Thanks very much for your perspective, The Wifey! You sound pretty OK to me!
Originally Posted By: The Wifey
I would have times when I had desire and then periods of time that it didn't cross my mind. And it was influenced by the interaction with my H. If we'd had a good day I'd be more likely to want to ML than if we'd had an argument 20 minutes before. Also, if he'd acted like I was part of the woodwork until 10 minutes before bed it just wasn't happening.
Perfectly understandable, and I wouldn't mind if my wife agreed with that at all. What I have a problem with is when we have an unhurried and wonderful candlelight dinner with wine in a fine restaurant, go home, and then she wants nothing to do with sex, and won't even take a raincheck. And even when she says the dinner was great and she has no complaints!!! Maybe you can see why I kind of have my doubts sometimes that any women are interested in sex at all! And wonder how the heck other couples manage to have sex all the time -- they must be doing something different, that's for sure!
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Its been 2 years in July since we ML, partly because he has ED and hasn't been to the Doc, and a lot because of our relationship.
That's ridiculous! Any man with ED should see the doctor right away, and not just to restore his sense of masculinity. It's recently been shown that ED can be an early indicator of vascular/heart/circulatory problems.
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My Doc put me on Welbutrin. As it turns out, that ramps up a woman's sex drive. No sex + high drive + living in the same house but not the same bed = frustration and time spent with BOB.
Not sure I'd recommend this, but some people might suggest switching to another anti-depressant which lowers sex drive! Usually people are switch to, not from, Wellbutrin because the reduced sex drive from other anti-depressants is hurting their relationship.
And just to be clear, your first paragraph sounds like a 16 year old boy that has watched too much porn.
Well, in some ways, that's true! I have about the same sexual experience as a 16-year-old when it comes to pleasuring a woman (my wife never let me). Never seen a woman have an orgasm. Have resorted to less interesting substitutes (like porn) just to hold things over. Have lots of fantasies about sex with women I know. And I've always had about the same sex drive and function as I had at 16. So, yes, you are right on target.
Yeah, and for all those women out there who have trouble with their husbands being into porn, here's a guy who's never had the problem of preferring porn to their wife. And, OF COURSE, I end up with the wife who wants no sex with her husband and tries to distract him by buying Playboy calendars. Somebody up there in the sky must be having a hearty laugh!
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There are moments in a couples' life when it will be that hot and steamy, and then other things will intrude and the taxes will have to be done, and the laundry, and the kids are crying, and she's tired, or you are, or any number of reasons.
I've been through all of those negatives -- every one of them -- and they didn't reduce my sex drive one tiny bit. That's often the difference between men and women. For example, I can think of nothing better than taking a sex break between doing the Federal and State taxes, especially if it's right on top of the desk and the tax forms -- and let the tax authorities wonder about the stains.
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Have you tried romancing your wife with absolutely no expectations of sex at all? Are you a couple in all other respects? Do you spend time together? Do you share interests? Do you have nearly separate lives, friendships, etc. There is so much that goes into desire. Has she been to the doctor? Does she consider it no problem?? Can you talk to her about this or does she shut you down?
Yes to all the positives, no to all the negatives except she does not consider it a major problem, and she doesn't want to talk about it in depth.
In the meantime I take care of my own needs. I have not gone all that time without an orgasm and I thank the good Lord above for blessing someone with the idea to create Double A Batteries!
Excellent! You are in the category of women who take charge of their own sexuality. I wish I could get my wife to that stage! You are in contrast to a lot of old-fashioned women who feel dependent on their man for sexual physical pleasure, and some of them wouldn't even think of pleasuring themsevles in any circumstances.
And seriously, please tell your husband you heard on a health show that ED is an early indicator of potential cardiac problems. If it scares him into seeing a doctor, it will be worth it.
4-5 times wouldn't be bad. On the day after, when you just wanted to cuddle, what if your H felt aroused from the cuddling and wanted an O? Would you ask "Again?" or say "That's too much!", or would you accomodate him enthusiastically, or something in between?
