how to "spice up your marriage"? There's an article like that in virtually EVERY issue of Redbook Magazine. Well, I figure it's because the majority of marriages are badly in need of it!
I don't have a complicated agenda for my question. I'm just curious. Just like I'm curious what it's like to have intercourse, as it's been 15 years. And I'm curious to see a woman having an orgasm, as I've NEVER seen that.
ssmguy,
YOu need to find some new friends, ones who are having that permenant and long term sex life where its new every time.
I was aware of that possible rationalization when I wrote it. Right now, I would feel better knowing that there are such women out there, rather than not. The thing is, I've never had a relationship with that type of woman, so it's a bit like taking it on faith. The obvious part is that there are women with high desire -- I've had women come on to me over the years, much like my wife originally did. But what's not so obvious is if all these women would really have a SUSTAINED interest over many years.
After the experience with my wife, and after hearing so many stories from many source about how it's quite normal and common for women to lose desire after childbirth, after which desire often does not fully recover, and further lose it with further childbirths, lose it further with menopause, lose it with the birth control pill, and get bored with their marriage (they say that's normal too), etc. All the "hot sex" marriages I know of personally are either young newlyweds, or divorced and newlyweds. Of all my long-term married friends, it's practically an SSM, not counting those which broke up and we don't hear from any more.
And why are there so darn many articles on how to "spice up your marriage"? There's an article like that in virtually EVERY issue of Redbook Magazine. Well, I figure it's because the majority of marriages are badly in need of it!
I don't have a complicated agenda for my question. I'm just curious. Just like I'm curious what it's like to have intercourse, as it's been 15 years. And I'm curious to see a woman having an orgasm, as I've NEVER seen that.
ssmguy,
With my wife - when we weren't having problems the sex GOT BETTER over the years and it felt new every single time, actually better than new. You can keep this going for years as long as one does not get selfish. Women who want the same things are out there, just keep in mind where you are looking. Look at the friends of the woman as well.
Good luck, I would love that you could get your wife to come around. Its going to be tough because its not common for someone who has ignored it for this long to find it important.
However if you can get that orgasm out of her, I am willing to put money that your sexlife will rocket.
So what can you do to get her to orgasm, what can she do to make it more likely she will orgasm quicker ( some kind of supplementation, etc ).
Cyrena, you might be right to some degree, but "far less fequency" is not likely in my opinion. It's like proposing that only people who have immature sex have it often, while passionate deep love is only infrequent. That would be sad.
So, if I may politely challenge you Cyrena, what you are suggesting strikes me as the viewpoint of an LD woman.
By "far less often" I meant that even if you went from desiring sexual release, say, 8-9 times a week at the moment to having mindblowing sex 4-5 times a week, that would be a decrease of about 50% ... but I'd hardly call it "sad!"
Personally, I find that after incredible, satisfying sex, I sometimes still feel glutted by it the next day--dwelling on it, still excited by it, and filled with a special tenderness for what I shared with my H. Maybe we'll have sex that day, but often we might just cuddle up and touch and chat. It's kind of like after eating out at really good restaurants a lot while on holiday, I crave a few days of very simple food. I don't see that as "a LD viewpoint" at all.
All the HD LBS's need to get together and actually be happy for a change.
I'm sure he has tried romancing her with no expectations, I am sure he has done it for many years knowing he's going to fill her with love and get nothing at all in return. The other thing in having been around these divorce and marriage boards, is 1/2 the time a spouse has no or low interest in sex it is because they are getting it from the outside.
He says shes been to the doctor to have hormones checked. I did not see anything about her doing something specifically designed to counter a lowered libido. "The Wifey" - I don't see how you cannot see going 15 years without penetrative sex is not a problem and try to make and excuse for it. Going even more than one month without sex from your spouse is a problem.
"The Wifey" - I don't know a single soul who got married with intention on being celebate during any portion of their marriage. Also I don't know many who get married to expect a greatly reduced sex rate either.
I did not defend the wife nor did I say 15 years without penetrative sex is not a problem. If you read my first response to him you will see that I am in the Same FREAKIN boat, pal. It is a problem. A big, huge problem. But the more it becomes a hurdle the harder it is to get over it.
I never expected to be celebate at 41, 42, 43, going on 44. I started out by responding what MY Experience was. Then I asked questions because I didn't know all of the sitch. My bad for not taking an hour to read it all I suppose.
It isn't only a man that has a hard time without ML. If all I wanted was SEX that would have happened a long time ago. In the meantime I take care of my own needs. I have not gone all that time without an orgasm and I thank the good Lord above for blessing someone with the idea to create Double A Batteries!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I'm sure he has tried romancing her with no expectations, I am sure he has done it for many years knowing he's going to fill her with love and get nothing at all in return. The other thing in having been around these divorce and marriage boards, is 1/2 the time a spouse has no or low interest in sex it is because they are getting it from the outside.
He says shes been to the doctor to have hormones checked. I did not see anything about her doing something specifically designed to counter a lowered libido. "The Wifey" - I don't see how you cannot see going 15 years without penetrative sex is not a problem and try to make and excuse for it. Going even more than one month without sex from your spouse is a problem.
"The Wifey" - I don't know a single soul who got married with intention on being celebate during any portion of their marriage. Also I don't know many who get married to expect a greatly reduced sex rate either.
I did not defend the wife nor did I say 15 years without penetrative sex is not a problem. If you read my first response to him you will see that I am in the Same FREAKIN boat, pal. It is a problem. A big, huge problem. But the more it becomes a hurdle the harder it is to get over it.
I never expected to be celebate at 41, 42, 43, going on 44. I started out by responding what MY Experience was. Then I asked questions because I didn't know all of the sitch. My bad for not taking an hour to read it all I suppose.
It isn't only a man that has a hard time without ML. If all I wanted was SEX that would have happened a long time ago. In the meantime I take care of my own needs. I have not gone all that time without an orgasm and I thank the good Lord above for blessing someone with the idea to create Double A Batteries!
The Wifey - but servicing your self is not the same in the mental or physical aspect at all. Its kinda good to hear you are in the same boat and can sympathize. I mean how can someone not get it through their skull that they are depriving their spouse each and every day, week by week, month by month, and for you guys years at a time. I mean is there a mental block or something in place. It truly is the sign of an intense amount of selfishness. I guess they believe we acknowledge that this is the way it is going to be because we have not left.
I have not had penetrative sex with my wife since the middle of January, before this it was 6 months I had it 4 times. For the 20 years before this I always had it at least twice a week, usually getting 4 to 5 times a week. It makes me crazy to not get it and it hurts physically and mentally, I'm sure others feel this too.