I have heard other people who had great long term sexual marriages that each partner RARELY turned the other person down, and each partner often initiated. To me, that just sounds like fantasy.
I'm familiar with many of the roadblocks to mutually satisfying sex. As a new mother, there were times I was too exhausted (and over-touched by needy kids) to contemplate anything in bed except trying to get (inadequate) sleep before someone called for me. There were times when I felt that the memories of my sexual abuse, which were flooding my mind whenever we had sex, meant that my H ought to put my needs as a victim over his as a sexual being.
There were times I was in the mood, and something he said or did would make me feel as though he was just acting out of lust, not love, and I'd be physically unable to continue. Most of all, when he wasn't meeting my need to feel loved, it created such a deep, unexpressed anger towards him. Then, when his mother died and he slipped into a depression and MLC, he became cold, critical and withdrawn, and acted as though any sex was just for physical release.
The thing is, almost nobody KNOWS how to be married--or how to have mutually satisfying, connected sex. These are things we can only learn as we mature and come to accept and understand ourselves. I don't regret the SSM years as wasted, because my H and I are now growing into the sexual beings we'd like to be--and I wouldn't trade this time for anything.
So the long answer to your question is, no, if my H felt aroused by the cuddling and wanted an O, we would, playfully, creatively, satisfyingly, get him there. We rarely turn each other down, barring migraines, etc. But it's taken a lot of hard work, introspection and change to get us to this point. A good sex life, like anything else worth having, does not come easy.
4-5 times wouldn't be bad. On the day after, when you just wanted to cuddle, what if your H felt aroused from the cuddling and wanted an O? Would you ask "Again?" or say "That's too much!", or would you accomodate him enthusiastically, or something in between?
I have heard other people who had great long term sexual marriages that each partner RARELY turned the other person down, and each partner often initiated. To me, that just sounds like fantasy.
I'm familiar with many of the roadblocks to mutually satisfying sex. As a new mother, there were times I was too exhausted (and over-touched by needy kids) to contemplate anything in bed except trying to get (inadequate) sleep before someone called for me. There were times when I felt that the memories of my sexual abuse, which were flooding my mind whenever we had sex, meant that my H ought to put my needs as a victim over his as a sexual being.
There were times I was in the mood, and something he said or did would make me feel as though he was just acting out of lust, not love, and I'd be physically unable to continue. Most of all, when he wasn't meeting my need to feel loved, it created such a deep, unexpressed anger towards him. Then, when his mother died and he slipped into a depression and MLC, he became cold, critical and withdrawn, and acted as though any sex was just for physical release.
The thing is, almost nobody KNOWS how to be married--or how to have mutually satisfying, connected sex. These are things we can only learn as we mature and come to accept and understand ourselves. I don't regret the SSM years as wasted, because my H and I are now growing into the sexual beings we'd like to be--and I wouldn't trade this time for anything.
So the long answer to your question is, no, if my H felt aroused by the cuddling and wanted an O, we would, playfully, creatively, satisfyingly, get him there. We rarely turn each other down, barring migraines, etc. But it's taken a lot of hard work, introspection and change to get us to this point. A good sex life, like anything else worth having, does not come easy.
"A good sex life, like anything else worth having, does not come easy." - sometimes you have it, its your job not to screw it up.
What I have a problem with is when we have an unhurried and wonderful candlelight dinner with wine in a fine restaurant, go home, and then she wants nothing to do with sex, and won't even take a raincheck. And even when she says the dinner was great and she has no complaints!!!
If your wife had no legs, you wouldn't be surprised that there was nothing you could do, no matter how hard you tried, to make her get up and walk. Perhpas you should think of sex the same way. Your wife simply has no sexual desire. Period. Romance doesn't change that.
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Maybe you can see why I kind of have my doubts sometimes that any women are interested in sex at all!
Not really. Just as very few people are leg-less, very few women have zero sexual desire. Why extrapolate to all women from a sample size of one (your wife)? Although I have no evidence to back this up, my strong suspicion is that, as with most things, sexual desire in men and women falls along a bell curve -- there are extremes at either end, but most people are somewhere in the middle. You and your wife appear to be at opposite extremes. That's terribly unfortunate for you, but it's not a basis for drawing conclusions about the rest of humanity. Perfectly understandable, and I wouldn't mind if my wife agreed with that at all. What I have a problem with is when we have an unhurried and wonderful candlelight dinner with wine in a fine restaurant, go home, and then she wants nothing to do with sex, and won't even take a raincheck. And even when she says the dinner was great and she has no complaints!!! Maybe you can see why I kind of have my doubts sometimes that any women are interested in sex at all!
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And wonder how the heck other couples manage to have sex all the time -- they must be doing something different, that's for sure!
Not necssarily. If both members of a couple have a sex drive, they don't have to "do" anything to "manage" to have sex. They simply have it because they enjoy it, regardless of whatever else is going on.
Your posts suggest that you still think after all these years that if you did something different, your wife would want to have sex with you. I doubt it. Your wife would not have turned down all your advances for 15 years straight if she got anything out of having sex. She appears to have zero sexual desire for it and to get zero out of it. No amount of "romancing" her is going to change that.
What I have a problem with is when we have an unhurried and wonderful candlelight dinner with wine in a fine restaurant, go home, and then she wants nothing to do with sex, and won't even take a raincheck. And even when she says the dinner was great and she has no complaints!!!
If your wife had no legs, you wouldn't be surprised that there was nothing you could do, no matter how hard you tried, to make her get up and walk. Perhpas you should think of sex the same way. Your wife simply has no sexual desire. Period. Romance doesn't change that.
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Maybe you can see why I kind of have my doubts sometimes that any women are interested in sex at all!
Not really. Just as very few people are leg-less, very few women have zero sexual desire. Why extrapolate to all women from a sample size of one (your wife)? Although I have no evidence to back this up, my strong suspicion is that, as with most things, sexual desire in men and women falls along a bell curve -- there are extremes at either end, but most people are somewhere in the middle. You and your wife appear to be at opposite extremes. That's terribly unfortunate for you, but it's not a basis for drawing conclusions about the rest of humanity.
And wonder how the heck other couples manage to have sex all the time -- they must be doing something different, that's for sure!
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Should the fact that the wife has not sexual desire mean that they should never have sexual intercourse?
Should the fact that the wife has no sexual desire mean that she should never have sexual intercourse?
I don't think anyone has a moral obligation to have sex with anyone else -- even one's spouse. Put another way, I don't think wives "owe it" to their husbands to have sex with them, or vice-vesa. But a wife who gets no sexual pleasure out of sex might still want to have it for other reasons, e.g., she might simply enjoy pleasing her husband; she might feel that it was her duty as a wife; or she might simpy like the physical closeness.
In a maritial or long term monogamous relationship, I believe most people would assume that some pleasures are going to come from their relationship partner, that if the relationship partner fully backed out of it its kinda like a closing of the deal.
A wife should enjoy pleasing her husband and vice-versa. Anything outside of this is dysfunctional unless it was agreed upon up front.
I'm not really sure what your point here is, DLS. Of course people who enter into marriage or other long-term monogamous relationships expect to have sex with each other their whole lives and to enjoy having it. What we are talking about here is what the couple should do if one of the partners loses all sexual dsire and ceases to enjoy having sex. That can happen for any of number of reasons. If it does happen, I don't think the desire-less partner has a moral obligation to have sex with his/her spouse. By the same token, however, I don't think the partner with desire has a moral obligation to stay in a sexless mariage or LTR. Each partner has to have integrity, to be true to themselves. If they are hopelesslessy mismatched sexually, that may well mean divorcing or breaking up.
